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Thursday, January 17, 2008
I had to blog this. It really touched me so deeply. I wish I had been taught to lovingly discipline my children. I'm sure my Mom does too. This is an eye-opener. I am going to make a check list and make sure I am not saying these things to my precious children!
Excerpt from Mama, We've Got Ourselves A Selfish Little Girl Here
You can also look at their ARCHIVES."But the worst thing about shame if you’re a Christian is that you tend to think that God has the same feelings about you that you have about yourself. This creates a huge problem. How in the world are you supposed to have a deep, intimate relationship with a God you think has written you off as worthless and unloveable?
As John Bradshaw says, "When I feel guilt, I feel that I have made a mistake, and when I feel shame, I feel that I am a mistake." How can you believe God loves you if you feel like you're a mistake?
Shame takes six common forms and does not have to be blatant like the Red Lobster incident. In fact, it can be more damaging when it's subtle because then it's not obvious what is happening, so our defenses are down.
The six common forms of shame are:
1. The put-down: "You naughty boy!", "You're acting like a spoiled child!", "You selfish brat!", "You cry-baby!" "You're mean!" "Rug rat"
2. Moralizing: "Good little boys don't act that way" "You've been a bad little girl" “God isn’t pleased when you act that way” “Angels are crying right now because of what you’ve done”
3. Age-based expectations: "Grow up!" "Stop acting like a baby!" "Big boys don't cry ” "You're 10 years old--you should be able to do this by now""
4. Gender-based expectations: "Toughen-up and take it like a man!" "Don't be a sissy!" “Stop being so emotional!” “Don’t be such a silly girl”
5. Competency-based expectations: "You're hopeless!" “You’ll never be good at anything” "You should be able to do this math by yourself " "You should know better than that" "Any idiot could have figured that out"
6. Comparisons: "Why can't you be more like so-and-so?" "None of the other children are acting like you are" "You're not as _____as your sister (brother) "
Shame not only makes us feel like we intrinsically have no value, but it also gives us a distorted perception of what love really is. Why? Because the people who shame us the most tend to be the people who tell us they love us. So we get mixed messages about love. On the one hand we are told we are loved, but on the other we are made to feel like we are not worthy of love."
God works in ways we cannot see, and if we will listen, He will show us what to do if our hearts are truly open to receiving it. I put on my Winter Reading Challenge: My Books 2008 that I am reading Preparing Sons by Steven Maxwell. I am also going to be sure to read Hints on Child Training by H. Clay Trumbull. I have read parts of it, but, in where the Lord is leading me in my study to train our sons... especially our oldest, Eric at 10, I am also going to teach our daughters about the differences when disciplining boys and girls as they become young men and young ladies.
The one thing that keeps going through my mind from reading Hints on Child Training is that sternness is not a good thing. The list above reminded me of that. It will be interesting to read if he relates sternness to shame.
In addition to that, I am reminded that Discipline is a form of the word Discipleship. Are you discipling your child when you discipline him or her? That is a huge question. We carry great responsibility to these precious children.
blessings!
Comments
Thursday, January 17, 2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by homesteadinthemaking
Wow, that is so convicting. Thank you for sharing.
Blessings,
Trixi
Monday, February 4, 2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by gabbie427
Thanks for sharing!
God's Blessings,
Amy Jo
Monday, February 11, 2008 - Shame
Posted by Elena
Hello, my name is Elena and I write from Italy. I'm not a believer, so I hope I will not offend anyone with this comment, but I find your blog most interesting. In particular I was impressed by the post about shame, because I find it's a major issue in raising children in my society, too, especially for girls and women. I hope all of us, Christians or not, will raise better our children, so that we can build a society based on love, respect and understanding. For this reason I highly respect your views and faith wish love to you all.
Saturday, February 16, 2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by OklahomaSweetPea06
Alrighty blogger friend thanks for the kick in the pants, this post has become a real eye opener for myself too....
BTW the other posts are just superb!! your girls did a great job here on the modesty posts.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008 - Untitled Comment
Posted by Anonymous
All I can say is WOW. I have a lot to work on. :P
Sisterlisa
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