Have you ever had one of those days/ months/years, where you just want to throw in the towel and say I quit? Well, I'm there.
First, I lost my job. I know I'm not unique. It was just on the news that over 500 state workers (who thought they had job security) are losing their job, and businesses are closing. It sucks for everyone. But it really sucks for me. I have NO money coming in. I can't count on child support, again, because Joe quit his job. So I don't even have that little bit of security. So how am I paying for gas to get the girls to school... funny you should ask.
I am now selling my plasma for gas money. I pray I"ll be able to continue doing this, because it pays $60 a week for 2 visits. That fills up my gas tank. Unfortunately my body is not responding to well to it. I had a severe reaction to the anti-coagulant. I don't know if my reaction was so severe because I needed to eat and drink more, and I'm hoping to not have the same reaction tomorrow. I still feel weak, and it's been 2 days.
I'm depressed. I'm lonely. I want to be loved. but the state of virginia has decided that I have to be seperated for 6 months before I can file for divorce. I've only KNOWN him for 6 months. 4.5 months to go before I can file. Counting down...
I'm leading worship at my dad's church now. I thought it would be easy sailing, but the piano player says she can't play it in the keys I've picked. I've got some stubborn personalities to work with, and it's not gonna be easy...
I'm still interning at 9-1-1. I absolutely love it there, and wish they could hire me right now. But they don't have any openings.
Kalena is a huge challenge. Let me know if you want more details...
Beth is getting back to her sweet self. JL hurt her emotionally and physically and it's taken a while to get my little girl back. I've been volunteering in her classroom this week, and I can see why she has a hard time. She sits with 3 girls that are huge distractions. So not fair...
I remember when I was in Missionettes we had to memorize that verse from Phillipians. The point of the verse was to train yourself to think about positive uplifting things. Right now I'm trying to focus on the positive things. It really makes a difference in your outlook.
A friend yesterday said, look at the five people you hang out with the most and that's who you are. What a challenge. Look at the people you hang around the most. Do you like what you see? Maybe it's time to change some things. I know that recently I've gotten rid of a few of those negative people... who am I going to replace them with? How do I want others to view me? Positive, good attitude, encouraging, trustworthy, uplifting...
You know, I'm not good at a lot of things, but I'm very good at procrastinating. In fact, I dare to say I'm an expert. So, it should be no suprise that I haven't updated my blog, or that once again I've had to delete everything.
So, while I'm good at procrasting, I'm horrible at discernment. I'm horrible with trusting. Why am I horrible with trusting? Because I trust too much. How many times have I whined (yes, whined... another thing I'm good at) about how I trust too easily and am continually burned because I continue to do so? Ahhh, we'll never know since I've deleted so many of my blogs.
Now time for a tangent. I'm really ticked that I've had to delete so many of my blogs. Years worth. I feel like I was forced to burn my diaries. I don't want to delete anymore. I may not like what I write, but I'm gonna be honest from now on, and I'm not going to delete them anymore. I've not been able to be honest because I feared the reprecussions. First red flad...
Speaking of red flags, are flags double sided? They don't LOOK red when we look at them from the front, but when we look back they are obviously red. My only conclusion is that we must be color blind. I look back and I see so many red flags...
So on to some details instead of ramblings... After only 4 months of marriage I am getting another divorce. Oh that hurts so much to say. I've been fighting since day 5 of our marriage to save it. Long story short, physical, mental, verbal, emotional, and sexual abuse. I feel broken. I feel stupid. I feel humiliated. I feel alone.
You know, there is no place in the church for people like me. I don't fit in with the marrieds anymore, and the singles won't take me back until the divorce is final.
Another tangent. I'm taking pictures again, and I'm writing again. That actually says a lot, because I haven't been able to for a while. other than the control issues, I've just been so drained, and just surviving, and I can't do either when I'm that drained. This entry is actually a very good sign that the healing is started. I know it's weird, but the healing started on Friday night when I was on the griffon ( a roller coaster at busch gardens). we were going straight up and all I could see where the heavens and I just felt his healing presence. the experience was a prayer. I know that there are tough times ahead. I know the hurt isn't over. But now I have hope...