Homestead Longings
Do Caterpillars Dream?
Of all the things I did on Sunday, the memory that sticks with me might at first seem to be the most trivial. I watched two yellow butterflies circling each other in a gentle floating dance that carried them up and across the open road as though lifted in a soft swirling breeze. I thought to myself that it had to be one of the simplest most beautiful things, then logged the sight away and continued my drive home.
The memory returned to me later as I was working on my bible study. I wondered to myself why I was so far behind. I have been steadily working through it, but just not at the rate of the actual class. I have not felt the need to rush. I have thought long over some insights and occasionally felt more than content to just sit and let whatever knowledge settle and seep into the cracks of my heart so to speak. Like grout, I guess.
My life is so quiet right now. I admit than when this season of stillness first began I was not at all comfortable with it. I had gotten so accustomed to the mad rush of all the wonderful things God was doing with me or teaching me over roughly the past 2 years that the stillness frightened me. It was like an overflow of spiritual food that seemed to overfeed me and then the spigot was turned off. I questioned more than a few times if something was wrong, or if I had somehow stopped listening to Him speaking to me. Yet, I would seek Him and feel his presence. There was just no other message there for me except the confirmation of his steadfast awareness of me.
Maybe I was just expecting some kind of grand gesture on the Lord’s part for me before my husband left. There is no grand and enthralling tale to tell. He is gone overseas now and we are here. I have been questioned to the point of interrogation as to the well being of myself and the kids. We are okay. Yet, surely we must be distraught and the kids must need therapy. Surely I am devastated. I am not. How to describe my present tense? Yes, sometimes I feel as though I am in a desert, but I do not feel attacked. The land is sparse and undesirable, but not combative for the time being at least. I am not looking at that landscape, though. I am just walking, looking forward, and waiting.
“I’m waiting…I’m waiting on you Lord, and I am hopeful…I’m waiting on you Lord, though it is painful…but patiently I will wait………….”
The butterflies dance so lazily and peacefully across my memory. I thought to myself, “That is a way to describe how I feel.” I feel like a caterpillar within its cocoon. Just waiting.
“…I will move ahead bold and confident…taking every step in obedience….While I’m waiting.. I will serve you, While I’m waiting.. I will worship, While I’m waiting….I will not fail……I’ll be running the race, even while I wait……”
Hmm….I wonder, do caterpillars dream? What state are they in while cocooned? Do they have any awareness of the state they are in, or even what is to become of them?
“I am waiting…I’m waiting on you Lord, and I am peaceful…..I’m waiting on you Lord, though it’s not easy…no…but faithfully, I will wait….”
I wonder, Lord. Do you sometimes cocoon your children the way you do some of your other creations? I can feel your love holding me. Is there a spiritual butterfly waiting for me at the end of this season?
One of the selfless gestures enacted by my husband before he deployed was to accompany me to a showing of the movie “Fireproof”. I must admit that if I knew there were so many sections that could be considered preachy, then I wouldn’t have asked him to go. It must have been very painful for him, hehe. Yet, he held my hand and sat with me without complaint. And then the song started, and the chills ran up through my bones and I almost cried there in that theater at what I could take home with me. An anthem for my season. “While I’m waiting” by John Waller.
Battle Buddies
When I went to basic training, the first thing we were told was to get or choose a "battle buddy" and then never ever go anywhere without them. As my husband's unit was getting ready to deploy, one of the commanders stopped in the middle of his speach and said, "Raise your hand if you do not yet have a battle buddy." The gymnasium remained quiet and no one raised their hand. "That is the right answer." He said.
A battle buddy is such a simple concept. Someone to sit "in the trenches" with you. Someone to watch your back and someone to talk to. Someone to be there to help you up if you fall. It isn't just a soldier thing. We spouses need battle buddies, as well. Someone to call in an emergency, or maybe to invite over for dinner on those lonely nights during a husband's deployment to talk to and let the kids play.
In my own personal situation, my very nearest family is over 12 hours drive away. My "adopted" family, or a group of friends from a previous assignment that make me feel like family, are still 3 hours away. Much easier for visiting on lonely days, but not very practical in the event of an emergency. So, I have my battle buddy.
The battle buddy I have now I am convinced was brought to me by God himself. I walked into a PWOC (protestant women of the chapel) group this summer and joined a random group for bible study. I sat down next to this lovely lady who I soon found out I had much in common with. Homeschooling, gardening, slightly traditional values. You name it. As the conversations and idle chatter continued, we discovered that our husbands were both deploying at the same time. Hmm, what units are they in? They are in the SAME unit! And they KNOW each other! What are the odds? We even find out that I just joined the homeschool group that she is a member of. The following weekend, I walk into a new church we are looking into joining, and there she is. Standing in the hallway as I walk through the doors. She looks at me with surprise and I smile and thank the Lord for a familiar face and what I consider to be a sign of His hand at work.
Ya know, the truth of it is, we probably won't have to rely on each other very much. Maybe just check in on each other every so often. It is just knowing that she is here. Knowing that there is someone else in my situation, going through probably exactly what I am going through at the same time. It takes some of the stress out of my days and makes it all a little easier.
I am finding that Christians tend to have a concept very similiar to this, though they use so many different names. My last church called them "Community Life Groups". I have heard it generically refered to as getting in touch with a church family. Whatever you call it, it is about being connected. Having somebody there. And it really is a blessing. Everybody should have one. Whether your trench be made of dirt or the everyday attacks of the spiritual enemy. As my drill sergeant would have said, "If you don't have one, GET ONE!"
Where is your battle buddy?
Who Am I?
Sometimes, it is my husband that helps me understand my God a little more. Tonight he was laying on the couch watching one of his favorite tv shows. I walked over and pulled the pillow out from under his head a little and laid down in front of him. I turned my head to smile and he smiled back, leaning over to kiss me on the forehead.
I sat thinking of how welcomed he always makes me feel. No matter what he is doing, I can always settle in next to him and earn a smile or gesture of affection. Always accepted, always loved. I am very slowly starting to see my God that way. Approachable. Accepting.
I am going through a very soul-wrenching bible study right now. Beth Moore’s “Believing God”. It wasn’t such a hard concept for the first few weeks. I have always believed that God is who He says He is, and that God can do what He says He can do. Then we came to week 4 of our study. “Believing You Are Who God Says You Are.” We were settled in to watch the video and fill out our viewers guide. There is a star on the top of the page that I guess you could say represents yourself, and the task is to fill in the descriptions in and around that star describing who God says you are. Well, literally at the very first word to be written on the entire page, I heard that nerve sound off its oh-so-familiar note as it was struck, and the tears started. Right in the center of that star I was to write the word “LOVED”. Around the outside followed the words blessed, chosen, adopted, accepted, redeemed, and forgiven. Wow, so many moments of hearing wounds pop open afresh as we labeled that star.
Loved…. Chosen-As in an object of desire. Adopted-Adopted children are never unwanted children. Accepted….
In the past few years I have seen my Lord tearing down the walls that have stood between myself and his presence, yet I keep finding myself standing there in the rubble. Not moving forward into his embrace. I wasn’t always sure what made me hesitate, what held me back. Like a puppy whose snout is guided to his own mishap on the carpet, God has forced my eyes down to the very rope that holds me.
I have heard the story of how elephants are held fast by a tiny rope many times. They are chained up as calves. They fight and pull until they finally give up all hope. Then all that is needed to hold them fast is a small length of rope attached to a stake that they could easily break as adults. But they have given in to the lie. In much the same way have I doubted my God. The enemy has told me for so long that I was unloved, unacceptable, and unworthy, that I have learned to doubt anything else. I bought the lie. Somewhere in my mind was a little child, afraid to approach my heavenly Father at what might be an inconvenient time for him. There are lingering fears of reprimand and anger. His time would be much more valuable doing something else than dealing with me.
As I looked into the loving and accepting eyes of my darling husband, I truly understood the enormity of that lie. If this mere man, as great as I think he is yet still an imperfect man, can find joy in my presence at any time, how much more would the one who created me take joy in my presence? Will He not smile and kiss my forehead as well?
Sick Dog Prayers
I will be utterly honest. I don't know if my heart can take much more of this. It feels like it is on the verge of rupture.
During the summer, my dog went missing. He was my baby. I knew he was mine the moment I laid eyes on him. I answered an ad in the paper, and the moment I stepped out of the car, he came running across the yard straight for me with a big silly grin and his little puppy ears waiving a floppy hello. The gentleman that owned him was already calling him the shortened version of the name that I wanted to use. He was like my first child. He brought blessings to this family for almost 8 years. He is gone now. But my heart still aches.
We finally decided to go look around again at dogs. We spent a weekend checking out the local shelters and pounds. And we found Jack. I can't say that I fell in love with him like I did Benny, but my heart wasn't really open to that yet. I really liked him though. The kids loved him, and my dh was about completely enamored with him. I could not imagine a better fit for our family. We brought him home.
This is dh with Jack. The day after we brought him home, I even noticed that the birthday the shelter had listed for him is the same as dh's birthday.
Well, Jack is sick. I don't honestly know what is wrong with him and apparently, about $400 later, neither does the vet. He is miserable. Hacking up stomach acid, grunge running out of his nose, not eating or drinking anything and wheezing. I am spending my time forcing antibiotics and liquids down his throat. I thought he was improving yesterday morning after the vet visit where they pumped him full of fluids and a few medicines, but this morning I can't discern any signs of progress. It is discouraging.
I am doing all I know to do, including prayer. I hate to seem so shallow, but I don't know if we can afford more vet visits. So, that brings us back to the heart about to rupture. I guess I will just keep praying and praying. I believe in the power of many voices, though, so I am definitely not above asking you all for some added prayer for us and our puppy.
Monday
We have such a busy week this week with various get togethers and such. The kids may not like it, but we might have to pass on storytime at the library this week so that we can use that time for cleaning and school work. Last week ended on such a sour note. DS has been having some anger issues about daddy leaving. He was acting out quite a bit. I don't get frustrated or mad at dh very often, but I sure was this weekend. I asked him to PLEASE talk to ds some about him leaving, especially the fact that he isn't going because he wants to. I try to tell ds that, but it just isn't as believable coming from me, I guess. DH didn't do it though. He watched tv and played on his computer most of the weekend. I am trying to remember that he is feeling stressed out also. I am the one who has to deal with ds's resentment all day though. Makes it rough.
Yesterday I finally broke down and made another batch of laundry soap. I really needed some more. I had been hoping to make it back out to a friend's house soon, but there is just too much going on right now. I could use a good get together that I don't have to dress up for. 
The kids got to help me make the laundry soap until they started fighting over something next to the stove. Then it was "Out of the kitchen".
Our last little tadpole has sprouted these tiny thread like little legs. We were all pretty excited. Today ds gets to write another little observation paper on him, or journal entry, whatever you want to call it. Frogs seems to have ballooned into the theme of our whole season of school. We are reading the Frog and Toad books for reading, we picked up lots of books about tadpoles from the library and bookstore. Counting books, non-fiction books, lift the flap type books for dd. It has been kind of fun.
Now that the weather is cooling I have been taking on some gardening projects. There are/were some beds of irises in the front that were overgrown and terrible looking that needed to all be uprooted and moved. So, when dh came home from work a few days ago, he drove into the driveway to find me sitting in front of the garage door with a huge sheet of cardboard covered with uprooted irises. I was pulling them apart and trimming them before putting the ones in good condition into paper bags and tossing the rest. I am hoping to get the the last bed later this week if I can find the time.
Right now, I have lots to do inside and NO motivation to do any of it. Not a good balance right there. I really need to get going though. Have a great day all.
Raised Beds
Someone asked how I made the raised bed for the strawberries. Please remember that I do not do complicated, and I tried to work the dirt here in TX last year and had no end to back pain from the hassle. So, I picked up a copy of Mel Bartholomew's (spelling?) "Square Foot Gardening". That is basically all the beds are.
I mowed the grass short. Bought 3 of the 8foot long 8 by 2's at Lowes. Had them cut one in half for me. Screwed them together with wood screws into a box. Threw down some landscape fabric on my area. Threw the box on top. Filled it with a couple bags of peat moss, various compost, and a few little bags of vermiculite. Stir with shovel, water down and plant.
It wasn't the cheapest way I could have gone, but it was definitely the quickest and least back breaking. Also, it is almost NO maintenance. I don't really have to worry about weeds or grass coming through that much because of the landscape fabric underneath. It has also been convenient since we live in the city and it is easy to basically put wherever you want. We can also put quite a few different things in the boxes. We grow the strawberries in one and veggies in another. We have a small family though, me hubby and 2 littles.
Here is a pic of the veggie box earlier this year. Right now it doesn't look like this because I just ripped about everything out and replanted new seeds for fall.
Had Enough
Okay, I have had enough. Yesterday I took my son's history book and all its associated mess and threw it all onto the donate pile. It is bad enough when the kids don't really like the work, it is entirely another when I can barely convince myself to go pick it up and teach out of it. I DO NOT like that book. I will not use it for one more day. Thankfully, we already have a much more exciting curriculum sitting right here in the house waiting for us. I have been wanting to use it for a while but had decided to wait until next year when I planned to be done with the book I just tossed. Well, we are done with it now, so onward we go. 
We also lost another tadpole yesterday. This one to much more natural causes. The cat got it. We walked in and his little guts were smeared all over my kitchen floor with a very nonchalant looking kitty. I could have kicked her. My poor son about burst into tears at the sight. Now we have one little lone tadpole who is being heavily guarded!
I used my burst of annoyed energy to purge a room yesterday afternoon though. The office/school room is looking great. Everything is cleaned out and functioning again.
I have a new picture of ds's strawberry patch. How many 6 year olds can say they have their own 8 by 4 foot strawberry patch? Here is the spring pic.
And here is the pick from a couple weeks ago.
By the way, YES, we are ALL really looking forward to strawberries next spring. We picked up a net to keep the birds out this year, I just have to build something to put it on. I also put lots of seeds in my own garden recently and am happily watching lots of sprouts come up. Fun, Fun.
Well, I have laundry to fold. Off I go.
OCD??
A conversation with my 6 yr old in the dentist's office.
"Mommy I want to organize my crayons."
"Umm...what?"
"I want to organize my crayons." He shows me his little metal pencil case. "On this side," he points to a row of crayons, "I want the bright colored crayons. On this side," he points to the other row, " I want the dark colored crayons."
"Why?"
"So they are organized."
"...........Umm....okay. If they aren't bright they are called dull, and don't you know that 6 year olds aren't supposed to organize their crayons?"
"But I want to." I look around and notice that 2 different mothers, and one father with his teenage daughter are sitting around us laughing.
Ping Pong
Ugh...I am sitting here slowly munching on a bowl of cereal. I do not normally like cereal in the morning. It leaves me unsatisfied and I get hungry way too soon in the afternoon. But today my stomach is upset. Could have been any number of things from nerves to the vitamins I took this morning. Not sure.
Yet, I have to agree with a friend of mine that Mondays are about the best days of the week. Then again, I guess that Monday wouldn't be the day it is if it weren't for the weekend that precedes it. I got up this morning rather slowly, but when I was finally moving I was very motivated to just get to work. The house and yard were quite a disaster. That is the good and yet bad thing about weekends. My husband is home and when he is around all I want to do is be with him, so I end up not doing much of anything around the house while he is home. Then come Monday it is actually a good thing that he heads off to work so that I actually get something done.
I know that I have said before that I feel like I am just waiting for something to happen, and I still am. I realized the other day that I was feeling more anxiety than usual and had to examine it a little further. There is just so much going on and there are a few details of my health that have been in question lately. Including a long standing problem I have had with my neck for ..oh, 8years now that has been causing me new grief. It all makes me think that something good must be on the way. Why? Because I feel like one of those little ducks in a shooting gallery. Or maybe that cartoon bear I once saw on tv that was bouncing around trying to dodge the bullets that were making ping pong machine sounds as they hit nearby trees. Either way, the distractions are coming hard and heavy at times. I am just trying to remember that they are just that. Distractions from whatever God might like to do in my life.
I know that there is a wonderful thing happening with a bible study I just joined. Believing God. How appropriate. Ya know, it is not easy to stand before God and peers and confess that you have deep seated trust issues with the Lord Almighty. But I am doing it, and He has been faithful to remind me of the many times that He has been there for me. You see, I learned somewhere as a little child that you can pray, but you shouldn't actually expect to get what you are praying for. God doesn't really heal people anymore, or get involved in a really personal way. It is his will after all, and it is a hit or miss thing for our desires and prayers to align with his will. Well, now I am working toward really believing him. Believing that He IS a personal, willing, and loving God. I just have to believe him.
Well, back to work. Have a wonderful day all.
Totally Unthought-out, Beautiful Day
I decided to write on my word processor first because I know this will take me a while to write.
We finally drove back into the driveway last night from our trip out to Colorado Springs. Such a lovely place, and a lovely trip to go along with it. If you would like to see some pictures, they are on our website under CMZ (Cheyenne mountain zoo) and GOG (Garden of the Gods).
We did have one fatality on our trip. 
Mommy killed one of our tadpoles. I put them in a glass canning jar. I put the lid on it to keep it from spilling as we loaded the van for the trip then forgot to remove the lid again. The big guy suffocated. It is amazing how traumatic the death of a tadpole can be to a woman. I thought we had lost 2 of them, for 2 of them were belly up and not even gasping, but by the grace of God (or maybe his sympathy for my very pathetic state) one of them miraculously flipped back over and started doing slow laps of their tiny jar. He may turn out to be a brain damaged frog, but being a frog maybe no one will notice.
This morning I woke up to a BEAUTIFUL morning. The temperature was in the 60’s and everybody slept in except me. Even dh since he had today off. I got up early and opened up all the windows. I watched the thermostat as the temperature dropped from 79 to 70 in a very short time. Normally, I hate the cold, but I have to admit that it was nice to have a change of pace. So, I sat at the computer catching up on some email with a nice hot cup of coffee in my hands.
After that, while everyone was still sleeping, I decided to go see how my garden was fairing. I was not impressed. Before we left my tomato plants were about devastated by at least one horn worm. I tried to spray him with some Seven spray and he just turned his head away from me. I tried something a little stronger and it at least annoyed him enough to get him moving. My tomato plants still looked miserable this morning. Call me what you will, but I had had enough. I have not gotten one single tomato off of those monstrosities yet this entire year. OUT THEY CAME!! All except for the cherry tomato plant which has produced wonderfully for me all year even having been ravaged by the worm(s).
While I was ripping and tearing I decided that I aught to go ahead and do some preparing for fall with the weather and all. Out came the trellises and last of the cantaloupe vines. I am not sure if I was sad to see them go or not. We were about sick of eating cantaloupe. About the same time I grabbed the rake and shovel to start remixing the dirt in the bed, the kids started wandering out to see what mom was up to. They ended up helping me pull out stray weeds and roots.
Then the devastation of my garden became today’s home-school adventure. We found the cocoon of a horn worm buried in the soil where the tomato plants had been ripped out. So, off to the computer to look up some information about the worm. Even after learning that it was not a butterfly but a moth, my ds was adamant that we place him back into the dirt. This was after I convinced him that it was NOT going into the house. So, into a different garden bed he went. Back to gardening, where the kids helped me clear a good area then put in 2 rows each of carrots, spinach, broccoli, and just a few cauliflower. We also started some lettuce in peat pellets. For the life of me, I can’t get them to sprout outside.
Today was not a day for cleaning. Today was a computer and list day. I spent the early afternoon on the computer putting pictures on the web, paying bills and balancing the budget, and going through our pantry making a grocery list for the afternoon. I didn’t want to clean really. Tomorrow “normal” life will resume. Tomorrow is soon enough.
My Olympic Best
I don't really like or even understand sports. I have just never been good at them. I like watching them even less. When my husband turned on the Olympics, at first my mind started thinking up other things I could be doing, but in the end I stayed. It is something I actively push myself to do. Sit with my husband and watch something I don't really enjoy because doing so makes him feel loved. Husband and wife, side by side in front of the tv.
Before long, I was actually interested. Not so much about what they were actually doing or who won, but the people. The stories behind their faces. The girls taken away in other countries at the age of 3 to train for gymnastics. The look of utter anguish on the face of the american gymnast who fell off the beem. The looks on the faces of those who won, and in some cases, won big.
One night after the kids were tucked into bed I crawled under the covers of our bed next to my husband and we just lay quietly together watching. That is when God gave my thoughts a suddle nudge. I watched the faces of those "other" seemingly nameless athletes. They were there, giving their all, though no one seemed to really notice them because all the spotlight was on certain individuals. The majority of them had to know that they were going to lose, but they were still there. That is when the whisper came. Have they really lost, or are they winners because they even qualified?
Very good point, Lord. Imagine just being able to qualify to be in the Olympics. Wow. Whether someone else is even better than you or not, to even make it that far means that you are among the best of the best IN THE WORLD!
There are so many things that I enjoy or would like to do but have avoided for no better reason than that I know others are so much better than me at it. In my mind, that means that I am not good enough. But why? Can't I be good without being the best? Though MY best may not measure the same as someone else's, is it still worth doing? Oh course it is.
There was a very real and timely message in God's question for me. He was touching directly on a spot in my heart that had been hardening. I enjoy writing. I have felt blessed to be able to come on here and share with everyone, but I believe that the enemy tried to silence me with doubt. There are so many that are so much better writers than I. I had started to question whether this could really be what God wants me to do. He pointed out to me with that one whisper that I was letting doubt and perfectionism harden my heart. I don't have to be the best, just give my best. In all things that I do for him. Writing, homeschooling, mothering.....
I am blessed that God has even called me (qualified me) to be in the games with him.
Salty Duties
"You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again?" (Matthew 5:13)
When she said it, I laughed. My brain almost instantly filed the comment away as one of the more ridiculous things I had ever heard. Why on earth would anyone want to sit with me (that sit at your feet thing) and pick MY brain? Especially a pastor's wife. Then I realized that she was serious! Then of course, being slightly startled, I blurted out "WHY?"
I don't tend to think of myself as having any trait or doing any activity that could be considered miraculous or extraordinary in any way. I am just me. A relatively new christian, a wife and mother, and a constantly struggling sinner with the randomly occuring immaturity issues. I guess there are a few things that I do now that put me outside the realm of mainstream society, but I didn't think I had moved that far away from the flow. I love God and am eager to learn more about him, and his will for my life. I am happy to be a keeper at home and a homeschooling mom. I never really thought that this was a big deal before, but I make a point to be in submission to my husband and always try to be a blessing to him. Guess that isn't so normal anymore though. I enjoy growing some of our own produce in the garden. I buy our beef in bulk straight from a friend who raises them. (which saves us a lot of money!) I try to be frugal with what we have. Sometimes I even hang laundry out on a line. =)
These are such normal things to me, so when this lovely lady mentioned some of them as the reason for her comment, I still didn't entirely understand. I have thought a bit more about this, and I came to realize something. It isn't so much about ME. I wonder if it is even about those things, or if it is more about what our culture has become. Who grows their own food? Who sews their own clothes or even can repair them? In comparison, how many really take on the responsibility to educate and raise their own children at home? How many really say, I will have as many children as God blesses me with? How many really realize that a dryer and tv are not necessities but luxuries?
I guess I have changed a lot in the past few years. I ran into a girl a few weeks ago that I went to high school with. Several times I have come across "old friends" or an acquaintance. We catch up briefly and 9 times out of 10 I find out that life is not good for them. They are barely making it and their lives still pretty much revolve around the same old theme. "Having a good time!" I wonder to myself: How did we get here? We came from the same place, we grew up together, and we ended up so drastically different. I can see the moral decay. Some just kept partying their lives away. Yet, I wasn't so different then, but I sure am now. In fact, the girl I recently ran into was visibly uncomfortable talking to me after short bit. I know why I am where I am. The sheer grace of God!
Yes, I have changed completely. But I keep asking myself, Is it enough?
It made me think of Matt. 5:13. I have actually heard people speaking about this verse several times in the past few months. Salt is a preservative, not just a spice. So, we are the preservative of our world and culture. Am I doing that?
I copied this verse out of my bible just this morning, as I do with those verses that really catch my attention for one reason or another. "So likewise ye, when ye shall have done all those things which are commanded you, say, We are unprofitable servants: we have done that which was our duty to do." Luke 17:10 (KJV). Individual responsibility has been a big topic in my house for a while now. When I read this verse, 2 questions come to my mind. Have I done what I have been commanded? I know my duties as a mother and teacher, and even as a wife, but Exactly WHAT are my duties as a christian?
This is another verse I copied out today. "It was he who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, to prepare God's people for works of service so that the body of Christ may be built up" Ephesians 4:11-12 What are my duties? Works of service for one thing.
I have definitely had some wonderful teachers, mentors, pastors, etc impact my life to the glory of God. I am where I have gotten to day in most part because of them. But, I see that it is not their job to sustain me indefinitely. Their job was to prepare me. To prepare me to go do my duties, which include works of service and being the salt of the earth. Have I done anything to make a difference on this culture? What am I doing to preserve God's standards? I don't know. I am really going to have to sit on this one for a while.
At The Starting Gate
I was thinking that I would like to write something. It has been a little bit now, but to be honest, I don't have anything but bits and pieces to share. I've had quite a few things going on in my life lately but I'm not even really sure what they are yet. I feel like a horse at the starting gate. I know it's coming. I can feel it and sense it, but God just hasn't opened the gate yet.
I have spent time lately just slowing down and listening a little more. Listening to God that is. Or at least trying to. There have been lots of small little themes going on that in the end seem to all be tied in together. The first seemed to deal mostly with slowing down and dropping the dead weight of busyness and excess. All those extra activities and things that I thought were important, but once they were gone have left me feeling so much freer and revitalized and leaving my spirit ready for a fresh, new....something...in my life. Purpose, maybe.
There are so many things changing right now. My perspective mostly, on a lot of things has changed. My marriage has just grown so colorful, vivid, and intimate that I know only God could have moved in such an awesome way to draw us this close before my husband has to deploy. The peace and security that we are BOTH feeling in our relationship is something I know will help carry us through.
There has been this shifting of purpose in our homeschool and what our goals and focuses are this year. I really started out with this urge to just find things to basically keep us busy while dh is gone. Then God just put it on my heart to stop seeking that busyness, that he had plans for us already and that those things are just not part of it. I haven't even been looking at my children the same. Not long ago something happened between my two children and I had to sit down with ds 6yr old again. I would like to say that what I told him was all my idea, but it couldn't have been. It was all NEWS TO ME the moment it left my mouth. God chose HIM to be the oldest child. He chose HIM to be the big brother and to be in this family. God chose HIM to be the protector of baby sis, and to love her and be the one she looks up to. It isn't just my son. It has really been on my heart lately for ALL OF US to think more about what our individual responsibilities are. To ourselves, to God, and to each other both within our own family and outside of it.
Yesterday, I sat down and felt the need to make myself a list. I keep thinking about the book "Do Hard Things" that the younger members of church were studying recently. Oh, how I wish I could have been there for the final discussion. I have been thinking over the past several years in my quiet times with God, and how I moved from where I was to where I am now. How did I get here? There is one thing that I did that was by far the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. My one great fear in life. Opening up and being vulnerable to other people, risking the possibilities of criticism and rejection from people I'd come to love. I didn't do it merely because God wanted me to. I wish that was all it had taken. I was encouraged and prodded along by a few of those friends.
Remembering this got me to thinking. What else might God be wanting me to do that I haven't? I sat down with a piece of notebook paper and a pencil and prayed. "Lord, what is it that you are calling me to do that I have been avoiding? What have I not done because of fear or because it isn't in my comfort zone? What do you need me to just step out in faith and start working on?"
Immediately a few things came to mind. Things that I had felt inspired to do at some point. Some of them revolved around things I started or wanted to do in the past and they fell away forgotten because of my own inconsistency. Some of them deal with a different side of my fear of rejection. And some of them deal with simple heart issues and priorities. I have a list now of about 7 things.
I remember laying in bed a few weeks back just feeling like I was missing something. That knawning feeling that something just isn't right, but what is it? I was talking to my husband about my feeling and he was laying there ever so patiently with a sad look on his face that easily translated to "Honey, I have no idea what to tell you." Finally, I sighed and told him, " I just don't know what God wants from me right now." I hope my little list is my answer.
The Status of My Spirit
For the first few days of using our new chore chart everything went exceedingly well. Then the initial excitement came to a screeching hault. The last few days have been very touch and go. In fact, my ds almost missed out completely on attending church with us on Sunday (which is one of the BIG highlights of his week) because he chose to sit in his doorway playing instead of cleaning up the room. When he saw mommy and baby sister dressed and ready to go without him, he suddenly had a burst of motivation. What he had put off for almost 24 hours was suddenly done and done properly within 10 minutes. I believe he might have only had one shoe on as he was climbing into the van with the other in hand. I have a feeling the chore chart is only going to serve as a visual for what he already knows, and to specify exactly when those chores are intended to be done.
Yesterday was one of those absolutely beautiful and blessed days. God really came through for me. I prayed early in the morning that he would show me a great example of what our day should be like. What I would look like with a meek and quiet spirit, with an attitude of peace. To just breathe and not give in to busyness. To experience a joy in my work and my calling to be home and with my children.
You know, I can't really say that I felt like I was getting anything done as I went through my day yesterday. I just kind of did what the moment allowed. I managed to get in some bible reading and prayer time while the kids were eating breakfast. I brought the laundry out to hang on the line while I pushed the kids on the swings. They were practicing making up songs. Something that ds saw on a cartoon. "Singin' while your swingin' helps you keep your rythym". I got to spend quite a bit of the morning just listening to them sing to me. DS decided to share with mommy that thinking up quick rhymes for songs was not very easy.
Then they were off to the jungle gym and trampline. Yes, our backyard is quite the playground! So, I had the chance to mow both the front yard and half the backyard while they played. Just before we came in, we grabbed some of the baby plants that we started in the house and transferred them out into the vegetable garden. After that we moved on into the house where mommy decided that we probably should do at least something for school work today. I handed both 6yr old and 2 yr old scissors and glue. 2yr old got construction paper and 6 yr old got a few worksheets in which he had to cut out the words and glue them all into the appropriate columns for either long vowel sounds or short. When he was done he got to join little sister in gluing tiny pieces of cut up construction paper to larger sheets while I vacuumed the house and did a few inside chores. I have lots of very lovely collage artwork now.
After much oohing and aahing, I let them watch a few cartoons while I checked email and went off on a tangent in my bible and online after something sparked by a friends blog. It was a tangent I thoroughly enjoyed. I love when I feel like God shows me another lovely picture of his design. I also felt very blessed to have the uninterrupted time to go off on that tangent. It is rare. Actually now that I remember it, it really wasn't completely uninterrupted. I just responded differently to the interruptions and then the kids quickly went off on their ways again.
After an uneventful lunch, I found myself and the kids just kind of sitting around watching cartoons and snuggling on the couch. So, I just kind of thought, Lord, what would be a great thing for us to be doing right now? DD had a pile of books next to her that she had been absent-mindedly flipping through, so I reached over and asked "would you guys like me to read these to you?" Oh the excitement. So, off went the tv as mom sat between the munchkins reading lots of silly stories until naptime.
The rest of the afternoon was spent with a quiet over the house. DS mostly occupied himself with more art projects while dd napped. I finished up some more chores, brought in the laundry and folded it then had some time to settle down and read a little out of my book and check the computer again before dd woke and dinner time came around.
I know there doesn't seem to be anything specifically God-ordained or anything in that day. It was more the feeling I had at the end of the day. I kept wondering how I managed to feel so rested and content and yet still thinking, did I really get that much done around here? I guess I did. I wasn't rushing or anxious, and yet it got done. I was relaxed and present with my children. I spent the day just focused on being content in whatever work God called me to, and just doing whatever the moment either called for or allowed.
I did not start this morning off with such a lovely attitude. I was already frustrated when I woke up. My dd had crawled into bed with me whining for juice. When I answered no, get water until breakfast, she proceeded to whail in my ear. Then, in the center of my bible reading time the fighting began at the breakfast table and the interruptions started coming frequently. Oh, the little robbers of my spirit had come. Lord, I wondered, what happened between yesterday and today? That is when I remembered my early morning prayer yesterday morning.
Quickly, I changed my grumbling thoughts to a prayer of praise and thanksgiving. Thank You so much Lord for showing me for a day a wonderful example of what my spirit should look like. I will be content, and take joy in my calling. I will look to the ways of my household and be with the amazing little blessings that you put into my care throughout this day, and I will seek joy in my heart throughout. Praise you Lord, and help me to carry this spirit throughout my days.
Jesus In Our Midst
"Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven. For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them." (Matthew 18:19-20)
I had an idea the other day. I have been periodically thinking about what things my dh and I could do while he is deployed to help us stay united despite our distance. An idea came to me. We could agree to pray at the same time each day. For instance, if he is getting up in the morning, I will probably be going to bed or something like that, but it will be praying together in our minds maybe.
I came across Matt. 18:19-20 again last night in my bible. It reminded me of a wonderful yahoo group that I am a member of. It is so wonderful to watch (or read rather) these ladies stand in prayer together for each other even when they can't be together. Things happen when they are all praying. Sometimes I have felt like my own individual prayers just weren't powerful enough, so I have asked several times for their prayers. Then this verse truly came to light for me. "there am I in the midst of them." The presence of Jesus was there and moving mountains when we all stood in agreement for something. I personally have even experienced bodily healing from their loving prayers.
This all got me to thinking more about praying with my husband and the power that there is in a marriage union. "That if two of you shall agree on earth...." I have a partner, friend, ally, and companion here to strengthen me. We can pray for each other, but if we will pray together "there am I in the midst of them." The very thought of Jesus being in our "midst" even on seperate sides of the globe is more than just comforting to me. It is an exhilirating thought.
There is only one obstacle to this wonderful plan of God. DH is not really much of a praying man. His first reaction to this idea will undoubtedly not be one of welcome and openness. So, I guess I should go ask those wonderful ladies I know for some prayer on this also.
Compromises and Breakthroughs....
Praise the Lord for the rain!!!
I am usually not the biggest rain lover, but I am beginning to see the blessings of it. Yesterday as the rain moved through TX, I soaked up the event like I was the ground myself. We have a "quiet time" every afternoon in my house. I usually take a seat and read or work on some project while the kids are napping. Yesterday I decided to lay on my bed and just watch the rain through my bedroom window until it lulled me into a snooze of my own.
It was actually during this time that an idea came to me. My ds and I have been arguing about his chores the past few days. Specifically, cleaning up his mess in his room. Okay, maybe arguing isn't an appropriate term. Basically I said stay in there until it is done. No TV, no playing or going anywhere. All privileges cancelled. No TV is like a torture for this kid, but yet, it just has not been enough to truly motivate him. I was laying on my bed thinking about how much my son is so like me sometimes. As a child I was impossible to motivate because rewards and punishments didn't phase me much. That is when I realized what the problem really was. If there were ever any rewards for me as a child, which there rarely was, they just were not worth it to me. They just weren't things that <> wanted.
I kind of cringed at the thought of what might truly motivate my ds, but I accepted it. So, I brought out the chore chart that I have for him and hung it up. I sat down and discussed with him that every chore he completed without mommy having to fight with him about would earn him one little plastic token. If he is disobedient or misbehaves in a way that fits the criteria, I have the right to reclaim tokens. When he earns so many tokens, he can choose prizes or special events from a list. And if he manages to actually accumulate enough tokens, we will take that all coveted trip to McDonald's for lunch. I wish you could have seen his face when I mentioned McDonald's. It was priceless. McDonald's is my compromise. I hate McDonald's. We go once every few months or so.
This morning has been a glorious morning so far. We had a bit of a breakthrough. DS had his bed made before he ever walked out of his room. Chores were done before he did anything else. I really hope that this lasts a while.
Defragmenting
Thoughts tend to occur to me at what seems the oddest moments, and then off they go, on a rabbit trail that brings me to some understanding of life or God.
I was sitting in front of this very computer screen the other day watching my computer defragment itself. I was told years ago to do this frequently as part of general maintenance to keep my computer running smoothly. First run a disc cleanup to clean out all the garbage laying around, and then defragment the entire drive so that everything is compressed, in its place, and runs a lot more efficiently. This also forms nice clean areas that are primed and ready for new information. The thought occurred to me then. Is this a visual equivalent of what God does in our lives? If a computer could feel, would it feel during a "defrag" what I have felt like over these past few months?
I admit that I have struggled quite a bit from time to time. I have also experienced moments of renewal throughout this when I chose to seek the good and the blessings amongst it all. I have also felt a great pulling in the past few days to just stop and be still. To just listen and seek the movement and rythym of God in my life and lives of my family. During these times of quiet and rest, simplicity has been on my mind.
What is simplicity? I have never pondered it before. It is a brand of sewing patterns, hehe. No really. I looked up simple in a cheap desk top thesaurus that is sitting here on my desk. One of the synonyms is "undivided". Divided. Is that like double-minded? There is a verse about that somewhere. What can I do with undivided? I can give undivided attention. To family. To God. Hmmm.....it would be hard to be undivided about anything while I am dealing with busyness wouldn't it, Lord? Back to the busyness and simplifying. Maybe cleaning up and defragmenting is a lot like just simplifying.
I find that I still maintain some bad habits in my life that God is piece by piece working on rooting out. Practice makes perfect after all, and I have been practicing some of these things all my life. Too bad that I was practicing the wrong things. So, as I ponder, I can see how God has once again been cleaning up and refining my life. This time through some simplifying. I am sure that it will prepare me for something lovely.
The Value of Not doing anything.
I am finding that over the last few days, I am having a change of heart about my life and what exactly my role is in this life. Yes, in my mind, my very role and existence was in question. What is the value of me?
Summer always seems to get to me. There is really nothing to do in my mind. No meetings to rush off to, no homeschool family get-togethers, and we don't travel much during the summer. Our vacations tend to fall during the conventional school year. (One of the many reasons that we homeschool) The garden really doesn't do much of anything in this heat. It is one of those times when I start to wonder if I do enough. My calendar isn't packed and I don't have a bunch of projects to work on, and it makes me wonder. Am I a valuable and productive person if I am not doing and accomplishing things? Shouldn't I be as busy as the rest of the world? If I am not, am I not doing my share, pulling my own weight?
I think that it has to do with me being a stay-at-home mother. I don't have a conventional "job". I know that sometimes that makes some people look at me and automatically assume that I am either lazier or less competent than others. I know this to be true, because that is the way I used to think about moms that didn't work. Somewhere in my mind, I have convinced myself that because I do not leave my home everyday from 9 to 5 and draw an actual paycheck of my own, that I am not measuring up. So, to compensate I have tried to fill my schedule. To do lots of things that make me feel like I am still "working" in a sense. Go to this and that group, volunteer for this and that. Find things to do, do, do to confirm my value, value, value. Finally I had to ask myself, why? why? why????
It was like listening to a mother trying to contain a small child when they have gone off on a completely frustrating ramble to the point that they hear nothing else. STOP!! I heard God repeat it a few times. Just STOP!!
Stop? But where was the value in that? How could I be valuable if I was doing nothing? Yet....it did sound oh so appealing.
I have found over the past few days of being in a parked mode that even doing "nothing", I am doing something. These have been blissful days of pushing my kids on the swings, baking lots of messy things with them, reading the Bible more, taking walks, sitting down and watching a show that my kids or my husband is interested in just to sit next to them. Ironically, I have actually watched the joy my kids are experiencing and I feel like I have watched my "value" rise.
I have come to realize something. I actually do a lot. I am a mother, wife, teacher, and keeper of my home. Those may not be things that everyone holds of great value, but God does. And apparently so do my children and husband. I know God loves me and would not call me to a place that I would not be valuable to him at. So, though it may feel in my more modernly raised brain that I am doing "nothing", I have a different value. Like currency from another country, with an exchange rate unknown until you get to the gate and hand it in. We may find that what we are holding and think is not much of anything is the most valued of all in that foreign land.
A Vow
There are times that I can't help but wonder if God is still with me. Are you here? For one reason or another, I just have a hard time hearing him, or he may just not be speaking at the moment. I believe that 9 times out of 10, I am just not hearing. This time I believe that the busyness drowned out his voice. It hasn't been physical busyness so much as a mental preoccupation with other things. All orbit around one central theme. DH's deployment.
Prepare the house. Prepare the kids. Prepare to homeschool for a year without help. Prepare distractions. Prepare the finances. Prepare, prepare, prepare.... Prepare my heart. There is something I haven't done.
Today the status of our hearts was made very clear to me. I thought at first that it was just sibling issues. The kids not getting along. This mornings fight began when ds(6) and dd(2) were trying to play with bubble wrap. DS was trying to lay the sheets out across the kitchen floor to walk on, and they had to be just so. DD was not interested in placing them just right. She just wanted to pop the bubbles. That is about the time the screaming and venom came flying from DS's mouth at little sis. It has been building for several weeks now. He was sent to his room so we could have a talk.
As the conversation got rolling, it really developed a life of it's own. The words that began to flow from my mouth clearly came from another place. I am usually not comfortable at all speaking to my children about God's desires for us. I feel so inadequate and lacking in knowledge, thinking "But I am so new to this, surely I will mess it all up and turn my kids from God." Yet, as I talked about loving each other and how we show that love, the words began to effortlessly flow toward Jesus and his love for us. We talked about how he showed that love, and how he asks us to show such love to others.
Even more amazing to me, the next topic was our hearts. I explained that if we hold anger and hatred for others in our hearts, then it pushes God out of our hearts, and that that is exactly what Satan wants. He wants us seperated from God.
Oh, how I needed to hear those very words as well. I realized that I am not blameless. I have not been showing my love through my words and actions. I have been trying to teach my children to understand body language. How confused they must be.
We ended by praying together. Something I am ashamed to admit almost never happens. My son and I each made a vow to each other that we are going to focus on remembering the love that Jesus wants us to reflect to each other. I also made a silent vow to myself. These moments should not be rare ones. I am going to purposefully make time to focus on teaching my kids more about the Lord, and spending time in prayer beside them. Now that I listen I can hear God whispering to me about disciples. Disciples that must learn by following the example of the one that leads them. With Jesus as my leader, I must lead those who follow me to Him.
Thank you, Lord, for showing me in such a small yet enormous way that you are still with us.
So Much for the Rain
I was really hoping that we would get some. Instead, we got about enough to make the roads a little slippery. =(
It has been so dry that the grass is dying and my garden is suffering. Yet, I was still pleasantly blessed with a surprise harvest of cherry tomatoes and cantaloupe just yesterday. The kids and I have had a grand time gorging on fresh cantaloupe the past 2 days.
We had such a wonderful weekend, but I must admit that it left me rather emotional. DH had Friday off of work, so early that morning we loaded up the van and took a nice drive down to SeaWorld for a little family fun. That was great. Kids had a blast and dh and I both absolutely love SeaWorld. It sure helps that they were doing the free tickets for active duty military again. THANKS SEAWORLD!! We probably wouldn't go otherwise. =)
We actually have some friends that live in the area, so we met up and had some breakfast one morning at Cracker Barrell. That was when I got emotional. As we were standing there waiting to be seated, two gentleman walked up to check in. They were both wearing t-shirts that said they were "Iraqi Freedom Veteran"s. One gentleman was missing his arm below the elbow and wore a new hook set-up, the other was missing a leg below the knee at least. He had on one of those new prostetic things that looks a lot like a metal pole with a shoe on the end. God bless them and what they have been through, but they almost brought me to tears seeing them standing there between me and my husband.
I feel like God keeps showing me different verses in the Bible to help encourage me the closer we get to dh leaving, yet there are still those moments that make me wonder if I have really dealt with the full reality of what next year will be like. Here is a verse I just came across the other day. Psalm 34:7 "The angel of the Lord encamps around them that fear him, and delivers them."
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