well the adventures with my new friend are quite over now. i talked to him for a while on saturday - he'd gone out of town on friday and decided to stay and go out with friends - he ended up going with some guy friends from college and stayed out watching a band until 2am, stayed at his friend's house overnight - apparently some time taht night "ran into" an old g/f -- she called sunday am and said she wanted to work on things - he said ok and ran back to the city (2.5 hours away) -- he wasnt at church sunday and i was concerned so i texted him - no answer - called, got vmail, left message- ate lunch and took a nap -he texted back later in afternoon that everything was ok, he'd just made a road trip to see a "friend" - i didnt respond -- he called a few minutes ago to tell me he'd run into his x-g/f and when she called sunday and said she wanted to try again he said ok and went - i'm happy he's trying to work things out - we werent even dating, just going out as friends, but as a single mom you know those thoughts always pop up -- anyhoo -- after i hung up and screwed my head on straight, i texted him and said i just wondered if his getting back together with g/f meant we could not be friends and hang out anymore, i said i'd respect the decision the 2 of them made, but i wanted to know - it's only been a few minutes and havent gotten a reply so i'm sure he'll need to ask permission from g/f before being friends with me anymore - sad as it it, that's the way life goes sometimes - i'd be lying if i said i wasnt disappointed, but life does go on and God's in control of everything

on a positive-r note, i have 5 tomatoes on my tomato plant, 1 is the size of a pea - the other 4 are about marble sized - how exciting

God's been doing a real work in me lately. It seems every time i hear someone preach or watch something on tv, God's got a word for me. I've always been pretty much a fear-based person and lots of what i've heard lately is about fear and how to get it under control. a few years ago, i got a lot of it under control, but that was mostly physical fear, fear for my safety, fear of the dark, things like that. in my testimony the other day, things were so wonderful. today i'm very fearful. BUT, i've been working on my thoughts and i have philippians 4:8 plastered everywhere i go (finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy - meditate on these things" - i also heard (joyce meyer on tv) say that whatever satan tries to steal or you think is gone, sow it as a seed to God then let Him deal with your harvest and getting it back (that's obviously my paraphrase joyce was much more eloquent) -- anyhoo, things have been going wrong all week, nothing major, just lots and lots and lots of little things that are trying to send me into panic mode - i almost got there yesterday when i stopped and realized what i was doing - these panic thoughts are not true, noble, just, pure, lovely, of good report, virtuous or praiseworthy - ENOUGH - i'm done

some of the areas that i panic in are my son being away from me (as i said before i have 3 other boys who were taken (stolen) away a few years ago and even my son being away at school has been hard for me this year) - my finances - the fact i'm afraid i'm going to be alone forever (alone, loneliness) - i guess those are my biggies --

so i fought thru my son going to another state to see my mom for a few days (a few weeks ago) - it was great for him, i was a basket case until just before he got home and then i was ready for him to be gone and he was back home ------

loneliness--i have this new friend in my life, i've been panicking - i just think we're friends but you know it creeps in the back of your mind "what if he's the one God intended - oh dear what if i say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing or act interested or act uninterested" ok so you see my mind runs off on every what if there is imaginable, but this one isnt killing me, i'm getting a grip on it even now - if God wants me to be alone forever, then so be it - my son and i do fine on our own - i find it hard to believe that this would be God's will, but i'm handing it back over to Him

and finally - this is the one that's trying to panic me now - finances - being a single mom is hard, money is usually tight - i'm not good at tithing and therefore i realize i miss out on many of GOd's blessings because of it -- yesterday was payday, earlier this week a couple of checks bounced - ouch on those fees - today i look at it and yesterday when i didnt look at it my account is over $200 overdrawn - OMG what happened - i had 5 checks bounce (mostly tiny amounts too) over the period of 2 days - what on earth am i going to do - panic sets in - wait--- no, this is notthe time to panic - God is moving in mighty way - He's in control - yes, i've screwed up royally and yes i have consequences to my bad banking skills and lack or organization, but God is bigger than this - i have enough money to pay my rent and give back the rest of the money a friend loaned me last payday to keep me from going under then, and put gas in my car until next payday but after that, i'm screwed - ok maybe that's not the best choice of words here - anyway, now that this is out, i feel better

i've fought panic all week - nobody in the office but me, things coming up, i'm having to make decisions on my own (fortunately they've all been good ones) -- the quiet and loneliness of being the only one in the office is almost deafening sometimes - it's not enough that i'm completely alone at home, now i am completely alone at work (pastor's on vacation 2 weeks and the only other staff person here full time his grandma is in hospital out of town, very bad situation, please pray for the carter family) -- anyhoo, i feel i have nobody to talk to - best friend in on like a second honeymoon not to mention she bailed me out last month when i got close to going under i can't possibly talk to her or tell her that i did go under this time and went under hard -- dont feel i have other friends and the new guy friend - yeah right i'm going to tell him anything about how poorly i've handled my money - so it's down to me and God and whoever reads this (which i think is only 1 person) - but it's ok - i dont need more than God and to capture my thoughts and fight this fear with God's word - things true, noble, just, pure, lovely (that's where i want to sit, on lovely thoughts), of good report, virtuous, praiseworthy (here too praiseworthy things)

the panic is down to a dull roar right now, but it's not coming back and it will subside soon - God's in control and He and i will make it - my job is to cast my care on Him for He cares for me and put my thoughts in line with His Word and Thoughts and wait for Him to take care of the rest

whew, this is hard, but God is good --- all the time

ok, so i dont have much to write today, i'll start writing anyway (these are usually the days i write the most, you know when i have nothing to say)

let's see, about my new friend, i've had a couple of dreams about him, but my dreams are usually nightmares so i'd rather just forget about them. it seems like i have to do all the calling to talk to him and as my friend says, the princess doesnt come out to the squires, she waits for them to call, so i'm pretty well done even attempting to go out and do things even as friends, he's friendly when we talk, he approaches and talks to me at church even when i'm around others, but as far as just calling and chatting or us going out and doing anything, it's all me calling him and asking him and i'm quite done with that. he's a wonderful man and i want his friendship in my life, but i'm not going to seem like i want more than what he seems to be able to offer. he did make a comment on the phone the other night he works all the time just because he simply doesnt have anything else to do. well i've offered him other things to do and while he does do most of them, he needs to get creative here - can i get an amen?

my son finished his g/t testing this week. he's such a man - wouldnt tell me anything about the testing - so, son, what did you do in testing?

son "just testing stuff"

mom "like what?"

son "just like testing and questions"

mom "what kind of questions"

son "just testing questions"

and on and on....

so needless to say i know nothing about his test or what they did and knowing the public schools, i'll be lucky to hear anything by the time school starts

today is my bestest friends' anniversary - they've been together 4 years i think she said - it's very exciting - they're fabulous people and i'm glad their my friends! happy anniversary!!!!

does anybody know anything about growing herbs? i have lavender, rosemary, cilantro and sage - now that i have them, what do i do with them? ok i know, i know people call me a city girl all the time and yes, it's true, i dont know what to do, but i'm sure enjoying what it is that i'm doing

my son and i went out and started picking blueberries last night - the neighbor came and joined us and we picked a gallon for her (she brought me a gallon the other night, i figured it was the least i could do) - son apparently has a strong distaste for fresh fruit (took on bite and spit it out) - not sure what i'm going to do with him, i'm trying to make things healthier and he's not having any part of it - i dont even have to tell him, he spits out food regularly that i've tried to make healthier - i think it tastes pretty good, but on those nights when i make stuff he doesnt like, he goes and makes his own pb sandwich - how sad, i think he's going to turn into peanut butter

well this has turned out to be more than i wanted to blog - i just wish i could get my new friend to talk to me as much as i talk to my blogs - lol

have a blessed day!

where to begin? - hmmm - God's been talking to me a lot lately about obedience. what me? no way...yes way. I’m not always a good listener. God's often got to use the 2x4 method on me; however, I’m getting better (I’m so glad He's patient!!!!) Anyway, I am a church secretary in a particular denomination, but I’ve been going to church Sunday and Wednesday nights in another denomination -- I’ve talked with 2 of the pastors in the other church and they say to listen to God and do what he says. So fine - nobody wants to tell me what to do (well, except God and I’m not good at listening to Him until He does use the 2x4) -- yesterday afternoon my son had a play date with a friend and promptly when he got home went to take a nap. it was time to be waking him up and get ready for evening church - I didn’t really want to go - my spirit kept nagging me "obedience" so I started whining "but God baby boy is asleep, he'll be cranky or he'll sleep in church, it's not good to get him out -- besides it's hot and there's no a/c in my car and we're in south Arkansas and I just don’t want to go" but the simple word obedience kept running thru my mind so I very unwilling headed to the church that I do truly love, I just didn’t want to get hot -- I had every excuse in the book for not wanting to go “but when I talked to the pastor, he wasn’t eager to get me into his church, he said to do what God told me to do” “I don’t know anybody there” “yes I know God moves in that church, but what does that have to do with me getting out in the heat?” “yes I love that church and I’m always uplifted and never feel out of place and it’s a wonderful experience, but have you been outside, God, it’s like 100 degrees and I don’t have a/c in my car, can’t I wait til winter?” on and on being the bratty little child that every parent dearly loves, but gets so frustrated with here and there.

So I’m slinking into church just as it starts, once I get there, I get cooled off and it’s fabulous to be there (I’m so glad I came, but please God, no I told you so-s here…) music has started, it’s peaceful in my spirit, shaking hands time, at least half dozen people I don’t recall ever seeing before come and shake my hand and introduce themselves, that was weird usually they just shake my hand and go on, but now they see me and I’m a person and they want to shake my hand, ok I needed that tonight, then I’m talking to the lady in front of me, look up and there’s pastor Scott coming to shake my hand, wow, is it really him coming all the way to the back of the church just to shake my hand, how cool. Maybe he’s not so indifferent after all, who knows, the lady in front of me says “do you know him” I’m like “well we’ve emailed and talked a time or two” – she’s like, he’s never come down to shake my hand like that – wow again, this church has such a warm, loving, caring feeling when you walk in the door, but you know God is there in the midst of everything done at that church. It’s unreal how wonderful it is

During the music portion of worship, pastor Scott comes up and says the Holy Spirit is talking to him and he’s not going to do his sermon. He hopes nobody is too upset, but the Holy Spirit is just telling him that we need to pray. I felt like pastor kept looking at me. The message on the powerpoint screens was hope, I just kept seeing hope before my eyes. It’s been the message I’ve received since the first time I watched this church on tv – hope. I’ve not had hope in a very long time – anyway pastor is saying that the Holy Spirit is moving and he’s stopped everything just for me (well he said you which meant you to each and every person there, but it felt so personal, like God, thru the pastor had stopped the whole world for me just for me) and it was time to pray. He said anybody who needs prayer come up to the altar and he would personally pray for every person who came, I felt like he kept looking at me, I thought it was my imagination and I felt I did need to go up, but I had my son with me and I couldn’t leave him, I couldn’t take him and he was in a mood and just agitating me the entire night. It was difficult to worship, it was difficult to concentrate, almost a spiritual battle going on, hear from God or look at the pictures your son is drawing or the car he’s throwing down the pew or the noise he’s making or whatever – I couldn’t leave him there, I couldn’t take him, I almost considered asking the couple in front of me to keep him with their 3 kids, but geez, I just met them, I can’t go – pastor kept calling people and I felt looking at me, but I didn’t go – I had to give up what I needed and take care of my son – pastor said it’s ok if you don’t come up, God’s working miracles tonight anyway. Then I got into my indignation yeah working them for everybody but me, what about my boys, God, did you forget it’s been years since I’ve been able to see or talk to them? When’s my miracle, God, I know You’re there, You’ve done too many awesome things, I still know You’re in control and on the throne and You know what’s going on, but have you forgotten about me and what I need? Anyway, my son’s nagging, I’d rather just pray for the people up there and we’ll worry about me later, I know people are hurting more than I am and they need more than I do and I’m just being whiny so I need to focus on others now, they have needs and they actually went up to ask for what they needed, it’s ok. God’s going to take care of You – He always has and He’s not forgotten you – remember your verse this week, Philippians 4:8 whatever things are true, noble, just, pure, lovely, of good report, virtuous and praiseworthy, these are the things to think about – time to ditch the stinkin thinkin again—ok calm again (I’m so glad people can’t read what’s going on in my thoughts, somebody somewhere would try to have me committed with all the conversations I have with myself and even with God) – so anyway, I feel God moving, I see things happening, it’s all good, it’s a very worshipful time even with my precious little child hanging on me and doing everything within his power to see that I don’t worship, he’s just a child and it’s ok – prayer time is over, I’ve worked thru my personal issues, given up myself and just let God move and flow thru me – church is almost over, son colored a picture for pastor Karen, I send him up to her before we leave – oops not over yet, youth pastor has some words to say – awesome even though today I can’t remember them, I know it was good, I was still reflecting on hope – there’s something about hope in this church not just because it’s the tag line, they really are a place of hope – so church is out, pastor says to talk to 2 people you don’t know – I’m so not good with that, so son and I slip out the door as quickly and quietly as possible. Oops caught. Pastor Karen comes out and catches us sneaking out – she’s so fabulous! Anyway we get in the car to leave, I’m more than pleased I listened and came to church. So in the car I go to turn my ringer back on my phone and have a vmail – it’s mom – call me asap—not good, sounds urgent – I call – she says where were you – I said at church – she says at which church – I tell her which one – she says were you praying – I said yes as a matter of fact I was, why? She said well I just talked to two of your boys (the boys I haven’t talked to, seen, heard from since Christmas ’99—whole other long story some day I’ll reduce to words) – I say what? She says, I’ve been talking to xmother-in-law she gave me boys’ phone number, I’ve been calling for a week, nobody returned the call, then I called tonight, a few minutes ago, talked with your xhusband’s new live-in girlfriend and she just said yesterday (Saturday) what would happen if Bobbie or her family ever re-appeared and then the next day Bobbie’s mom calls – (what? These words are so surreal, is she telling me the truth??) new g/f goes on to say that stepmother filled boys’ heads with lies and terrible things but boys knew some of the truth and now they want to know more of the truth about real mom – their grandma (x-mil) has been telling them about you and that you really aren’t the bad person stepmother made you out to be – she (stepmother) was terrible to your boys and it was a bad situation all around, your x left her for this new girl he met at work and now they’re almost willing to let people see and hear from the boys again – then she said she talked to oldest and second oldest boys – the talked about school and sports and things – wow – get off the phone with mom – you mean, God, some of that stuff at church was really for me? I don’t understand, it’s been so long what changed? Why now – must call my friend in Stephens and see what she thinks, can’t get her, try again, nothing, panic sets in, what if they’re lying, lots of other what ifs – can’t reach my friends, wait, call Karen at the church, ok she lives on that street behind the church, I know what it is, come on, church is on 8^th, 9^th maybe? Dang, column and half of last names in the phone book, I could call them all? Wait, I know about where her house is, surely if I drive over there I can remember? No, son is asleep, I need to talk to someone, nobody else will understand – wait, family knows about sons – called grandma, voicemail, called dad, unavailable – called sister – nothing – all this time I feel the small whisper in my head, I’m right here, talk to Me – no God, this is amazing what you might be doing, but I need someone to tell me I’m not hearing voices or something, or this isn’t just me, who can I call? Everybody has a life, “I’m right here, talk to Me” – who can I call? Nobody is available, I’ve left 10 messages on shanna’s phone, I’ve contemplated calling every name in the phone book, surely I can find pastor Karen that way? What if I call the church? Maybe someone will answer? I can’t talk to just anyone, nobody knows me- “I’m right here talk to Me” what? God, I can talk to You? You’re kidding, right? “I’m right here talk to Me” – ok, son has dinner he’s at the table, I go into my room, lights out, shut the door, get on my knees beside my bed and I say ok, God, come sit with me a while – it was a most amazing peaceful time – wasn’t long, son wouldn’t let it be too long – just me and God and some personal one-on-one time then things were more ok, panic back down, life is calmer, blood pressure came back within normal bounds, crying stopped (for a minute), heart wasn’t going to beat out of my chest anymore – peace – hope – there’s hope I might see my boys? “yes” hope, there’s been something about hope since I started at that church – “it’s all about obedience” – hope yeah I might see my boys again soon – wow, I thought I’d lost all hope, but now there’s a glimmer – the hope has returned, it IS about obedience, it is about listening to what God tells you to do and then doing it (just because I listen and know the truth or the right thing to do, doesn’t mean I make the right choice to do it, isn’t that how I wind up in so many messes in the first place?) WOW, that’s it, just WOW

This morning my doggie was going crazy barking at something. I tried to quiet him down from the house and he wouldn't stop barking. This is unusual for him so i went outside to see what his mafunction was. The next door lady was at a line of big bushes between my house and hers doing something. I didnt think much about it, but took the dog in and put him in his kennel.

Went home at lunch and curiosity starting setting in so i went out to the bushes and I have 8 taller than me bushes of BLUEBERRIES!!! wooo hooo

I picked a few before i had to come back to work. I ate as many as I picked I think!

aren't they fabulous looking???

I've also learned that in this new house (I moved in about 6 weeks ago) I have 2 fig trees and 2 pecan trees. Also as I was picking my berries, I noticed the neighbors have an apple tree in their yard! Time to become better acquainted with my friends!

I'm so excited!!!

Last night i went to the movies with a friend. It was a great experience. I dont care much for people talking during a movie, and he didnt talk all the way thru the movie, but he (and i) made just a few quick comments on things happening in the movie as they were happening. It was very nice. Afterwards, he said normally i'd say let's go get a cup of coffee somewhere, but since we're in such a small town, the only place is way far away. I said maybe we could stop at a convenience store and get a coke and sit in a park. we ended up going to his house and sitting on his front porch. we talked for 2 1/2 hours and it certainly didnt seem that long. when he finally said he had to travel out of town today and needed some rest but he didnt want to run off good company, i asked the time and that's when we discovered had been 2.5 hours - didnt seem like over a few minutes. it was very refreshing. i havent just sat and conversed with a man like that in a very long time. He's into some things i've not yet discovered in my life and at times i felt very inadequate as a conversation partner, but it was fascinating to hear things he enjoys and some hopes and dreams. he also shared something with me he says he doesnt share with many. i'm very pleased felt safe enough with me to open up and shared something in his life that isnt a big deal now, but was a year or so ago could come to be something in the future. that led to a beautiful discussion about God and how God can take care of everything. our whole conversation (to me) seemed to flow from subject to subject, one thing leading to something else. i felt better in this conversation than in others we've had because i felt like i was able to draw more out of him and let him talk a little more than i did (i'm saying i dont feel i overwhlmed the conversation as i've felt i've done in the past) -- it was a very comfortable evening. it felt very safe. he said as i was leaving to go home that it goes without saying that he had a good time, but he'd say it anyway. i said that i truly too had a very good time.

i'm very happy that God has sent me this friendship (i know this one has to be from God) and i look forward to the future as we become better friends and i get to know this guy more. it's true that guys do get cuter if the conversation is good. if i was opinionating on outward appearances (as wrong as it is i'm afraid i'm guilty of it often) i never would have given this guy the time of day. once i found out his profession and his age, i certainly would never have been interested in even pursuing a friendship, but now that i know some about him, friendship is very much a long-term option and i'm content to wait for him to decide what next fun thing we're going to do - he said next time, let's just skip the movie and sit and talk. i enjoyed it enough (even in my inadequacies after i found out how intelligent he is) that just sitting and talking would not hurt my heart in the least.

well that's enough of my ramblings. i just wanted to put a few thoughts down

I was raised in a way that taught me that it was wrong to call a boy (or man in this case) much less ever be the aggressor in anything until the friendship is very very very well established.

Well I broke my own upbringing today. I have a new friend. He and I have chatted a few minutes here and there over the last few months. Sunday he asked if I had any night free this week? I really didnt and said, no, but i do have lunch free. So he and i had a 2.5 hour lunch on Sunday. That night I broke my "rules" and called him - didnt plan to talk long, but we ended up talking 45 minutes. We left that conversation with him saying he'd make sure the phone works both ways and call me later in the week.

Oh dear, i'm not good at my rules - my son is out of town today and tomorrow and so this morning I wrote a text message to the guy, then saved it to my drafts folder. A couple of hours later, I pulled it back up, closed my eyes and hit send -- he wrote back and said "u bet" (he'd like to go see a movie tonight)

omg, did i really just do that? well, yep i did and now I guess my new friend and i are going to go see a movie tonight - how fun!!!!

My son went out of town with a friend who took him to my mother's for a few days. While he was away I planted some herbs, lavender, rosemary, sage and cilantro as well as a couple of veggies: tomatoes, cucumbers (which arent doing too well) and sweet peppers. I'm excited to see if I can actually keep these going.

Had a pleasant experience on Sunday when a man I've been chatting with for a couple of months asked me if I had a free evening this week. Sadly enough I did not, but I was free for lunch so we went out and had a 2.5 hour lunch. It was very nice. We spoke on the phone later in the night. He is a local attorney and I said many years ago that I would never date another attorney, but there really is something different about him. He's truly a nice man, it's just a profession he's chosen yet is finding ways to help others in it. I'm enjoying our blossoming friendship and will just keep it as a nice friendship for now and if anything ever comes of it, it'll be ok with me. I want so badly to be married again, but I havent taken the time to do it right in the past. I really want God in charge when I do get married again so I'm forcing myself to learn patience (which has always been hard for me). I usually have a lot of fear when someone seems interested in me and i have a habit of "disappearing" off the face of the earth when i get scared. I've had friends tell me they couldnt reach me or find me and that i disappear better than most. I just tell them I crawled into a hole and pulled it in after me. I really need to get into my old wounds and let God heal them. He's been wanting to do that for many years and yet I've kept my wounds, they helped me to keep my defenses up and not let people get too close.  I have friends and i have friends who are closer to me than family, but those are few and far between. Truthfully there is only 1 woman on this earth that I trust to know everything -- well her and anyone reading my blogs cause I do dump a lot, fortunately for me nobody I know personally knows I blog except my one friend I trust so i guess it's good for me.

I know it is time to allow God to come in and take away those last pains, but when they are gone, i'm not sure what to do, I've always had that pain and somehow it's been a comfort to me. Lately it seems i've been stepping out of my comfort zone an awful lot and it's getting easier to do that. I'm not in a panic mode as often. My life has very much slowed down since i moved to rural arkansas a year ago. It's taken a year to actually see how unhealthy i was and even think about beginning to deal with it. I still have issues, but i'm seeing currently my biggest one is fear and the worst thing i do to myself is negative self-talk. It's impossible to have agood self-esteem when all you hear in your head is negatvie self-talk. I'm trying to replace the "tapes" in my head with scripture. And when my mind goes blank, i can "see" my bible and the scripture Philippians 4:8 - 8 Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. -- so when i dont know what to think about i think about this scripture telling me what to think about, i may not easily come up with things that are pure and lovely and noble and just, but i'm working on it, next thing i'm going to do is start making a list so when i can't think of what to think because the "tapes" are so loud telling me all that's wrong with me, then i can read and eventually memorize those things i need to think on -- i'm also wanting to learn more scripture and hopefully get new things rolling around in my brain and quit overanalyzing everything.

well this was supposed to be about my garden, but i got sidetracked (gee imagine that ,me sidetracked)

have a blessed day - anyone who might be out there reading today!!!

bobbie

well, today is my baby boy's last day of school. he actually "graduated" from kindergarten earlier in the week, but he was able to return to school through today for fun - there aren't a lot of kids that went back, but us working moms have to have options sometimes.

i'm still going to get my fudge to work, i just havent tried again. i'm a little afraid of it lol

my dear friend came to work with me the other day and is helping me to get more organized at work. it's amazing how much she can teach me in such a short period of time. i'm exhausted often at work and even just a couple of days of using new systems, i see why. everybody wants something and it comes in from a million different directions, and that doesnt even give me enough time to do what i'm supposed to be doing in my job. but i'm going to get it under control especially with the help of this new "control journal" i'm using at work although we call it an office manual so nobody gets upset that i'm trying to control my job - lol

well i guess that's about all i know right now

have a blessed day and weekend!

well, i tried and didnt do so well. what you may ask? oh did i fail to mention? my friend likes fudge and so i wanted to make her some. i pulled out my grandma's tried and true recipe and then had to call my mom and ask what some of it meant (that had to have been my first clue to not even try - lol) anyhoo she told me what to do and i proceeded - put the ingredients in the pan, on low heat, stir constantly until they make a ball when you put them in water - i can do this -

plop into the water - ewwww that's gross and certainly not a ball -

few more minutes -

plop -

ewww -

anyhoo 45 minutes later i'm calling my mom again - when is this supposed to be balling? she's laughing now - saying it shouldnt have taken over 10 minutes - oops - i finally see a ball, well it could be a ball if you use your imagination - pull it out, add the other ingredients and put it in the pan - isnt fudge supposed to get hard? maybe the fridge will help - pull it out of the fridge later - uh oh, this surely isnt right, but lemme try a bite anyway - cough, gag, ummmm well this wet chocolate sugar-sand - isnt quite what i was going for - nevermind, call mom - ok lady, what did i do wrong - then she says well the ball in the water doesnt just form, you put your hand in the water and it should stick into a ball - uh huh and you didnt tell me this before why? well i thought you understood what about the fire? it wasnt high enough - shouldnt have taken over 10 minutes? i thought 45 minutes was a long time to be stirring- ok nevermind - i'm done, it's over, i'm not doing fudge again -

fast forward to this am - i pull the fudge out of the fridge thinking somehow it miraculously fixed itself overnight - i can't get the knife in it - oh dear, i think it's ellie may's cooking, hard as a rock -- and oh dear it won't come out of the pan - it's rock candy - lol - dont try to eat it, might break a tooth!!! -- all right, it's 6am, i can do this again - yesterday was a fluke, i'm really a good cook, recipes arent hard for me, what's the problem? all right, get the ingredients out, get smaller cup of water, put it on higher fire (hey it rhymes, higher fire) i can do this - mom says i'll know when it's ready to come out and make a ball in the water - not over 10 minutes - 8 minutes, well that almost forms a ball when i roll it, it'll do - this so has to be better than the first one - right? yeah, sure it does - put it in the pan - call mom - how long to set up - just a few minutes it should be kinda firm - hmmm well it's been a few minutes -- she laughs, maybe you shouldnt have tried again?

no way, a little fudge isnt going to get the best of me!!!

this one works! it just needs to go in the fridge --

ok now it's time to leave for the day - put the fudge on the couch for a minute - son runs out the back door, slams the back door and shakes the whole house - why is my fudge in the floor? well it's not runny, so surely it's all set up and good - yeah, it'll be all right - those cracks in it are character marks --

get to work, call in another staff member to help me test it out

why's it so runny under the top?

shut up, it'll be fine and you'll like it, here have a bite

nu uh

what do you mean nu uh? i'm having a bite--ewwwwwww

it's still wet chocolate sugar-sand - no, this can't be, i love to cook from scratch, i'm usually pretty good at it, how can this be?

fudge isnt that hard right?

so, i'm guessing by the time i go home tonight, i'll have 2 pans of ellie may fudge

want some?