Mothers Who Know

Husbands

Every once in a while, I keep checking over at the How I love Thee blog to see if there are any updates. What I read there has made me very tender hearted tonight. Although, I cant know exactly what has gone on in her life, her words there are very thought provoking, and heart pulling. My prayers will definitely have her in them tonight along with all of her children.

A month or so ago, I started an entry for my Marriage section about my Husband. I thought it was too wishy washy to post then, so I kept it as a draft and never posted it. I am still not going to post it, but I am going to paraphrase a little of it here, along with my gratitude to my Heavenly Father for a blessing, that is truly wonderful.

I have been married to my husband for almost 16 years. We have known each other for almost 17. We have been each other's best friends the whole time. I did not start out as a very 'good' wife, and even now, I am far from perfect. However, I started out with a "You are going to help me out, and it is your duty to come home after a long days work and take over for me, and I am not going to wait on you like my mother did for my father' attitude. Fortuneately, though that was my attitude, before I was married, real life softened it. I was deeply in love, and I wanted to do some things that made him happy. I was still nervous about doing too much, but I tried. My problem quickly became lack of skills, instead of attitude. I didnt know how to do anything. But I tried.

My son was born, I made my husband change his diaper the first few days, as I was too scared. I made him give him his baths for a month or more, because I was afraid I would drop him when he was all wet and slippery. When my husband went back to work after he was born, I sat on the floor and cried for a while, before I was able to pull myself together to face the day. What does this have to do with marriage??

Everything. During all these years, when I wasn't yet trying to be a 'good wife' , my husband was a good husband. He was kind, he was understanding. He encouraged me. He wasnt perfect and would get frustrated sometimes, but he was always there for me. When we argued, if it was his fault, and even sometimes when it was mine, he would apologize. I didnt have to wait to become a perfect wife, to have him treat me with dignity and respect. As a matter of fact, when I started to study about being a better wife, and implement those things, are marriage did not take a huge u-turn. It just went a little smoother. I learned not to exacerbate a rough day. I learned more about how men like to be spoken too, and how they think about things, why they give you the advice they sometimes do. In short, my becoming a more submissive wife, did not change our marriage, it just improved it.

We have always been each others confidantes. We have always turned to each other for comfort and guidance. We have had many bumps in the road, but we have made it through them all so far. I am so grateful for such a wonderful husband. I have always been treated as I would want my daughters to be when they are married. I did not feel like I had to "earn" love, or respect. They have always been given me. My heart goes out to those women struggling with husbands who don't treat them the way that they are supposed to be treated. We spend a lot of time talking about how we as wives should be, as we can only control ourselves, that I think sometimes people forget that the husbands are under obligation to be a certain way too. We with our actions, can inspire them to grow closer to the Lord, which will then in turn inspire them to be better husbands. We with our actions, can also make things much worse, and turn them away from us and the Lord, with our attitudes. But, as long as we are trying our hardest, our efforts should be met with gratitude, and love. If you have lost these things, then you should try your hardest, to regain them, if you never had them, then pray with all your heart, for  a way to be opened to gain them.

BUT, if you are being abused, then you need help. No matter what you do, you do not deserve to be hit, or otherwise abused. Men are treat women as they are the Church, even to the laying down of thier lives. Nowhere does the Lord condone violence toward women. If your husband has a lack of self control leading to his abusing you, do not blame yourself for his shortcomings. You need to stand up for yourself, and keep yourself, and your children safe. When all of us on these blogs, talk about honoring, and supporting our husbands and being submissive, and doing all we can - we talk about the regular safe marriage, and improving it. We are NOT talking about abusive situations. There are wives that do change men from being abusive to not, but  if you are in physical danger, you need to be safe first, and then you can work on changing his heart if that is your desire, from a safe distance.

I meant to have just a blog post, talking about how grateful I am for such a wonderful husband, but my mind is wieghed down by the post I read tonight, and I know that many women out there struggle with these things as well. Please if you are looking for ways to improve your marriage, keep reading these blogs, there is a ton of good advice. But, if you are looking for ways to become 'perfect' so your husband will stop abusing you, stop reading, and go get some real help.