Christmas Day

Posted on Monday, December 25, 2006 at 08:12

Merry Christmas everyone! Today has been quite an ordeal, though a more or less survivable one. Our niece and nephew loved thier gifts (and let's face it, the kids are all that matter) and we received some nice things as well. My mother in law gave us a massive quanitity of money (nearly a months rent) that I'm not sure what we will do with. Pay rent, probably :) My family in Texas is doing very poorly. It makes me not want to go down there, but it's a little late to decide not to. Three weeks now.

Busy Busy Busy!

Posted on Tuesday, December 19, 2006 at 04:46

So sorry for not posting or updating in so long, things have been crazy here. Moving in January has made it impossible to refuse any social invitations OR any work offers, so our schedule has been packed. Saturday I went shopping and baked as many sugar cookies as I could, Sunday I worked two jobs and then went to a party, and Monday I worked two jobs and then made dinner for Hilary and Dallas. Today? I finally got our finances worked out (we've been lax over the holidays, but no love lost and our moving money is still holding strong) and baked gingerbread cookies and prepared myself for the steamed pudding I need to make between work tomorrow and the potluck holiday bash that evening.
In an hour I will be going to meet the woman who will be leading the group to India Dom and I intend to join next year and then at eight I will be going to another get-together with friends, for whom I need to still wrap MORE presents! Meanwhile I need to make dinner (buscuits and eggtofu salad). Hope everyone is having as much fun in the chaos as I am!

Today...

Posted on Thursday, December 14, 2006 at 10:30

I will get through this...
Finding the apartment hunt isn't going to be as easy as pie as we've been telling ourselves. Finding things to be a bit more expensive in the area we want.
Where should our priorities lie? Mostly, we just don't want noisy neighbors. But it's difficult to get a feel for that from 17 hours away, isn't it?
Dom's desires are so contradictory. It is so hard agreeing with what he wants when I know it's simply not out there. A cheap house in the middle of nowhere reight next door to a bus route and a two minute jog to his job. Not happening. And it shouldn't be my fault that it isn't.

Uninspired

Posted on Wednesday, December 13, 2006 at 06:11

I've been feeling so strange lately, as though my brain is turned off. I'm only writing now out of responsibility rather than desire, which I'm sure makes interesting reading!
I'm really trying not to obsess about the future, it only damages my ability to take on the now. I feel so overwhelmed by our move, so happy and exhausted even though I'm not doing anything but thinking about it. Perhaps I am saving my energy for a reason, I might just need it. But my life here can not be put on hold!
I think I might have found a real internet data entry job online, I went so far as to open  a paypal account to enable me to send them the preliminary $5 to register, and to recieve the payments I will hopefully recieve if the job is legitimate. $5 seems like a small price to pay for a job that will enable me to stay at home and give me an excuse to spend hours a day on the computer. I recognize that work is work, and data entry is especially horrible work, and it will not be easy money. But it would be a really nice way to supplement our income on a freelance basis. I am not getting my hopes high, yet, but I certainly hope I haven't wasted five dollars.

10 Things I want For Xmas

Posted on Tuesday, December 12, 2006 at 03:43

1. Dom's happiness
   
2. To remember how to want to be a good housewife (I've been so uninspired lately)
   
3. For Lilly to grown into a happy, healthy baby
   
4. A phenomenal wedding for Jen
   
5. A fantastic ending to my husband's game (long story)
   
6. Dom's game to be complete (still a long story)
   
7. A beautiful Austin apartment
   
8. To make decent money doing gig work or a telecommute job in Austin
   
9. All of our debts paid
   
10. Love
    

Sugar Cookies

Posted on Saturday, December 9, 2006 at 11:52

Last night my friend Hilary and I baked and decorated sugar cookies. I wanted to do this with her because she is the mommy of a seven week old baby girl and I think she enjoys the rare company of another grown up. Sadly, it only occured to me halfway through that my friend is not a domestic person, does not enjoy cooking, baking, gardening, etc. as much as me. I'm kind of embarassed, like I've been pushing her to be something she's not. I know she had fun, and we enjoy eachother's company, and she loves it when I take care of the baby long enough for her to check mail and do other two-handed chores. But at the same time I realized I've been horning in on their Christmas more than I should be.
I'll be spending Christmas with the Davies clan (dom's sister and her husband and two children and his extended family) for the third year in a row now. It is always a lovely experience, but it is not how Dom and I wish to celebrate the holidays. The materialism is overwhelming at their house. Dom and I love hand-made, used, and traditional. We love silver bells and Yule Logs, stockings stuffed with oranges and walnuts. As with Thanksgiving, I crave a holiday that makes me feel fullfilled, spiritually and emotionally. I want my ideals to be observed and celebrated.
Maybe I will stuff one of Dom's socks with fruit, nuts, and stollen this year, surprise him with a little representation of what we should have together.

Inexperienced Love

Posted on Friday, December 1, 2006 at 07:50

Monday is our two year anniversary, and I'm really worried that the mood I've been exeriencing today won't go away by then. What if it never goes away?
The Summer before Dom and I got married, when we were engaged but he was across the Atlantic, I got a data entry job in the hopes of funding our wedding. The work was horrible, eight hours a day typing names and phone numbers into an excel worksheet, alone with my thoughts. And I didn't have any thoughts. I just heard my heartbeat, so loud it drowned everything else out. And the beat said "Dom Dom Dom Dom." Constantly, literally, nothing but his name revebrating through my being. And this wasn't a joyous thing, it was maddening and distracting.
I love him so totally it drives everything else out of me. The love sits, chained to my heart, growling furiously at anything else that comes too close. The only other emotion I ever seem to really feel is depression-when the dog loses his attention and suddenly I'm left with nothing else to fall back on. And when does this happen? When it seems that there is no possible way Dom could love me as strongly as I love him. When he talks about having a bad day, wanting to leave his job, when he misunderstands or underestimates me. When he is unhappy and there is nothing I can do I am a failure, a waste, and how does anyone live this way?
Will the love eventually dull, enabling me to withstand his petty pains and difficulties with learned gentleness and comfort? Would I be okay with that? What happens when we have children? Is it all a matter of growing up?

I can believe it

Posted on Thursday, November 30, 2006 at 06:01

Which Positive Quality Are You? Your Result: Peace You are Peace.  Peace is the opposite of anger and destruction.  Peace is calm.  It tears down barriers; it brings us together.  Peace is a noble goal sought by the good of heart.  "May peace prevail on earth."
Friendship
Charity
Love
Courage
Faith
Which Positive Quality Are You?

Day Off

Posted on Thursday, November 30, 2006 at 05:26

Most of the way through my 'day off' and I am exhausted!

I borrowed a car today to do laundry and errands. Picked up an $8 flat rate box at the post office. I guess Dom and I will start filling it tonight and start mailing our most precious things to my brother's apartment in Austin the next time I have $8. Which isn't often lately, all of our 'gig' work seems to be drying up...So frustrating to know that this time last month we were able to pay all of our debt in one week, and spend the rest of the cash on living expenses and savings. My goal has been to save $300 a month, which would have been peachy keen had we not decided to leave a month earlier than originally planned.

While I was at the laundromat I read Real Simple magazine. I love magazines, but I don't let them into the house as they are the epitome of environmentally unfriendly clutter. This was a kitchen issue and got me plotting about our future home. I got so hungry reading recipes and stoicly ignoring the snack machines that directly after laundry I went to the Krogers across the street and bought loads of fresh, organic, mostly seasonable veggies.

I finally got home and started beans and a vegetable stew in the crock pot I found on the side of the road walking home from work last week. Now I'm sitting down, ejoying a hot cup of tea and a celery snack. Beat, though really all I did was read a magazine most of the day...

Calmed Down

Posted on Wednesday, November 29, 2006 at 12:01

Sure enough Dom and I unplugged our phone between the time we went to sleep last night and 11:30 this morning, which was nice. I just don't know what I'll do if they ask us to vacate our house December 4th, our two-year anniversary.

I have to remind myself that real estate jerks or not, this apartment is still far better than the one we had this time last year. We were next door to a gentleman who thought it appropriate to get very drunk and sing loudly along to the Alvin and The Chipmunks Christmas record ("Alls I want's a HOOOOOLLLLLa HOOOOOOOOOOOOP!!") at 4 in the morning every.night.of.the.week. Above us was a woman who wore earplugs, turned up her television so she could hear it with the ear plugs on (our friends who lived below US could hear her television) and then went to sleep!!! She was furious whenever we knocked on the door to ask her to cease this senseless action, as was the guy next door. We were really miserable then, now we're just a bit annoyed.

Renting Troubles

Posted on Tuesday, November 28, 2006 at 02:45

Our landlord informed us a few months ago that he is intending to sell the house we rent the basement of. It is one of the things that cemented our decision to move to Austin. We were informed that our leases are still valid, and we are required to allow real estate and prospective buyers into our home-which should be clean and tidy-for viewings.

Well, the real estate woman in charge of getting the place off his hands, Brenda, has been an absolute monster. We bent over backwards for weeks in order to make things easier for her. We got calls at seven at night telling us we'd need to be out of the house between 9:00 and 11:30 the next day...including the night I worked the 21 hour shift that let out at 4 a.m. We would come home at eleven p.m. to a message on our machine saying to have the place clean and empty the next morning, hours before Dom is due at work, two or three times a week. Sometimes they would come hours early and act as though Dom was intruding on them.

Finally, Dom told Brenda we'd had enough and would no longer vacate the premises with less than 24 hours notice. She had the nerve to argue that "the day before" is considered "24 hours notice" but backed down pretty quickly.

Then yesterday morning we got a call at 9:00 a.m. demanding a veiwing at 9:00 today. I said no, for the hundredth time, because
A. That would take Dom out of bed several hours early, and every Monday we stay out late with our friends who just had a baby
and B. No way would we have time to clean up the house between work,  cooking dinner, and our social obligations.

An hour later our landlord called to shout at us for not playing ball with the jerks who don't see anything wrong with kicking us out of our home on a whim.

...ookay, fine. You don't want us to have the few hours we get to spend at home a week? Great. Dishes won't be washed, then. Floor won't be mopped, computer area will be a wreck, and all bets are off. I don't WANT to live in a disheveled home, but I don't bloody well have a choice at this point, do I?

Well, actually, I do. From now on, our phone will no longer be plugged in before 11:30, so they won't be waking Dom up "just in time" to make an appointment. If they want to schedule an appointment with us for 9:30 in the morning, they can do so 48 hours in advance so I can arrange them into my schedule with ease. This is my home, whether they choose to recognize that or not, and I won't be bullied in it.

 

Beautiful Thanksgiving

Posted on Friday, November 24, 2006 at 11:55

I hope everyone enjoyed their holiday as much as we did. Dom and I were really not looking foward to the meal with our brother-in-laws family, who always make us feel very awkward and embarassed. They are a very wealthy clan whose conversation with us can't seem to get past the "when are you going back to college?" or "when are you going to get a real job" phase. So Dom and I did something really horrible: we called in sick and celebrated the holiday alone together. It was absolutely wonderful.
We had the quiche from the day before, tofurkey and gravy, biscuits, cornbread, beans, steamed cabbage, mashed potatoes, coconut cream pie and pumpkin pie. I cooked and baked from noon until six while Dom played sudoku in the kitchen and chatted with me about everything from gender differences to a new vacation plan for 2008: a bike tour of The Painted Desert for my birthday. After dinner I called my mom, dad, and brother. All were happy to hear about Dom's job interview and mom said she'll drive up to Austin to pick us up from the train station, and stay the next day to help me scour thrift shops for essential new home supplies.  I told everyone that next year they will be enjoying Thanksgiving with me, and they all seemed very pleased with the idea. So I may have a real family holiday to look foward to! Since my parents divorced when I was four, this has NEVER happened. The last time all four of my mom's kids were even in the same room together was about sixteen years ago, so you can imagine how happy this makes me.
Now to start preparing for Christmas! (Yes, I have been procrastinating, haven't I?)

Fantasy Thanksgiving Dinenr

Posted on Wednesday, November 22, 2006 at 04:43

Monday I baked my first quiche ever and enjoyed it so much that I did two more today. I didn't intend to do two, but I baked the first one at the wrong temperature (for too long) and it's a little charred. Hopefully it will be okay for dinner tonight? Meanwhile, the second will be my contribution to Thanksgiving dinner, assuming it turns out alright.
Tomorrow we will be eating at our brother-in-law's family meal. These family functions are so awkward, for Dom and myself, we just don't fit in with Chip's relations. The last visit I mentioned something about baking bread and Chip's sister's husband said, "oh, that's such a luxury." And I just can't put into words just how that makes me feel coming from a retired man the age of my husband lounging by his pool serving up plastic tray after plastic tray of pre-packaged Whole Foods finger foods. Yes, baking a bread is a luxury-one I work like mad to acquire.
I was regretting my own family's loose ties when I decided that come next year, my family will gather for the holidays, in my home. Oh yes, divorced mom and dad, spoiled sister and airhead brother and bizzare wife, and anyone else who wants to come on in, will be dining at my table. And there will be rejoicing. At least someone will, because I'm going to cook a vegetarian Thanksgiving dinner to end all dinners.
Everyone else has been sharing their menus, so I shall expose my fantasy, next year dinner menu:

Tofurkey, naturally
Spaghetti Squash w/butter
Butternut Sqaush with brown sugar and butter
Broccoli and Cauliflower tofu pot pie
Spinach Quiche
Egg Rolls (weird, I know, but they're too much hassle to make from scratch any other time of year)
Green Salad with candied walnuts and apples
Yams
Black-eyed peas
Green beans

Better

Posted on Wednesday, November 22, 2006 at 11:35

I feel much, much better this morning. I guess I've been fighting with so many demons of stress and anxiety between work and home and the move and the holidays and Dom's work problems that it all just sort of came out yesterday. Although the morning nightmare faded, by the end of the night I was so physically ill I could barely make it from the loveseat to bed to go to sleep. But now I feel great!
Today I will play catch up. Clear home, clear mind perhaps? Even though it is cold, I will run about town, prepare myself for X-mas, and get some more junk out of my house in preparation for the move.

Bad Morning

Posted on Tuesday, November 21, 2006 at 04:00

Something really weird happened when I woke up at 5 a.m. this morning. I just sort of flipped out on Dom, on myself, on my job and life. I was utterly and totally miserable, thinking that this was it: I finally lost my mind and I would nevr be happy again. Poor Dom had no idea what to do. He told me to call in sick but I couldn't-I was due to arrive an hour before anyone else, there was no one to call. At the same time, I was certain there was no way I would be able to drag myself out of bed and face the world. It was so cold and dark and suddenly I was a little kid again.

It was only when all of my misery was so overwhelming that Dom started to slip, to whimper himself, that I managed to get ahold of myself. It was like waking up from a nightmare, I slowly realized who I was and what I'm about and yes, it will be light again soon, someday it will even be summer again. I wasn't okay all at once. I crawled to work and dealt with customers for hours before I felt fully normal. I developed a headache, and I'm very tired and will go to sleep soon, but otherwise I feel perfectly normal. I asked a friend to take my shift tomorrow, just in case, but I hope nothing like that ever strikes again.

Sleepy

Posted on Monday, November 20, 2006 at 02:45

Last night Dom and I discussed money and I realized what causes all of the home-maker vs. working woman angst: I care very much about the amount of money we have to spend. I don't think my sin is greed, but it is definitely avarice. I recently found out that a girl I don't like very much is buying a house, and I envy her because I don't see why she can have one (with no husband, not even a real job!) and I can't. I also want to go back to school, to get my teeth fixed, to travel, to maybe procreate or adopt someday, and all of that requires the Big M(oney). It's not like I want to wear nice clothes, go to the movies, buy a vehicle, or eat out, but the principle is the same, isn't it? I'm tempted by the American dream: a home and family-on credit. But I can't let myself be weak. Dom wouldn't let me if I tried.

We were discussing travel, our dream of going to England next August. And we decided we will need to save $300/month in order to realize that dream. Dom said, "oh, that's just one of my paychecks a month, we can do that." I am still amazed at how budget un-savvy my love is, even after all we've been through. After I pointed out just how impossible $300 a month would be with the rent we'll likely pay and the $650 debt servicing we cover, he asked me to do it. And I'm thinking, okay...that's 75 a week, at my current salary abilities I'd have to work 15 hours. Three days a week. I can do that. Dom, after all, will be at work between 2 and 10 every day, so if I got the proper schedule (at a coffee shop that shouldn't be too hard) and managed my time properly, he wouldn't have to know I'm employed.

Posted on Sunday, November 19, 2006 at 03:39

Do you ever ask questions specifically to see if you'll get the answers you don't want? For instance, you know "Does this make me look fat" is too obvious, but your husband might fall for "Do you think we should eat healthier?" Of course you can always eat healthier, but the next thing you know you're accusing him of calling you a cow. Or is this just me? It might just be me.

It's not a way of starting a fight, but a way for asking for support without feeling too obvious. Lately what I've needed support on is the desires to become a full-time housewife. This issue has me racked with guilt and curiosity, but I think I finally convinced myself that it might be a good path to explore. Now if only I could get Dom to say something, anything, other than a bland "do whatever makes you happy, baby."
So last night I asked, without any conscious ulterior motive, "Do you think I'm romanticizing housewifery?"
And Dom said yes. And suddenly he's telling me that he's worried that I'll get bored with nothing to do all day, and guilty if things don't get done, and remember how upset I got when I controlled the budget and something went awry? But he's willing to take care of me, he wants to pay me back for that year I took care of him. He doesn't mind my staying at home, but only if I decide to get serious with my writing, perhaps publish a novel I've been working on. Take classes. Do side work.

A simple yes or no would have sufficed.

This morning I woke up feeling so broken-hearted that I was over, done with homemaking and wanna-be homesteading. I thought, "Fine. I'll start applying for jobs and get a fancy office gig, too. Neither of us will have time to cook but we'll be able to afford expensive organic convienence foods. TV dinners mean never having to do dishes, and the dishwasher will make cleaning a breeze."
I was so busy being grumpy that I nearly didn't realize that I had no idea where my keys were, my jacket was on the floor (along with other clothes strewn about the room). There were dishes in the computer room; we hadn't even cleaned up after breakfast. Speaking of breakfast, we were out of eggs, and I'm afraid to open the yogurt container and see if it's still edible, and the bread was left out and is now stale. And back to dressing, why don't I have any bloody socks!
It clicked. This is not how I want to live. This is not how Dom should live, and he doesn't even know it.
So I persevere with my desire, and hope he learns to appreciate it when he sees it in action.

Happy Future Hardships

Posted on Saturday, November 18, 2006 at 02:44

Now that we have a job to go to in Austin, we know how much income we'll have ($1500/month), where we'll be living (semi-expensive but worthy section of city), and even what hours we'll be working with (Dom's work schedule is from 2:00 p.m. to 10:00 p.m.). Although getting an apartment will be much easier now, I can see we have some BIG challenges ahead of us.
Lacking a vehicle or the funds for a moving van, we have decided to take a train to Austin and take with us what we can carry. Believe it or not, a bed will not be included with our carry-on luggage. What's more is that we are arriving the evening before Dom is to start his first/training/probation period day of work. So I will quite literally have to hit the ground running in order to make are new home liveable by the time he gets off work. I don't have any idea about how I will manage this. Hopefully I can at least find a friend willing to drive me around thrift shops in search of cookware!
Another challenge will be the budget. Since only Dom will be earning, our net worth will remain constant while our rent will double (as will, for a brief period, our expenses). It's not like I can just whip out a credit card and come home with a new kitchen. Rent plus deposit will probably cost between $1400 and $1600. That and the train tickets pretty much wipe out our savings. Luckily, Dom is due to get paid weekly, but that first week is going to be a flurry of hard decisions: cookware or something to cook in them? sheets or pillows? towels or a shower curtain?
Truth be told, I'm looking foward to the hardship. I've been wheighing the pros and cons of staying home pretty carefully lately, and at least I can be sure that the home will require every ounce of energy I can muster for those first few weeks. Sure, I could be out there earning, but what's the point of bringing home the faux bacon if there's nothing there to fry it in?

Great Day!

Posted on Friday, November 17, 2006 at 10:57

I got to sleep in today and have breakfast made for me by my lovely (my blog makes it sounds like he is the only one doing any cooking!) and then started a butternut squash/pumpkin pie that just would not turn into a pie so much as a pudding...anyway, just before I put it in the oven the phone rang and it was one of the five companies Dom sent a resume to. It was an impromptu, unexpected phone interview that led to my love being told that he will be trained Jan 17th and, if he does well, he'll be hired! We are both ecstatic! Getting an apartment will be so much easier.
The hours are a little weird: two p.m. until ten p.m. That means we'll mostly likely be starting the day at noon and ending it between two and three in the morning!
Now I'm begining to wonder if Dom will get other calls, or  a better offer? It is so liberating to know we won't be going down there without a net.

Drama Galore

Posted on Thursday, November 16, 2006 at 02:30

Yesterday my husband told me he was turning in his two week notice because his work situation is unbearable. I write this as though it was a calm, cool conversation about limitations and oppurtunities, but in reality it was a huge stormy mess that ruined most of the day and left us both tear-stained and stressed. There was no argument between us of course, Dom just had a lot of bottled up pain and guilt that suddenly needed to be expelled.
The result of all this is that we decided to move the date up two weeks and leave Jan 15th instead of Feb 2nd. Although it is only two weeks closer, and it is possible we will move the date back as needed, I am begining to get really nervous.