The Hunnicutt Homestead

Parenting Special Needs Children

It is 24 degrees outside and snow is falling steadily.  School has been cancelled for the kids.  The girls are upstairs playing princess.  The boys have gone outside with S to split wood and carry it into the shed to dry.  I am blissfully left with time to contemplate all sorts of things, but today I will be confessing my difficulties in parenting children with learning issues.  As this is a confession, be prepared for some brutally honest feelings.  My point in sharing them with you is to show that I am human, and that my hope and my help comes from the God of creation.

Before becoming a parent, and even after having 2 biological children, I always envisioned my children as being extremely bright, clever, intelligent and resourceful.  After all, haven't we always been told that we can accomplish anything if we work hard and "believe in ourselves"?  Ah, but there is the deception!  You have heard me say this before; biblically we were never promised this.  While hard work is a virtue and comes with a blessing in and of itself, anyone who takes the time to think about it notices that while we are all created equal in God's eyes (He does not play favorites),  we are all given different abilities , different gifts, different trials and temptations.  Obviously some struggle with math, others with athletic ability, some are great at art and music, others excel in the area of conversation and making others feel welcome or included.  Some are beautiful, others, hideous to the human eye.  While these things are obvious, we still lay expectations on our children to be a certain way.  So what happens when our child doesn't fit our own expectations, nor meets the ability to learn the basic skills necessary to live what we think is a productive life?

Lately I am finding myself troubled over my relationship with one of my daughters.  With a special needs child who is currently undergoing evaluation for learning disabilities and cognitive delays, I find myself becoming easily frustrated as well as grieving over the loss of anticipated special moments that we would have shared over various milestones in our relationship, were the learning issues not present.

I had been looking forward to several things.  One was discussing great classical works of literature.  Another was sharing a love for learning, music, art, language, and culture.  However, this is proving to be moot.  At the age of five my daughter is unable to name her colors.  She is unable to recognize letters and numbers.  She can not make the connection between counting and identifying the result.  She is unable to follow two step directions.  So what do I do now?

Last week I was walking through a bookstore and picked up a beautiful illustrated copy of Jane Eyre.  This is a book I would be thrilled to read together with my daughters and discuss.  Now I am not sure she will even be able to learn to read.  The thought brought tears to my eyes and I reluctantly and sadly replaced the book back on the display shelf.  It would be something else altogether if my child was able to learn to read and preferred to do sports or music or some other talent.  I would wish to encourage her in whatever direction she was interested.  However, Iit is difficult to read a simple preschool book to her.  She will zone out, shaking her head and staring at some distant object.  I will ask her something about the story and she is at times able to answer, however usually I am prompting her to look at the pictures in the book and pay attention.  To have a child who is not able nor interested in learning is heart breaking to me.

Before bed last night S and I were discussing the difficulties of trying to impart learning and knowledge to this particular child.  It is exactly like banging one's head against the wall repeatedly and getting no different result other than the intensity of the headache.  The frustration and consternation of it is exasperating!  Some days I find myself giving up completely.  I notice myself keeping my distance, losing my self in my work or my other children, which is hardly fair.  Simply put, I am at a loss with what to do with this child. 

Obviously, it is sinful for me to write her off as useless or a waste of time.  At the same time I find myself thinking that to keep trying with no different result is insanity.  So, I keep contacting specialists.  I try to encourage her in the things she can do.  I try to remember the ways that she is able to bless others.  This is my challenge, to focus on the good things.  Some days this is very hard.  After 20 minutes of looking in her room my daughter is crying because she cannot find her shoes.  The shoes are in plain sight over by her play table. 

"Use your eyes!"  I exclaim.  "They are right here!  Why didn't you line them up in their place when you took them off so you could find them easily!?"  I know my tone and expression frightens her and causes distress in what is already a stressful situation for her.  I am filled with exasperation and feel the urge to yell, wanting to be able to physically do something to break through whatever it is that is blocking her ability to look for her shoes.  I don't.  Instead I tell her to go downstairs to breakfast.  She moves very slowly, heading for the far stairs instead of the ones in front of her that lead directly down to the kitchen.    I grab her arm and turn her towards the correct stairs, saying, "Quickly!  Everyone is already down there and ready to eat!"  On these difficult days I am not patient, I am not kind, and at the end of the moment or the day, I am full of sorrow for my sin. 

It is very humbling for me to think that God has given me this child and I am failing her!  It is often a prayer of mine to help me to love her and see her the way God sees her.  I know she is extremely special to Him.  I know there is a purpose for her here.  Additionally I know there is a purpose for me, but I am blind to what these purposes are and how to go about fulfilling them.  I feel as though I am in an invisible prison, feeling for a way out but only coming up against solid iron walls that have no windows, no doors.  So, I pray.  I trust in the faithfulness of God's word.  He is my hope, and the hope of my children.  I want Him to change me, to make me a better mother, one who is more able to understand and empathisize with her daughter's needs and difficulties in life, to be able to be her supporter, her encourager.  I am waiting to see the story unfold, to see the adventure and miracle of this lifetime.  I know I am unable to change myself, just as I am I am unable to change my children.  I can not remove myself or my daughter from this mental confinement.  I must lean on the Author of Life to be the Author of my life, to be my sustenance, my strength, as well as my refuge.

Later on, my daughter will suddenly come to me and gently rub my back while I am reading or working on the computer.  "I love you, Mama."  she tells me with a shy smile.  I stop what I am doing and tell her, "I love you, my sweet girl.  You are such a good girl, do you know that?  You work very hard and are a good helper.  I love you!"  I meet her little face with a smile and a kiss and I hold her for a while.  We sing songs or visit and snuggle, until the moment ends when someone else needs something or the phone rings.  At those times I can't help but think, why am I so blessed?  Life is so unfair to her, to me. 

Then I reluctantly remember "...we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perserverance; and perserverance, character; and character, hope.  Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us."  Romans 5:4,5.  I encourage you to read the subsequent verses in Romans on your own, reflecting on God's love and our reconciliation to Him, especially when times seem difficult or discouraging.  It is my hope.

Untitled Comment

{ 09:39, Thursday, March 6, 2008 } { Posted by schatzila }

Thank you for sharing your heart....we too have a "special" child....and my heart goes out to you....I understand absolutely everything you are saying....and yes,there are day when I feel like I cannot go on....but I do and have been for 22 years.

Our daughter is now 22....she lives in a 6"4" body with size 15 men's feet, but has never gone beyond the age of 6-7....she can only read a few words she has memorized....she has no friends...and everyone thinks she is a boy because of her large features....she really is nothing great to look at. She lives a very boring life and there are times when she is so incredibly lonely that we really do not know what to do with her....she will never be able to have a job, or go hang out with friends....she will never get married, go off to college....she just sits home with me and dh and the rest of her siblings.

I do know that God has a plan, but of lately, I'm am beginning to doubt all that also.....her life seems meaningless and not sure why she was created...there is no purpose that we can see....but thankfully God sees the bigger picture and some day it will be revealed her purpose....if not here then in heaven.

So I truly understand what you are saying....

Blessings,

Connie