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Part 4: Back to the Story at Hand

Back to the story at hand- I was left with the decision to pursue a degree and retain my title of youth pastor or take, instead, the title of director of youth ministries. I was assured that everything else would remain status quo- it was “just a matter of semantics, really”. It was an easy decision to make as I don’t have any other options- the church cannot afford to help pay for my classes, I can’t pay for the classes and more than that I don’t have the time or energy to take the classes. I average more than 20 hours a week doing youth ministry, plus I raise a family- taking care of husband and children and homeschool (and I won’t even go into the other volunteer church ministries I help with). There are not enough hours in the day or sanity left available to me to make it happen. My pastor said he understood but seemed a bit unhappy that I didn’t want to pursue classes. I asked if he would like me to step down and he was adamant that I should not.
At this time, he also shared with me his unhappiness with people in the church remarking on my being overlooked and the statement that was being rolled around that our church “had two pastors” (meaning him and me). He also felt that with his degree and years in the ministry that it wasn’t right for people to be saying such things or putting us on the same level and due the same recognition. It seemed to me that he was intimating that I was stirring this up because I wanted to be recognized as such.

 After getting over my shock and hurt, I assured him that I wasn’t out for the glory and recognition but that I did indeed hold a paid ministry position and there should be some honor in that. It does, indeed, hurt to be overlooked.
Months later, I still have a bitter taste in my mouth over this whole thing. There was no big announcement within the church of my title change, just a quiet changing on paperwork and such. I have been admonished a few times since the change to make sure that all my paperwork etc. has my new title on it and not “pastor”, which hasn’t been intentional on my part- it’s amazing how often that word appears and sometimes I just don’t catch it. After referring to myself with one title for over 5 years, I continue to slip up when referring to said title. I haven’t seen it as a very big deal but others have. I was also surprised by the reaction of some of the parents and youth in my youth group when I let them know of the title change. They seemed more hurt by it than myself and saw it as unnecessary. I shared that it was necessary since I didn’t have any degree to back up that title. Most of them continue to refer to me as their youth pastor.
Still others have taken the name change in yet a different way, feeling that they need to step in and oversee the ministry because I don't hold a degree (even though they have always known this). These are in the minority but are quite vocal. Having served in youth ministry for 6 years without having someone "looking over my shoulder" and questioning many aspects of the ministry has been quite disconcerting. In some ways it has challenged me to dig deeper and re-evaluate and even change some things- so in that way it has been good. In other ways- it has been very hard for me not to take offense at some of the questions/new demands. Like I said, it has been quite disconcerting.
Needless to say, this summer was very rocky and painful for me in youth ministry. Never before have I come so very close to leaving the ministry. I wrestled with God a lot on me staying or going. I have asked God again and again to make it clear to me and I continue to feel Him pressing upon me to “wait”. It hasn’t been easy- oh no it has not but when I feel God whisper “wait” I am reminded that “Those who wait upon the Lord will renew their strength, they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not be weary, they will walk and not grow faint.” [Isaiah 40:31] And so I have learned better how to wait. I understand that “waiting” is something God is teaching me right now. I do not know what I am waiting for but I know that through God I have the strength to persevere.
Stay tuned for Part 5: Support for those in ministry