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I want to wallow in my wrongness- but He won't let me
There are days when I don't like me.There are days when I feel mad, just plain mad and don't want to get over my mad. I don't have a reason for it- I just am it. The kicker is I know I am wrong but continue to wallow in my wrongness.
Not a pretty picture is it? I'm so far from perfect I can't even see the bottom rung.
So what is one to do when they know they are being incredibly disobedient to the Lord with their horrid behavior and that same horrid behavior spills into all areas of their life- husband and children and such?
These are the times when I know I have to banish myself to my prayer closet. I have realized something else- that asking for prayer for myself during these times is important.
You see- these days coincide with my cycle. I learned early on (years ago) to make Mr. Steady aware of this- I don't mark the calendar like some women or expect Mr. Steady to keep track. For me, it is simply easiest to just quietly tell Mr. Steady I am starting. He then knows to pray for me in a different way during this time. I also ask Him to pray specifically when I am having an extremely difficult day.
Yesterday I realized I needed to add another pray-er to the arsenal- Maiden. Yes, she's 10 but boy can that girl pray! I realized yesterday, that I was behaving very irrationally about what normally would have been a very small trifling matter. Maiden said to me, in the midst of my mini erruption, "Mama it's okay. I prayed about it." Nothing like your child to put a different perspective on things when you are being a total idiot (yes, I was too). Yes, I was still mad but I just looked at her and said, "Sis, would you please pray about my attitude today? It's not very good and I know it."
And so she did.
And my attitude improved for awhile until another mini-crisis in the afternoon set me off . . . . . sigh. I was then and continue to be ashamed of such behavior. I just feel like my hormones have run away with me . . . . it did open up an opportunity for Maiden and I to talk about it- cycles and hormones and the like.
And I learned yet another lesson of how I am so not in control of my own self. God reminds me again and again that He needs to be in control- always in control. I start each day by saying "Lord, I give you this day. Give me strength for today and hope for tomorrow. You know my schedule, Lord. May I get done what you desire for me to get done."
I don't want that prayer to ever just become lip service. Yet there are days when I want to "take my day back" and go my own way. There are days when it is a struggle to be God's woman and not my own woman. To be honest, there are days when I simply utterly fail. And so I am glad that while my strength was tested for this day and I did fail- God doesn't fail me and He never ever ceases to deliver that hope for tomorrow. Each new day is a new day to choose to serve the Lord and walk in His ways.
"You know my schedule, Lord. May I get done what you desire for me to get done." Too often I have become frazzled and heavy burdened with my idea of what should be checked off on the day's to-do list. God is in charge of my days- how I spend them and what I accomplish matters to Him. I don't want to waste what He has given me and I have found I have an incredible tendency to over do, over work and overwhelm myself. This came to a halt when I decided to add this to my morning prayer. Now, there are times I still fret about all that "needs" to be done but God has shown me how to become more realistic. I no longer feel defeated at the end of the day if my schedule and to-do list didn't get done the way I wanted or thought it needed to be done. Why? Because I've put God in charge of it- at the end of the day when I reflect and pray, I don't berate myself but thank God for helping me prioritize and for all He helped me accomplish.
I recently shared this with a couple of my teen-age girls from youth group and the one girl looked at my quizzically and said, "Does God speak to you? Does He say, 'Amy, this is what I want you to do today,' ?" I smiled and shook my head and told her that while He doesn't aubibly speak to me or hand me my to-do list, He is still in charge and I figure at the end of the day I have accomplished what He wanted me to do- because I asked Him to. Simply put- I am trusting God to help me. It is amazing the weight this has lifted from me and how God has been able to use me and my time so differently then I ever did before.
Yes there are still days when I don't like me and really wish I could just hole up. Days when the mad runs away with me. Yes, I still fail but God is gracious and continues to offer me hope with each new day.
Amen!
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