Home Sweet Simple Home

Corporate Worship- kids vs. no kids

Someone somewhere is sure to take offense at this, but I don’t like children’s church and I don’t care for the church nursery. Seems I’ve worded that a bit harshly but let me continue on.
I work with youth- in fact; I’m the youth pastor at my church. One of the hardest parts of my job is bridging the gap between the church as a whole and the youth. I find that children’s church harms this gap. Our children’s church up until last year (when I first complained broached the subject) went from preschool to 5^th grade and youth group started at 6^th grade. The 6^th graders had a very hard time transitioning. In fact, most of them continued to go to children’s church. When I spoke to a few of them about it- they said they were going “to help with the kids”. Yeah right. Others out and out stated that they found the service boring and didn’t want to be there. Sigh.
That makes my job a bit harder. One time, back when I was first starting out in youth ministry, I was asked why I didn’t hold a youth worship service during our “adult” morning worship service. WHAT???
It is my personal (and professional) opinion that the continued segregation of ages in worship has contributed to the lower number of young people (college age thru the 20s) attending church. We seem to be unable to keep young people attending church (and involved in the church- there is a difference between attendance and involvement) after they graduate.

Why? They’ve been separated for so long, had services and such tailored to them and “their needs” so long that they expect it to continue and when it doesn’t—they are immediately bored and uninterested. I am a youth pastor- I know how fickle young people can be and how difficult it is to hold their interest.

Seeing this trend, my church, while not totally doing away with children’s church (because not everyone believes like I do), has designated one Sunday a month for the children to stay in service. [Our children’s church also does not run the entire length of the worship service- the children are dismissed for children’s church right before the message- so they are there for at least the first half of the service.] The church has also changed the age cap for children’s church from 5^th grade to 4^th grade.

Personally, Mr. Steady and I thoroughly enjoy having our children in the service with us. We love to worship as a family. I love to see Maiden not only looking up the scripture passage in her bible but to then see her diligently taking notes from the sermon. I think it is extremely important for our children to see all ages worshiping together, but even more important to see their family worshiping together. Just this past Sunday, Mr. Conductor sat on his Grampy’s lap with his picture bible- contentedly flipping through the colorful pages as our pastor preached. [His favorite story so far is Jonah and the Whale]. Maiden has just recently mentioned that she would like to stay in the service with us now instead of going to children’s church [with the exception of missions Sundays- which are led once a month by a phenomenal family. Maiden has a heart for missions and doesn’t wish to miss these informative lessons].

We recently visited a wonderful church while on a weekend getaway. The only sad part was that our children seemed to be the only children (with the exception of small babies) in the service. All the other children were at children’s church, which ran the entire length of the service. The worship music was amazing and the pastor’s message was incredibly insightful. (Both Maiden and I were taking notes.) Afterwards, Maiden talked about how much she had enjoyed it and discussed the sermon with our friends (a retired pastor and his wife who attend that church) over lunch. If I had sent her off to the children’s church she would have missed it and I would have missed the joy I experienced from discussing it with her.
We must be careful not to underestimate our children’s capacity to understand. Granted, I do believe that a lot still goes over Maiden’s head (she is after all only 10) but we are teaching her diligent habits now- laying the foundation for a future of attentive worship. Sassafras and Mr. Conductor bring “church bags” to help keep them quiet and occupied during services but again, we are laying a foundation. They stand when we stand, sing when we sing, sit when we sit and close their eyes when we pray. We are teaching them. When Mr. Conductor sees us getting out our bibles, he gets out his bible.
Our children learn from our example. With that said, we must make sure to set a good example for them. We must be attentive and alert. My children are well aware of the people who fall asleep (and snore) during church. We mustn’t be writing our grocery list instead of taking sermon notes. Or reading our Sunday school papers instead of our bible. We must also take care in how we speak of our pastor, his sermons and other people in the church. Our children are listening. Recently, I remarked that my nephew was “being a crab” and Mr. Conductor promptly told him loudly (within earshot of his parents) exactly what I said. While I may have been right in my assessment (which I do believe I was), I should have kept that opinion to myself. I believe our children will grow to love church/corporate worship if we exhibit such love of it ourselves.
I have spent my entire life “going to church” and never once rebelled in all my years and said to my parents “I don’t want to go to church”. Why? First off- I’ve always known my parents wouldn’t have tolerated it- not going was never an option. It wasn’t as if I was an exceptional person or eager church go-er as a teen, but my parents laid out an example for me from an early age. [While I sometimes attended due to habit- it was a much better habit then not attending at all.] My father has always told me “You get out of it what you put into it.” If I go to church in a foul mood expecting to be unimpressed, I usually achieve that goal. If I prepare my heart for worship and go looking to be blessed- I usually achieve that goal also. My parents taught me that my frame of mind, preparing my mind and heart for worship, was necessary. It is a lesson I am blessed to have learned and blessed to be teaching to my own children.

Untitled Comment

3:17 PM, 2007-Jul-9 .. Posted by Mickey

I appreciate that we attend services where we can worship as a whole family. We have to drive an hour to get there, which is difficult some Sundays. But the hour in the car on the way back gives us some amazing discussions!

Untitled Comment

3:38 PM, 2007-Jul-9 .. Posted by Jonash2004

We attend church as a family - with our 16mo. He doesn't always make it through every service, but we feel that it is important that he is with us.

We drive 40 minutes to our church. :)

Ashley

Untitled Comment

5:06 PM, 2007-Jul-9 .. Posted by Lynne

Amy,
I did not grow attending church, although my husband did attend church most weeks and hated going.
After we were married, DH and I started attending a small church in our neighborhood. We really liked the minister. When our children were small, we took them with us to the service (as did some other people; others used the nursery).
Our problem came when our daughters were preschool age. At this church, everyone was expected to attend worship service, then Sunday School followed the hour after the service. Our daughters did not want to attend church because they were totally bored and most of all because it had no meaning to them.
My husband had grown up going to a church where the kids attended Sunday school while the adults went to church service. This is what he preferred.
The other problem we had with this church was that the one adult Sunday School class that was held during the kids' time was meaningless to DH and I. It was run by a couple who were well intended, but it basically was a one hour rant of their extreme right wing political views.
Attending church became a chore. We liked the minister's sermon, but that was about it. The kids didn't want to go to church at all. My husband talked to the (very part time) YP and asked him if the church had ever considered having some sort of activity during church service for the younger kids, and he was given a lecture on how kids who were not forced to attend church service do not attend church as adults. Case closed.
Well, this wasn't working for us. We were attending church less and less. There were other things that did not work for us in this church. The girls wanted to be in the childrens' choir, but it met at an inconvenient time on Weds. before dinner.
We visited other churches, and have been members of our church now for 5 years. At our church, the kids do attend the first part of the service, and then they are called up for a special message from the minister before being dismissed to Sunday School. These are kids 5th grade and under. There are special Sundays when there is no Sunday School and all kids attend the entire service. In fact, the kids run the service (with help from youth group) one Sunday per year.
My daughters really liked the church with the split service. They would talk about what they studied in Sunday School, and they made friends. We always knew what they were going to study because it was discussed in the childrens' message.
It is a big "honor" to graduate into the middle school Sunday School at our church because the kids are treated more like adults and are given lots of jobs and responsibilities at that age. The 5th graders can't wait to get into the middle school group. The kids this age are expected to sign up to assist in the nursery, "cafe", yard work, maintenance Saturday, etc. The youth group (middle and high) also totally plan and run two church services a year. At our Sunday evening casual service, youth are often called up to assist in giving Communion. The kids are expected to work hard and contribute.
So, I am not disagreeing with you, but I am saying that whatever your family does it needs to have spiritual meaning and growth to every family member. That can mean different things to different families.
I want a church that gives me an opportunity to grow in my faith, and a time to learn from and become friends with other Christians. I don't mean that everything has to be entertaining all the time, but more that it should be meaningful. It should be thought provoking. I often find myself during the week thinking about something I learned or heard about in church. So, I think that if the entire family attending church together meets your family's spiritual needs, then do it. I just know that experience did not work for us when the girls were younger.
Now (ages 12 and 14), we do sort of attend church together. I have to say "sort of" because the girls frequently have jobs to do during the service (acolyte service, bell choir, music ministry) and I am assigned to monitor the sound system one Sunday per month (this is due to your suggestion that I give of my time). So, often we are in the sanctuary at the same time but in different locations performing different jobs.
I am still struggling with DH who will not tithe. I did get him to agree to give more per week again this year, but it is not what I want to be giving. I continue to pray that his heart will change. He just seems to have so much fear about the future, the responsibility of raising kids to productive adulthood, and living in an atmosphere where we see those around us constantly enduring job layoffs. Each year I have gotten him to give more, and nothing really bad has happened to us.

Untitled Comment

7:22 AM, 2007-Jul-10 .. Posted by gokings13

www.visionforum.com

They have excellent teaching c/d's on this topic.

The role of children in the meeting of the church.
How modern churches are harming families.

I do not like children's church or youth groups. We do not participate in either.
Laura

Untitled Comment

9:28 AM, 2007-Jul-10 .. Posted by CatherineAnn

I agree with you, and I wish more people did so! Our church doesn't have children's church now- though that was the first thing the pastor hinted that he would like me to do after they called my dh as Director of Education- I politely declined ;) .
Blessings,
Catherine

Lynne-

10:30 AM, 2007-Jul-10 .. Posted by YPAmy5

You are right in needing to find a church that fits your family. It reminds me that I am a small country church person- I feel lost in the big (mega) churches and yet others feel the exact opposite. We all need to find churches (and more importantly- church families) that "fit" us. :o)
It is wonderful to hear you describe your family's church involvement. We are struggling with getting volunteers in our church right now- really struggling.
Thank you for sharing your family's story.
I do think it is harder to assimilate into the church when you haven't been brought up in it and such.
I urge you to continue praying about the tithing. God knows your heart and your desire to give more but also honor your husband. He is blessing you for it.
I want to add that I always enjoy getting your comments. Thanks so much for stopping by!
Amy W