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Locked and learning

I found the previous post to be way to raw and emotional to me and for now, have decided to lock it.
It was something I had to write for my ownself but found it was and continues to be way to raw to share.
Growing up- My mother's side was very into debating and arguing everything- truly arguing was considered a source of entertainment and while it would often get heated for awhile it would all blow over.
My father's side was quite the opposite. No one ever "rocked the boat"-- it was better to martyr yourself than to speak out against anyone or any thing in the family. The phrase "It's the elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about" describes that side quite well.
In my immediate family we, Mom and us kids,  tended to take to her side of the family and argue just for the sake of arguing. I could tell growing up that it made by Dad uncomfortable but that's the way we were. When I began dating my husband I tried to bait him into arguments but he never really "bit" and I'd just shrug and continue on. Until we got married . . . . this was a way a life for me and so often in our first year of marriage I would "argue just for the sake of arguing". Now looking back, I am more than ashamed of such rotten behavior. On one hand I knew better and on the other it was "life as I knew it". I know that some of the joy of that first year of marriage was lost because of my argumentative nature. I know that I was not right. I am still amazed at how my husband handled those situations and continued to love and care for me regardless. He was (and continues to be) a walking testimony to me.
I'm sorry to say that we were well into our 2nd year of marriage before God really "hit me upside the head" and I realized how incredibly wrong and sinful I was behaving. I'd like to say that upon that realization I stopped that awful cycle of behavior- but I didn't. It has literally taken me years to overcome these tendancies and I am still a work in progress.
I am reminded of a favorite quote of mine, "I am not what I ought to be; I am not what I wish to be; I am not what I hope to be; but by the grace of God I am what I am."-- John Newton who wrote Amazing Grace.
I am not what I once was and I know I am not all I wish or hope to be- I am not all that God would desire me to be but I work towards that goal.
In my current struggles- what I am really struggling with the most, deep down, is forgiveness. In one situation I have been hurt so utterly and so deeply that forgiveness continues to be a learning process for me. I want to forgive but am finding it immeasurably difficult. I work towards it.
Mr. Steady and I discussed this last nite after the I wrote post I locked this morning. We discussed that some of my unwillingness to forgive is because I feel I have every right to my feelings of hurt and betrayal. I feel vindicated in those feelings because I cannot be vindicated by the opposing party apologizing. I am also dealing with the pain of having harsh words and actions taken against my children and that, I have to say is the worst part of it. That is the part I have the hardest time with. I want to protect and stand up for them.
My husband is a wonderful quiet and steady man. He does not make ripples (thank the Lord because I make enough for both of us!) and he avoids conflict like the plague. He is the most amazing sounding board for me and I have learned much from him in our years together. I am hot-headed and hot-tempered and he and I are both amazed that I have been able to keep quiet and not "explode" in this situation. We also discussed that my anger won't stay in check much longer and that I have to find a healthier way to deal with it. We both feel God is not leading he or I to speak out in this matter. But I can not continue to let the hurt, the anger and the resentment ferment inside me.
I have to forgive in this- even if it is never resolved. I know this, but knowing and doing are two different things. This isn't easy for me. My husband and I are praying for me to do so and continue to talk about it at length. Yesterday was a very difficult day for me as I learned just how far the pain had taken me and how extremely close I am to resenting a family member that I deeply love. I have allowed other family members to drag me back into the mire again and again with their own hurts and complaints against this person. I am determined that I have sunk as low as I'm going to sink and I will continue to work myself out of the mire of stubborn unforgiveness. I am daily asking God to heal my heart in these situations I am constantly being bombarded with. I am not all that I wish or hope to be but each day I am better than I was.
I have, for the most part, decided to be very open on this blog with my struggles and how God uses them to mold and shape me. I have been open to sharing my own triumphs as well as my own ugliness. This is a process for me. I am not perfect. I do stumble and I do fall. I find through writing that God grows and stretches me as I puzzle something out in words and lines. I also find my writing helps me to heal and come to terms with some of the pain. Often, in writing it out I can walk away- it's like I've purged it.
But as I said in the beginning of this post- the previous entry was way, way too raw for me and I am just not at the point where I want to continue to bare that hurt here at this time. I wrote about someone who has hurt me and of some of the instances that have hurt and in the light of this morning it just seemed very unfair of me to do so.

Family

10:34 AM, 2007-May-1 .. Posted by Mickey

I'm so sorry to "hear" what you're going through. Family members can wound us like no others! When I have family (on my side) that offers their opinions on my kids, I prayerfully consider it through God's eyes and dismiss what's unneeded. But I draw the line at having those opinions voiced to my kids! If there's a problem with them, I politely let them know that it's my job- not theirs.

Thankfully, my wonderful husband reminds me that I absolutely can not strangle the family members!

For a smile: The difference between family and friends is that you get to pick your friends! =)

Untitled Comment

2:39 PM, 2007-May-1 .. Posted by gokings13

You are not alone.
I could have posted that post myself.........
Stay steeped in the Word. It's our only hope.
Laura

Forgiveness

5:36 PM, 2007-May-1 .. Posted by Lynne

I find it easier to forgive when I remember that it is not my place to judge the person, it is God's place to do that.
Please remember that your children are not being raised by a committee. Can you imagine how it would be if you had to call all the relatives and get their votes before handing out a punishment?
You have been given these children to raise in the way YOU see as best for them.
When my youngest daughter was just a few months old, my SIL told me that in THEIR family, the grandparents have input into how the children are raised, what schools to attend, etc. I just laughed and told her that if they wanted that control they could take us to court and try to have our parental rights taken away from us. Until then, my husband and I would be making all the decisions regarding our children.
So, I am guessing someone(s) in your family is not supportive, maybe even critical of parenting decisions you and your husband are making.
Too bad for them. It really doesn't matter what their opinion is. You are the parents, you have total control, and you will be responsible for how your kids turn out. If these someone(s) are punishing your children for your decisions (like by not attending their homeschool events, etc.) then they are the childish ones.