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Anonymous
Said:

Hi - I read both your Sunday and current posts and I have a question before I offer any comment. Have your children always acted this way or is this new since they have been spending time with their father?

Thanks and hang in there...
CAT

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Sheri aka kitchenmaid
Said:

Do not let your circumstances cause your eyes to stray from the Lord. He has not forsaken you; the circumstances are just different than they've ever been for you. Might I suggest you start each and every day in the Word WITH the children? Wake them up with a cheery 'Goodmorning; this is the day that the Lord hath made!'. Remind them of all the goodnesses of the Lord for protecting them and you through the night. When they finally sit down for breakfast, read a Psalm to them; do not ask them to sit too quietly or to not talk; just read aloud but quietly and calmly. Do not ask the children to help you out for one whole week; cheerfully tell them you are going to serve them for one week and let them take a break from extra chores. You can get back to them after that one week to work out some sort of agreeable schedule amongst you all.

I imagine, when they are with Dad, he doesn't have them do chores; he simply plays with them or talks to them or zones them out with the latest gadgets. Though you don't want to absolve them of all responsibilities, right now, ask yourself; is this a hill to die on? Can you handle the household tasks for one week without asking the kids to help you? If son's toys are out in the general part of the house, can you pile them nicely in a basket or box in his room so his younger siblings don't break them?

I know you don't agree with spanking and I can see from where you're coming, but I think some of the tension your darlings are experiencing is that Mom has changed everything about how she parents; does she still love us as much as when she and Dad lived together? I know you can't spank or smack now; but you certainly need to keep up the consistency with hugging, sending to a corner, or sitting in a naughty chair; your darlings need consistency from you.

Rely on the Lord. Be sure you are in His Word as often as possible. Commit your new business venture to Him too; we can do nothing without Him guiding us.

Your previous post was all praise for your children; be sure they know how much you value them. Tell them all the glowing reports you share here; they need to know you love them just the same in spite of this horrible mess you're dealing with with their dad.

And pray for their dad. He needs to be touched by the Lord so this nightmare can be over. Your children's safety depends on the Lord so be sure to pray their father has a good mood and lots of money the weekends he has the kids; he can buy their coats and shoes and undies when he has them!

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gabbie427
Said:

I am so sorry you feel this way Carrie. I would say part of it may possibly be the stress on the children with the bitter dad talking about mommy and mommy being stressed and worried about what daddy is saying to them and lawyers, court cases, etc. They don't know how to tell you, but they are in the middle here feeling like they are being pulled like a yo yo I am sure. It is not that you are pulling them one direction, but their father certainly is!

There have been many changes in their lives, from living at home with mommy and daddy to moving out into the shelter, and now on your own with the kids and being in public school. Their lives, even though this was a good move, has been turned upside down. And they feel like things are probably a little out of control and confusing. Bless their hearts. I wondered recently how they were doing and I wanted you to know you have been in my prayers alot lately.

I would make sure the kids knew that where you were in the situation, that you didn't "hate daddy", but you wanted you and the kids to be safe. Also, I would tell them you need them all to stick together as a family and love one another as God loves you and not treat your mother or siblings like this. Tell them that they need to come talk to you about things they are concerned with, or confused with. And make sure you are spending extra time with the kids letting them know this is NOT their fault, they have done nothing wrong, and that you love them very much. Maybe plan a family together time, liek a movie and popcorn in the living room together, or a picnic, etc. They need you more than ever now Carrie, and I know you feel the same towards them.

Keep your eyes on God and don't let these things discourage you hun!!! I know He is there with you and He is taking care of everything!

Bless you and your children. I know you are going though such a hard time. *hugs*

God's Blessings,
Amy Jo

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Anonymous
Said:

Dear, Dear Carrie
The children are acting the way all children...yes, even the 15 year old...act when their world is upside down. They want to feel secure, they want to have things return to "normal", but they can't use words or reason effectively. Make sure you keep the Lord and the Word before them; in your effort not to speak against their father, be careful not to imply that what he does is all right. Maybe you could have a Conference with the olders, asking for "help" with the situation.
Praying for you.

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Anonymous
Said:

Sounds to me like your children are going through what most children of divorce go through....They are torn between two parents so they are acting out. I hate to tell you this but it will probably get worse...Daddy will be able to give them anything they want, you won't. If I remember right, you have children by three different men? That means only the ones by this husband will be taking the children for visits? There's really nothing you can do about him spoiling the younger children but that doesn't mean you can't make them mind. (Sounds like they all need a swat on the bottom!) As for the older children...If they don't do their chores ground them. Even if that means taking them out of some school activities. Never forget, YOUR THE PARENT and if you don't act like it, your going to have one royal mess on your hands. "I've been There!!!!"

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Jen S.
Said:

Others have already said it. Everything about the kids' lives are turned upside down. Although it isn't right, its natural for them to pin one against the other - frustrating, but expected.

Here are some suggestions from someone who admittedly doesn't understand.

Before you go further, sit down with the kids, explain you understand that times are hard for them right now. Explain that we are STILL a family, and remind them that families work together. Then....

As for dishes and other chores - I would set up a rotating chart based on responsibilities their age could handle. It sounds like you have a few teenage girls - have them rotate (with you even) on doing the dishes. Break down every chore, or maybe even do the "jurisdiction" thing like the Duggars do. As a teen, I LOVED doing dishes, so if I could have just done that, I would have been happy. Only you know your kids. I'm sure nothing feels very fair right now, so if you could make chores fair, that might help them out a little bit.

As for bedtimes. I would put them to bed in stages. Littles first, big kids second. Couldn't your 15 year old stay up? Then split up those little guys - one in the 15 year olds room (you all can move him once he's sleeping). Don't give them an opportunity to have company with their bad behavior.

As for the spanking. I understand and agree with where you are coming from. Based on how your husband's acting, he certainly would use something like this, anything, against you. So, make the discipline something the kids really feel, but most importantly, BE CONSISTENT. Do you have TV or computer? If they disobey in any fashion, take it away for the evening or more. The littlest ones can sit in a corner. In the situation where your oldest says she would be gone anyway to the school function, tell her no she can't if she doesn't behave.

For very different reasons than yours, my son is in public school. I'm telling you that while it isn't easy, you won't be looked at as if you were abusing your kid for keeping them home for misbehavior. My son misbehaved on the playground one day, and the recess aide pulled him and the other kid and they had to sit and could not do recess that day.

I know the nogreaterjoy.org has an article on rodless training - maybe that would be worth reading for you.

One thing that started working for us was having a stay-up-as-late-as-you-can on Friday nights. It was a privilege and reward for being good. Our kids love it. But I tell you, often that is the first thing to be yanked if they are disobedient. They have a goal in sight to be good for every week. Often when I see them starting to misbehave, I give them a warning that if they continue to do or don't do what I asked, I WILL take that away. Maybe something along those lines would work great for you. Coincidentally the one time I had to take it away was because my boys weren't going to bed good one week. One week of not having their Friday night fun was all it took.

Another thing, that many teachers do in classrooms, is to reward for good behavior. This doesn't have to break your bank or anything. Have a jar, and put a marble (or rock, go for free here, don't spend anything), and often when they obey or do something kind, or whatnot, put the marble/rock in the jar. Every kid has a jar, and when their's is filled up, they get a treat. Maybe they get to pick the cookie you make. Maybe you can go to the dollar store, and they can pick any treat they'd like (with the dollar limit). I know this works great for many kids.

I hope my lengthy post with these ideas helps in some way.

((hugs))

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Tabaitha
Said:

Sister I think they are acting this way because of all you and them are going through with your Husband and their Father. I am in a hard marriage and we have split up before and my 5 children acted the same way.I think it is because they are just hurting so much inside and they are so confused.Their world has been turned upside down. I think you are being a loving Mother and doing exactly what I would do. I am so sorry you are having to go through this because the mean words from your children hurt worse than all you go through with the Husband. I know I don't have miracle answers but I think you should be honest with them.Let yourself be human instead of answering the "Mom" way. Let your sadness show and tell them how much it hurts you when they treat you this way and each other.Tell them how hard you are trying to re-establish your home and to be a family.Tell them how you know what a very hard time they are going through abnd that you are sorry and you love them.I think if you get on their level and relate to their feelings, maybe they will understand how much this is hurting you.I know their are not easy answers.
Love,tabaitha (Plain Sabbath Keeper)

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denise
Said:

this behavior sounds very typical and yes quite normal even under the most ideal circumstances, however, it is probaby exaserbated by the divorce or separation. family counceling may be a wonderful tool for your family. many places offer free counceling to low income families. inquire about it at your childrens school, or your domestic violence councelor. also check out any support groups, maybe your church elders can make some home visits and take your boys under their wing sort of say. get your kids involved in sports, clubs, gatherings, close to home and free of course. suround yourself with great woman and families that can step in and help. this kind of help may be best found at a church of course but, it is there.

my heart goes out to you and i wish you all the very best. i think your a better mom than you realize and stronger than you know.

god bless

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Anonymous
Said:

Dear Carrie,
Again, it's been a long time since we heard from you. How are things going? Did you ever have that mammogram? Is there anything you need that we could provide? I check your blog all the time...knowing how difficult this time is for you. I hope the Olders have settled down and are a help to you with the little ones.
I'm praying for you all.

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Anonymous
Said:

How are things????
Cheryl

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Tabaitha
Said:

I have a yahoo group that I feel might be the right place for you Check it out
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/VeiledSabbathKeepingHomeschoolers/
We are a group of women , homeschoolers, keeper at home, and most of our Husbands are not believers. If you feeel led, than just come, we will be there for you

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Sweetmama2
Said:

Hello and Merry Christmas. I have not hear from you in a while.
Peggy

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Sabine
Said:

Dear Carrie,

I don't know if there is a part of your heart that can still feel "merry" this Christmas, with all you are going through. But I just want to let you know that you and your children are thought of and prayed for today.

With love,

Sabine

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Anonymous
Said:

Dear Carrie, It's been a long time since you posted, making us wonder what is happening. Perhaps you are just "walking in sand", dealing with on-going problems. Regardless, please, if you still read here, know that you are in our thoughts and prayers.

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sweetie
Said:

Hello Carrie,
So much of what you are going through is indeed the children's need for acting out what they are torn between. I have had the cell phone wars as well in our home, we did take the phones and allow them at a specific time daily for dad and grandparents only. We let the dad know, so he knew between 8 and 9 thy could call and between 6:30 and 7:30 am. a wakeup and slowdown time for their days. Contact, but not control. If the children are at home they can use our home phone ina public room. at other times.

We found that during a recent custody battle, diet made a difference too. Making sure that food was not high carb or sugar laden. Keeping them exercising to burn off the stress.

The judge will always see through the nasty allegations of your ex. Do not let fear overtake. Its easier if you keep them in church and civic activities a little so other adults see you with them regularly if need be for future courts. We still have to keep a spiral "journal" of all the junk he throws at us with quick specific entries of things like "Told son that hte only way to warm up on a cold day was to love on a hot babe" in an email to the 14 year old. and then print screened out the email. awful, but necessary to show his true colors.
God is a God of peace. Ask for it, believe He will give it to you. Right now more than anything, you need to be able to find God for comfort, which is so hard to do after an abusive relationship. The olders sound as though resentment is strong right now, what do they resent? We had to talk with our son about his, and it turned out it was something we had no idea of....and resolved pretty quickly after that.
Teenagers do rebel, it is their age, but it does not need to be tolerated. When things become too much to take care of, we remove the responsibilities until they have a grip again (e.g. time with friends, Wii time, time on the phone, additional clothes if they can't keep them hung and put away,) Children believe they are entitled, and they do not need to be. We also focus on doing things to "get away" A time for fun at the park, whether anyone feels like it or not. A time for a board game, even if the kitchen is a mess, these times are the only ones they have at this age, so we hae to set aside strife sometimes and just love on them.
hugs and prayers
S

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