I found the following entry on my computer journal from a week ago, and wished to share it. Some of the feelings are still similar to what I am experiencing, today:

Everything is gone.

He’s taken everything from me.

My freedom, my sense of identity, my church, my pets, the last of what I had of my grandmothers, my self respect, everything.

I feel as though I am questioning everything, lately.

I am beginning to think it was wrong to be as submissive and subservient as I was to my husband. Why wear a head covering?

Why should I bother dressing like I do if my church has cut us out and will not help us despite our beseeching? Why look like them if we’ve been rejected by them?

There are lots of other dresses I would like to wear.

Why should I hold to any of the past values that I once felt so strongly about?

I desire the closeness I once felt with the Lord. He feels so very, very far away from me right now and I wish I had more time to spend drinking in the Word.

I think part of the reason I am having such a difficult time, spiritually, is due to the frustrations that I am experiencing with the little ones.

Four of them are so stubborn and difficult!

Night times are the absolute worst.

If only they would stay in bed! I could have some time to think!

I should not have to sit, babysitting, for all these hours, making sure they don’t get up and run up and down halls!

There must be something very wrong with my parenting if that is the case. What am I doing wrong?

I have found that these questioning times are very frequent and varied.

Some days I feel like ditching the cape dress and covering all together. Other times, I am sure it is right to continue on with my outside appearance as always.

Regarding my parenting… I am learning to parent in a very different way, and it is both gratifying and challenging.

I used to follow after my husband in an attempt to keep him happy. It was considered very, very wrong to have any different views, opinions or thoughts from those he held.

He would “punish” me if I spoke my mind or disagreed, ever.

Now, I have freedom to think. To hold my own values and beliefs.

I no longer feel spanking is right in most cases. I have stopped using this method of discipline since coming here. And the children are behaving better.

In addition, because the stress I used to experience when the little ones would misbehave or grow too noisy is gone… I do not grow as angry or frustrated with them. Where, before, I used to DEMAND that they stop NOW out of fear of my husband’s reaction… now a tantrum doesn’t do anything to me!

If the three-year-old wishes to toss himself on the floor in a heap of screams, for example, who cares!? He wants attention. He wants a riled response. Believe me, he used to get one.

Now?

He’s ignored. He hates it.

And the tantrums are much fewer.

I’m learning all kinds of fun ways to respond to the children.

Bedtimes are still the worst battle. Night used to be the ONE time I had to relax and think. To take a bath, go for a walk, or write a letter.

We’re still working on it, but tuck-in time is also improving. I think the children are doing very well.

And so am I.

It is interesting to see how, as the days pass, some questions and difficulties stay the same… and some improve dramatically.

It is also interesting to me to reflect on then and now.

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gabbie427
Said:

I can't believe the church you once attended has now turned their backs on you!!! I can't imagine how you feel leaving all your belongings and memories of your past of heirlooms behind. But I can say, no matter what you left behind, it isn't worth your life!! You still have your life, and so do your children. In some ways you feel imprisoned at the Shelter, but as you said, now you have the freedom to think what you want to and have your own opinion!! This in and of itself is priceless.

You follow your own convictions on the way you dress. If you pray about it and still feel this is what God would have you do, then continue. But if the only reason you did it was because your husband wanted you to, and you are not with him now, then rethink it and pray about it.

The children are still adjusting to a new place, a difference in authority and discipline, and they will quickly fall into order with the new routine and such soon. It may take the little ones a little longer, but it sounds like you are doing a good job, especially with letting the little one scream and ignoring him. If he isn't getting the attention he wants, he will stop!

I am praying for you and the children Carrie. And it may be difficult for you to do so at this time, but I will be praying for your husband as well. It sounds like he needs it! I will pray that God does a mighty work within him, and that God speaks to his heart!!!!

God's Blessings,
Amy Jo

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Jen S.
Said:

Still praying for you and your children. What a tremendously difficult time. Your children are going through some difficult changes too and I'm sure they're reacting because of it. I think it is imperative right now anyway not to spank - children still can be disciplined in many, many ways without spanking. I imagine your parenting is under a microscope right now, and you don't want that.

But enough of that, just know many are praying for you.

Jen S.

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Anonymous
Said:

Hmmmmmmm
Your outside appearance has nothing to do with your Walk with Him. I have seen men who have pierced ears, tons of tattoos and big long beards that know the Lord Jesus Christ Personally.....and serve Him....and have HIS Heart. And compared with Mr + Mrs. Clean dressers, who's hearts are full of hatred, and minds are warped with self-pride..........I'll take the scary looking dude all day.

"churches and religions" both have the same problem.
They are FULL of humans.......sinful, humans.
"religions and religious" people have THEIR rules. You know like the Pharisees had rules........God's Laws were not enough, oh no.........they thought God "missed a thing or two" so they added their own.
Funny..........it was the 'religious' ones that Jesus rebuked.

We, those who are called by His Name, cannot NOT rely on a body of humans to meet our needs. We have to totally rely on Christ, and HE will guide us where we need to be.
Once you begin 'expecting' people to act a certain way......you will ALWAYS be disappointed. Always.

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seventhheaven
Said:

I also agree that the way you dress ( aside from being modest and covered ) is a heart matter. I came from a church that believed in only wearing dresses and let me tell you Im not a dress person. I feel so comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt. Since breaking away from that I feel so much freedom in serving Christ. I always believe any thing you do in the name of doing it for Christ should be done joyfully and because you want to, not because it is a man made law.

I am praying for you, and somewhat know what you are going through. My husband is wonderful, but I grew up with an abusive father. I still today have to work on my mindset about some of the things my childhood brought. You are doing the best thing for your children. My mom never had such courage. And even thot we still have a relationship I dont feel quite as close to her because regardless what was done she stayed. Your children will indeed rise up and call you blessed. And I think with so much abuse your children have recieved you are doing the right thing in the way you are disciplining them. Right now they just need to feel your love and security. I will continue to pray for you.

Edited by seventhheaven on Friday, July 25, 2008 at 08:24

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Anonymous
Said:

I am still praying and thinking about you!!! It is so hard for someone coming from abuse to spank. I hate spanking..I hate the fear I see in my childrens eyes and the desperation.. it brings back so many horrible memories. I do it because I learned that that is what the bible says what we are supposed to do. I also do it because I don't want to be looked down upon in the christian circle. I remember getting spanked as a child and I remember the thoughts that went through my head PURE anger and hate..nothing else. I never thought o.k. I want to behave better or be more respectful..nope I always thought .."I am going to show them".
Sorry for rambling it is just when you said that about spanking it hit such a nerve.

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Anonymous
Said:

oops..again. that was me above

Amity

www.keepigourheartssthome.blogspot.com

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Candy
Said:

I am the queen of ignoring... When I was growing up, we had a cute dog, that would beg at the dinner table. He never got a crumb from me, because I had no problem ignoring his cute little puppy face, so he stopped begging off of me, and left me alone.

However, both of my parents always gave in, and that dog would bother the heck out of them.

My little ones very rarely throw tantrums, and I think because when they did try it, it got them nowhere. I just stepped over them, and continued on my way. If they got too noisy, then I may pick them up and put them in a different room, but that was about it.

I'd continue on as if nothing was happening, so they stopped the tantrum game pretty quickly. :-)

Good job ignoring it - like you said, its an attempt for attention, but it's also the child's trying to punish YOU, but displaying their anger in such colored ways.

-Candy
http://www.keepingthehome.com

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