I am SICK of feeling like this.

I have eight children. I've been parenting for eighteen years and I can STILL not get it right! I'm an absolute failure!

Maybe you can help? These things KEEP happening here at the house, leaving me at a loss. I feel totally overwhelmed by what these children are throwing on me (thanks to Daddy) and I don't know how to deal with it!

Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.

Let's take today, for example, since it's still fresh in my mind.

During supper, the children were being nasty to one another:

"Shut up, Scarlet. You don't know what you're talking about."

"Well neither do you, stupid."

Me, calmly: No, that is not how we talk to each other in this house. Be kind. If you continue to speak like that, you will have to leave the table.

"Leave me alone" says one.

The nose (literally) shoots up in the air and arms cross over the chest by another.

I am completely ignored by still another and another sibling-bashing-statement is uttered.

Me, still calm: Alright, I'm sorry, leave the table. You're done.

Child: "No! He's being an idiot!"

Child 2: "YOU are!"

Child 1: "SHUT UP!"

I physically pick up the six year old and put him in the livingroom chair a few feet away, He struggles and I embrace him and softly tell him that we need to be nice to each other. He can go back to the table and try again in a little bit.

"Let me go! Leave me alone, idiot!"

Me, firmly: "No, you cannot talk to me like that. That is wholly unacceptable. It hurts others when you call them names. We do not do that to others."

"Who cares!"

Meanwhile the other two are still at the table throwing "word stabs" at one another. I scold patiently, and the seven year old throws another, anyway.

"Alright, that's it for you, too. Leave the table. You have five minutes."

"NO!"

I hug the six year old and tell him he can try again at the table, but do not talk mean, again. Be nice. He jerks his arms back and forth and scrambles away from me like I'm just this rotten little pest.

Then, I go to the seven year old, take her hand and lead her from the table. She pops her nose in the air, and swings her body away from me, suddenly, trying to go back to her spot at the table.

I'm getting impatient.

I take her hand again, and she growls, "ARGHHH!" and yells, "Leave me alone! You're always yelling at me! Why do you do that all the time! I'm so SICK of it!"

Now, I have NOT YELLED ONCE!

Totally FED UP, now, I DO raise my voice: "That's IT. You're THROUGH with supper. I'm sorry. You're done."

She puts her nose higher up in the air than ever, and saunters casually over to the livingroom rocking chair, putting herself in front of the television as though she hasn't a care.

Meanwhile, two of the children are still at the table finding fault with one another, calling one another names.

I leave the room weary, frustrated and totally ANGRY inside.

What SHOULD I have done?

I will NOT spank. I cannot. Even if I believed in it, I couldn't do it with the situation as it is with my husband using EVERYTHING possible against me to continue his abuse.



How about this:

The fifteen year old was supposed to do dishes this morning before leaving for school. She was all dressed and ready to meet the bus.

However, she told me she was sick and tired of me expecting her to do things around the house, why don't I have her "lazy sister" do it instead since she doesn't have a job or school or anything anyway.

"We all live here and are to work together to make this family work."

"I didn't even mess up half those dishes."

"It doesn't matter. I pick up things every day that I didn't mess up. It's just part of loving another person. We help one another, here."

She rolls her eyes.

"I'm sick of this!"

"I'm not asking that much of you," I told her, beginning to lose my patience. "Help here just a few minutes. It won't kill you, I promise."

"Don't worry," she retorts, "I have rehearsal tonight after school so you won't have to see my lazy face for the rest of the day. "

She scrunches her face up disgustedly. "I'm not putting up with this any more. Do your own dishes. I'm out of here."

From there, she went to her room and sat on her bed. When I found her there ten minutes later, I said, "So this is where you're hiding."

"Just get out of here. Leave me alone."



Or the twelve year old. He refuses to pick up after himself and expects me to catch when the little ones get at his things.

Well, newsflash. Sometimes I don't notice they have HIS things, as they're taking them off the floor, or the toy bin!

His things are his responsibility. If they're special, pick them up!

Today, the three year old got at his special binoculars that his grandpa just gave him a week or two ago and broke them. When he went to his room, apparently the three year old had also broke something else of his.

This caused him to say wretched things to me and to him, accusing me, accusing him...

As if this weren't enough, he swings at anyone in his path like he's going to punch them, he kicks his feet out like he's about to kick them and sometimes throws things.

I CANNOT stop this!

It's completely unacceptable!



Or how about bedtimes? I've tried EVERYTHING!

Last night, the six and seven year olds were in bed, but SCREAMING their ABCs in unison while the 15 year old attempted to go to bed, herself.

Add to this a baby who's just fallen asleep a few yards away, and two boys I'm trying to get down for the night.

I turn on their bedroom light to get their attention. "Shhh, it's time to go to sleep now, and relax. Sing those great ABCs in the morning, okay? Your siblings are trying to sleep."

The seven year old YELLS at me, "You never let us do ANYTHING! I'm GOING to sing my ABCs!"

"No. It is bedtime. You are going to be quiet."

"No! And you can't make me!"




Finally, this is a biggie:

Hitting and throwing things at me. The three year old seems to really enjoy doing this and laughing about it, too. When he doesn't get his way or is otherwise upset, he will literally grab something and throw it at me (or the others). When you tell him no, sternly, and hold his hand firmly, he just rips away and grabs the next nearest thing to throw at you, laughing.

He will not stay put in time out, and when held firmly to restrain him (like in an embrace, to talk to him... Like I'll get down to his level and give him a hug to restrain him from grabbing anything else and tell him, "No, we do not hurt others") he CLAWS as hard as he can on my wrists or neck and watches his hands doing it, grinning.

Sometimes I have to physically hold his hands and everything (because he'll begin kicking even after just a moment) and he SCREAMS in protest.

I haven't been able to stop this one at all...




I am totally powerless, here.

Well, not really, but that is how it FEELS.

It is extremely humbling putting this stuff up here because I don't like asking for help. Particularly with something I should know by now.

I do not want to make any more mistakes. I want to be a good mother. But sometimes, it seems every move I make is the wrong one with these kids.

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Since I last wrote, I've "battled" on many fronts.

With my husband... I was served with legal papers by a local sheriff. Apparently, my husband thought to take me to small claims court. He was suing me for $5,000 for money he said I spent without permission. He also stated on the papers that I sold stuff of his.

I never spent such an exorbitant amount. Nor did I sell his belongings, ever.

Silly, silly, silly.

At first, I was not completely surprised. My husband has taken to using the courts (and the children) to continue his abuse of me now that I'm not underneath his roof. But, after a day or two, I started to feel entirely annoyed.

Thankfully, my attorney took my place at the hearing and saved me six hours of travel-time and a whole lot of emotional stress.

The case was dismissed, and my attorney said that such allegations would be addressed in our upcoming trial.

I can't believe I'm enduring a trial.

A trial!

Why is it that I am on trial for leaving a horrific home and a life of fear!?

In the meantime, the children have continued to excel at school. All of them have high grades and soaring spirits.

The twelve-year-old brought home a wooden CD case that he made in "Tech Ed". Tons of neat artwork and fantastic worksheets have been shared. My fifteen-year-old brings home math work that I find impossible to comprehend, but she is faring quite splendidly! She even has a "performance" through choir coming up this next week that I hope to attend!

With five of the eight children away to school each day, one would think I'd have more time to rest and relax. Right?

Wrong!

It seems I'm busier than ever. Not only have I begun sewing, again, and selling on Ebay, I've also been working at putting up an "adjoining" website called Hearts at Home Shoppe. I still have a ton of things to do on it, as I need the peace to do html and formulate a unique template. It's fun, but time-consuming.

This past week, I have gotten the template's "skeleton" completed. Now I am working on the listings and suchlike.

I've found that my "best sellers" are things that I no longer utilize full-time: cloth sanitary napkins, cloth diapers and head coverings. So that is where my focus has been. I spend most of my "work time" sewing up orders and readying them for mailing.

I also have begun free-lancing, again.

When my three oldest were small, and I was a single mother, I supported my little family through my writing endeavors. Now, I am attempting to get "back into the groove" of the business of words. What makes it challenging is the fact that I no longer have a folder of tear sheets. My husband destroyed most of my past published work, and what remained is now in his possession.

Once again, I am starting from scratch.

My husband, as I mentioned earlier, has not only been using the legal system to try and "get at" me, he's also busy using the children. Instead of making it easier on them, he speaks of me in wretched ways, telling them how terrible I am, that they must not listen to me, and that I am abusing them. He tells them many lies and this has come out gradually without my "pumping" the children for information. This situation is not their fault, and I do not want them to feel "caught in the middle".

The simple fact is that the kids love me as well as their Daddy. They need both of us, too. Why make it harder on them!?

Last visit, the six and seven year olds came back with cell phones and digital cameras. The batteries soon died out on the camera, and the ones that I had here at the house were not strong enough to power the thing back up. So that was only a source of friction, occasionally.

However, that blasted cellphone has caused such a terrible "rift" between my daughter and I. She thought that she could utilize the phone whenever she wanted and however she desired. How angry she got with me when I told her, no. You can use it, but only for an hour a day, after supper.

"You're mean! You take everything away from me! Dad's right, you're abusive! That's my phone, you can't have it!"

When they left for their third visit with Daddy this last Friday, I told the seven-year-old that she could take it with her, but to leave it at Daddy's house. I told her that I didn't like how the phone was hurting our relationship and that I loved her too much for us to be mad at each other. I said she could play with it as much as she wanted when she was with her father.

She was very angry with me and would not speak with me for a while. But I seriously do not think that the phone is in the children's best interest. They are very young, and they have contact with their father three times a week as well as full weekend visits bi-weekly. I am not trying to cut him out of their lives. I am only trying to salvage my own relationship with them.

It is hard when my son treats me angrily and hatefully. I would like to seriously put up a post, sometime soon, detailing an incident or three from our recent past. These are situations that hit me continuously throughout the week and leave me feeling absolutely powerless.

Instead of being able to respond, parentally, as I feel I should... my husband is always "standing over my shoulder", having been busy "working" on the children. If I respond this way or that, the kids tell me, "See! Dad is right about the things he says to us about you!"

I also have terrible fears of my husband that continue on. Everything that I do has the potential of being used by him and twisted.

When the children left for their visit this last time, two of the kids had injuries. These surely are "normal" childhood boo-boos. However, I know for fact that he will have taken photographs of the children's owies to prove that I am incapable of caring for them.

The three-year-old, for example, has a bruise underneath his eye and down his cheek from having hit the corner of a cabinet while playing. To make matters worse, the first time the children came back from a visit, they brought back with them a plastic toy sword. The six-year-old used this on the three-year-old one afternoon while I was vacuuming. Hello forehead welt and bruise on the back!

The night before the children's visit, this weekend, Rebekah fell backward off a single bed she crawled up onto while I was putting laundry away. When she toppled, she hit the end table in the bedroom and cut her right eyelid where there is a crease. The day of the exchange, she woke up looking like she had a black eye!

It won't matter that I took the baby to the doctor. He will still say, "See, she's incapable of keeping a proper eye on these children!"

Or worse... perhaps he'll try to blame me, personally, for these injuries. After all, at our last hearing, he told the court that I hit the children with boards!

Every ouch that the kids experience, I worry over how my husband will use it against me. Every thing I say or do while they're at home with me I know will eventually get back to him. It is pure agony.

Well, I have only a couple hours before I am due to go pick the children up from the safe exchange center. I wanted to get some writing in, yet.

Thanks again for your love, care and prayers.

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I just got on the blog and read all your lovely comments. How blessed I am to have such intercessory friendships in Christ! THANK YOU!

It has been a crazy couple of weeks, and time online has been mighty limited.

Everything is alright, and I wish to give a better update than I can do, presently. I promise to return sometime this weekend and write a proper entry.

There were also several comments left that I desired to respond to.

Thank you again. And I thank God for all of you!

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I do not know what to do...

I cannot sleep, I feel inner panic, my stomach is turning in fear. This has to stop!

I left my husband... but he's still able to control me! Just look at me! Look at what his behavior has done to me!

It's as though no matter how far away I get from him, I will never truly be FREE! What he did to us all in the home, he's still trying to do!

What is he doing with those children!?  Are they alright?!

He told me if I ever left I would never see them again.

I actually believe he may not be bringing them back.

I have seen the things that he is capable of. I have lived it with him. I have watched it from the "windows" of the shelter. I have experienced it through hours upon hours of court hearings.

He has a tantrum and throws everything around a room. Then... photos are later taken to show how I cannot keep house.

He beats the children with things... then brings a back scratcher in to court to use as evidence of something I used to use on the children!

I do not tie children up! I am not crazy! I am not suicidal! I am not the person they painted me to be in court!

I just know he is using the children against me, somehow. Whatever he does with them on this three day visit is going to somehow hurt our future stability and peace.

In a normal situation, I would be able to enjoy the peace and quiet of having five less children... 7 and under... around home.

But, instead, I know the truth of my husband's cruel capabilities and mean intent! He'll stop at nothing to continue hurting me. I made him furious leaving him... and taking "his property" only adds to his anger.

I realize I sound paranoid and  absolutely nuts. But I know him.

I've learned that his threats are followed through.

He'll stop at nothing.

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Court is over for now.

On Tuesday, we went in front of our new judge. My aunt and a domestic violence worker went with me. Took me.

His attorney seemed odd. Things seemed to be moving in our favor. But, as usual, they dragged on and on.

The child services social worker was interviewed telephonically after being sworn in, under oath. She provided testimony. I was called as a "witness" - by Steve's attorney.

It ran on longer than expected, again, and was rescheduled to reconvene the following day. Yesterday.

My aunt was unable to take me, so the domestic violence worker took me, yesterday. She was my support. The only person in the courtroom, besides my attorney, "on my side". As always, my husband had people lined up to testify on his behalf. And he had a gigantic box of "proof" against me sitting beside him. There was so much stuff in there, they had trouble finding what they wanted when they wanted it.

My mother in law got up on the stand and lied through her teeth about me. It really hurt. She said they had to post those flyers and come after me, while I was in hiding, because she didn't think her grandchildren would again be seen alive. She said she thought I might drown them in the bathtub!

She said I never participated when at family gatherings (his family, mind you) and that my husband did all the filling of plates and caretaking of the children. That I was obsessed with the babies when they were tiny and was overly obsessed with breastfeeding, refusing formula even when they were losing weight!

They had photographs of the house, all in shambles. They said I couldn't keep house and it was always a disaster. I HAD to have it clean or my husband would become furious with me! The children and I raced around cleaning, cleaning, cleaning before we left to visit my aunt (the last time we were home), so that it would not further anger my husband!

The only thing I can think of, is that he was irate and had a tantrum and threw stuff around the house after we left. Then, my mother in law took pictures.

He had pictures his mom had taken, also, of strings of yarn tied to the little ones' beds (the 7, 6 and 3 year old's).  I had to testify that it was not "straps" as they were saying, to tie the children to their beds at night, but something that was used by the little ones for "leashes" for their stuffed animals. The 7 year old did it on her own, then the other two had asked to do it, too. So I had cut off some string for them, also.

They testified that "tomato staking" children meant that I tied them up!

They said that I was against getting medical care for the children, that's why we didn't have insurance. That I was so obsessed with Mennonites and that "religion" that I insisted on having no medical coverage. The truth was that my husband despised doctors, refused to take us, and said the insurance at his job was too much money to be worth it.

He had photocopied all of my diaries and the oldest girls' diaries to be used in court. The guardian ad litem insisted that the girls' be disregarded, but mine was used. They pointed out certain entries and made me read them aloud. Entries I made, venting, about how sad I was. They said this proved how unstable I was.

My husband wanted to play tapes of phone conversations that he'd recorded. I'd been correct. He'd tapped the phone the last while we were back home. He was trying to prove that I'd "set him up"!

Oh, I could go on! And on and on...!

In the end, the guardian ad litem recommended nothing of the previous temporary order be changed. She still felt it was best to leave the children with me and give my husband supervised placements. But the judge disagreed and "slapped" my  husband's and my hands saying we needed to get along for the children's sake and he scolded my husband for using the belt on the children, but didn't address all the welts, handprints, and bleeding he induced.

My husband has unsupervised visitation rights with the children bi-weekly, on weekends. This weekend, in fact, he is to pick up all five of the youngest children Friday and will have them through to Sunday night.

I am feeling very concerned and very defeated. I am worried about the children's safety and wellbeing. The one year old has never even been away from me, before, more than a couple hours. How will she fare?

Last night, on the children's phone visit with their father, he told them that public school was horrid, and my seven year old hung up telling me that. Up until that phone call she'd been telling me how great it was.

I am afraid my husband and mother in law will tell the children to say that I tied them up and hit them with boards, like they testified to in court, and later use them against me. I am afraid of many things that they could do! And I do not feel that my fears are unfounded.

Domestic abuse is something that very few people are educated on. And unfortunately, the court process forces the woman to get up on the stand and justify herself for the abuse she endured!

Getting away from the violence is only the beginning.

It is NOT the end.

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Court.

It's staring me in the face, again.

The day after tomorrow, I'll have another three hour trip to meet my husband before judges and attorneys.

There is a constant knot in my stomach and "butterflies" that will not leave me be. I feel sick most of the time, and am nervous and tense. I cannot sleep when bedtime hours hush the house, and when daylight filters through the slats of my bedroom blinds, I'm not rested enough to greet the new day.

I cannot stop wondering what my husband is brewing against me. What will he put me through this time? Who will be in court to testify for him? How will he attempt to paint me this time? Will they take the restraining order away from me? Will they change their decision regarding custody? Will everyone see my husband for who he is? Or will they fall for his song and dance?

He cries when he thinks it will benefit him.

He cries.

That's how he got me to take him back every time.

He fooled me, and he's always fooling others.

You think that he means to change, but change never happens.

His tears might convince the court.

In the meantime, money has weighed heavily on me. I must get a job. But the town is so small, there are no opportunities.

There was a "help wanted" sign up at a nearby family restaurant. But the man never called me back. Should I feel relief? Acceptance? -- Or fear? If even a waitress job can't be had by me, then what?!

I've gone back to sewing and listing on Ebay, this past week. I'm praying, praying, praying I can make enough to support us, even a little. Just for a time, at least.

I invested in some notions, a cheap sewing machine from Walmart, and some material. I got some poly bags for shipping to save money in the long term.

I sold well, before.

I must sell well, again.

The children need me. I'll keep you updated on court, this Tuesday the 30th...

Pray for us.

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As I suspected might happen, I received new legal papers notifying me of a re-trial date. My husband did not agree with the restraining order, temporary custody order or requirement to pay child support. He's fighting a loss of control, and he won't give up easily.

I am dreading it all. The entire re-hashing... Think of me... and do pray... the 30th, 9am.

Tomorrow, I am determined to go to the DMV and get the written portion of the drivers' test done. Maybe my oldest can go, too. It depends on what the cost is...

I've also been busy getting birth certificates, and social security numbers/cards for the children. We've been busy coming and going to Public Health to get children vaccinated, too.

The four-year-old excitedly began the k-4 class, this afternoon. She loved it! They will meet for three hours four days per week. I think this will be exceptionally good for her! She has problems with verbalization and I'm also hoping this will aid in "drawing her out". The teacher told me that she didn't talk at all until she needed seconds of lunch. I wasn't surprised!

The other four children are doing really, really well at school as well. I love when we're all sitting for supper at the table, and they banter about their day. The interjecting and sharing and laughing is contagious!

My concerns about the olders not "fitting in" or feeling "alien" in the school system after being homeschooled their entire lives was unfounded. The fifteen-year-old had no problem making lots of friends, covering and all!

I feel like I'm making headway. Things are beginning to "pull together" more, and steps toward goals are slowly being achieved.

I learned, today, that there may be schooling right in town for nursing. I was an assistant years ago. Too many years have passed, however, since I last worked for me to be "grandfathered" back in. So I will have to be re-trained for the certification. However, I had thought the only route possible would be an hour away, at the nearest technical college. What a blessing it would be if this were not the only option!

I saw a family-style restaurant's sign that read, "Help Wanted" as I made my way to the grocery by foot, this afternoon. I almost went in for an application. The need for some sort of an income - any amount - is beginning to press in on me.

Well, it is time to go scrub-a-dub the rest of the children. The olders are done and it's time to bubble up the little ones.

Love your families, everyone. And may God richly bless you.

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I received word, today, that my husband has filed for a re-trial. He is contesting the protection order/injunction as well as the court''s ruling on custody.

We're due back in court, soon, to re-hash it all over again.

I don't feel strong enough to go through all that again. I was thinking we were through and I could finally rest for a while...

"You are getting rest," countered my attorney. "There is no hearing date set for any time this week. So that's a little rest. It's some time out of court. No one said leaving would be easy. This is just the beginning."

I'm just very dejected.

This past weekend was difficult at best. The children were out of sorts and I was exhausted from lack of sleep. This place is nice, but doesn't feel like *home*, yet.

Monday, one of the crises workers took me to the junior high to register the twelve-year-old. While filling out the "free or reduced lunch rate" worksheet, she instructed me to check the box, "homeless". That about killed me.

Homeless?

But I have a home, now!.

We were homeless in shelter... but I have an address, now!

I didn't mark that box.

Trying to get everywhere by foot is challenging. But, I'm making it. We're in a good spot, so I'm able to hit the things I need.

As of today, the twelve-year-old has experienced his first day at school. And the other three are registered and headed for the bus, tomorrow morning.

We also visited the public health nurse for immunizations.

Tomorrow, should prove to be just as busy. My aunt is coming with some things, and I have a mammogram to check the lump in my breast.

What we are wearing... I'm beginning to wear my veiling less. Much less.

I'm wearing skirts and tops.

I'm experimenting.

I do not feel I have an "identity" with the Mennonite church any longer. I feel rather lost, and it's hard to articulate. We've been living "plain" for so long, that I am presently very confused. It is fun to wear other things and think about fixing my hair. But at the same time, I actually feel wicked.

WORLDLY, we'll call it.

Positively worldly.

There is a Lutheran church (Missouri synod) just down the street from us. Perhaps we can attend there. I grew up Lutheran, and went to LMS after I was saved. I'm sure we can be "fed" there...

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I write you from the living room of our new home.

The shelter had a program entitled, "Transitional Living", and this is how we were able to start out on our own.

Transitional Living Units are homes that are set up for women attempting to leave domestic abuse situations. Knowing that we often leave with little more than the clothes on our backs, they are furnished with both furniture and other necessities.

Our house is a duplex, and is just lovely!

What a change to wake up and know that this is home!

The little children wanted to know how long we would be staying here before we had to go someplace else. It felt good to tell them, we weren't going to be going anyplace else for a very long time.

"We'll even be here for Christmas?", asked one of them.

"Even for Christmas!"

"What about my birthday? Will we have my birthday here?"

"Yes, even your next birthday."

Home.

It was hard leaving the shelter in a way. It's hard to explain. While one couldn't exactly call the crisis counselors friends (we only knew they superficially), they were familiar, friendly faces that got us through a lot of challenging, frightening situations. They were the ones who encouraged me when I felt like giving up. They saw me at my worst as well as at my best.

Saying goodbye was both happy and sad. We were all excited to be able to venture out of the shelter on our own, yet we knew this was the last time we would see most of those faces.

Our home is a "split level", I guess. I've never seen a house set up quite like this. It's neat!

The girls' room looks a bit like a "dormitory" with four beds... but it's roomy and cute! The boys' room is all boy, and terrific, also. I took the smallest room, as it only had to fit the baby and I. This is the first time she ever had a crib to sleep in.

Before we came, I was asked if there was anything specific I would want or need. I said a rocking chair. It was the only way the youngest knew how to relax and go to sleep. The one they set in here ... does not rock. At all.

We've had two tough nights, but last night was a breeze! The baby fell right to sleep and has stayed asleep through the night. She's still asleep now, at 7am!

I made contact with the Mennonite school here in the area and was dismayed to learn that they were of our home church's conference and fellowship. I never heard back.

Monday will be a big day. I have to meet with the guidance counselors at three public schools, somehow. They're all spaced about and I have no idea how I'm going to do it on foot.

I imagine I'll have to do it by twos. Perhaps I can walk the six and seven year olds to their school first, leaving the other children with the eighteen year old. I'll get them taken care of first, then come back for the twelve and fifteen year olds. Each of them will go to a different school.

I know, with God's help, all will work out alright. Even in a public school setting, the Lord can safeguard my children and keep them safe.

Unfortunately, my oldest daughter and I were unable to get to the DMV to take the written portion of the drivers' test. It's a good thing, however, as if we had, I would never have been able to afford the security deposit of this house.

There is a DMV office about two blocks away from us, here in this town. But it's only open Wednesdays. I'm not certain if we'll have the funds by then or not.

Thank you, again, for those of you who sent gifts of money. It's actually because of you that I was able to cover the deposit at all.

I looked in the paper to see what types of jobs are available. Hardly anything. I'm desperate to again begin sewing and selling to begin earning an income. That might be my best option at this point so I can be there for the littlest ones, and help them continue settling in.

Next year, I have hopes that I'll have both a drivers' license and vehicle. Then, I can attend school for nurse assisting (it's been too many years since I last worked this job and they cannot "grandfather" me back in) and get a nice-paying job.

Well, the little ones seem to all be waking up, now. It's time I closed and got their breakfasts underway.

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I want to thank the three of you who sent my family gifts of love.

THANK YOU for your giving heart. When I told my mother about what I'd received, I was in tears. Not so much because of what was sent... but the love that was shown.

Many of you have never met me, yet you express such encouragement and care. Words cannot express my gratitude.

To you who sent the school books... they WILL get used! I know we're moving out of the "homeschooling" route. But I would miss teaching too much to abandon it, completely.

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Today was a busy day.

SCHOOL TIME...

The 15 year old experienced "orientation". She desired to attend public high school, and I nervously agreed.

With all of the stress building steadily, and the constant turmoil and upheavals at home, there are great "holes" in the children's schooling. Big "gaps".

This is just a "trial run". We'll see how it goes.

A counselor here at the shelter drove her to the town we'll be moving to, and stayed with her until she was comfortable. It was the first day. She'll be attending as a freshman.

I have made the difficult choice to allow three of the other children to also attend school.

I found a Mennonite church that serves the new community we'll be moving to. I am planning on learning whether or not my younger children might be able to attend the school, there.

It would please me, considerably, to know that their learning was Christian-based. I understand that Parochial schools cost a lot of money, otherwise...   

HELLO, DOCTOR...

My oldest daughter had an appointment with an eye doctor. She was having some headaches and suchlike. We thought it wise to have her seen to rule out the need for glasses.

The dear girl has perfect vision! The doctor suggested she see a family practitioner if her headaches continued.

I saw a doctor for a physical.

I have a mammogram being scheduled for the lump/pain in my breast and had an x-ray of my lungs, as the bronchitis has gone deeper. I was also given some medication to help with my persistent migraines. One of which I've fought all day, today. Ouch.

Meanwhile, I came back "home" to the abuse shelter to learn that the six-year-old's fever had returned. The seven-year-old was complaining of headache and was flushed with a mild fever.

There must be some sort of virus floating around, here.

Thankfully, I had children's Tylenol to administer. They're doing well, now. Everyone's sleeping soundly, and I'm looking forward to joining them in "Slumberland"!

THE LEGAL FRONT...

While waiting for the bus to take us back to the shelter, my attorney phoned to notify me that my husband has obtained a new attorney.

She admitted that this new gentleman is known by the courts as being "cut-throat" and "going for the jugular", and warned me that I had very difficult fights to look forward to, but that I should take heart. The judge is aware of the type of attorney this fellow is, and that such a fact is always something taken into account.

She also told me that my husband desired to have a "re-trial" for custody and the obtained restraining order. He didn't like how the judge ruled, at the last hearing, and wants to contest it.

I understand that, legally, he had only ten days to do this. Today was the last day he could have ordered it, not including Labor Day.

I am praying that my attorney heard no more prior to leaving her office for the day. The last thing I want to do is "re-hash" everything once again...

YIPPEE!

I have some exciting news!

I received another phone call, today, too. Apparently, the woman that is in the house we're due to move into "by the 19th of September" did a complete job, packing up her belongings. So much so that the transitional housing staff was able to do a "walk through" today, and will (Lord willing) be taking a truck load of furniture to the house, tomorrow, for us!

We will be able to move into our new home this week, Thursday!

VROOM! VROOM!

Tomorrow is Wednesday.

My oldest daughter and I had hope to go to the DMV and take the written portion of the drivers' test so we each can, then, shoot for the probationary license.

I will let everyone know what happens. It would be such a blessing if we could obtain our drivers' licenses.

For many reasons!

Thank you all for your wonderful reminders of God's love. You are such a gift to me, and I am thankful that the Lord brought us "together"!

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A lot has happened since I last updated this blog.

I cannot help but wonder how many of you got tired of checking in to see if I’d written anything, yet.

Where do I begin?

I went to court on the 18th. And, happily, I was represented.

The courtroom was full of people my husband dragged in to testify for him. People to support him. They saw him as a hurting, pained individual abused by the system and tortured by an unkind, thoughtless wife.

The hearing went on forever. It was physically as well as emotionally wearying.

No ruling was made, but my husband had his attorney beg the court for at least one visit with the children while we awaited the next court hearing. Every suggestion posed I agreed with.

But, not my husband.

He argued logistics for over an hour.

I found the whole thing sickening. For someone who so desperately missed his children, he was finding a lot of excuses not to see them.

Had it been me, I know for fact I would have jumped through any hoops handed me. I would have breathed, “Anyplace! Anytime! Just tell me where to go and when!”

I thought I would be the one with the most negative reaction toward the supervised visit, the following day. I rushed around cleaning, feeding, packing for, and reassuring children who were in tears.

“He’ll take me away and won’t let me see you again, like last time, Mommy!”

I felt resentment at how easy everything was handed my husband who had to do nothing, as usual, but show up and play. All the “grunt work” was done.

When the children returned, the baby fussed from her stroller when she saw me. I picked her up, and she began a tantrum shortly thereafter. She’s never cried like that. Ever. It was almost as though she’d eaten something that upset her tummy. Nothing I did soothed her. I still don’t know what that was all about…

I gave the children baths that night. They had been sent back to me un-wiped, and covered in cake and frosting. I’d just finished washing the three youngest little ones, and the six-year-old was on his way into the bubble water.

“Dad told me not to listen to you, Mom.” He said as I gathered wet towels and dirty clothing.

“Oh really?” I asked casually, “Why would he say that?”

”He says you’re bad. But I’m going to listen to you, anyway. I love you. I don’t think you’re bad.”

I smiled and proceeded to the office to speak with the crises counselor on duty. There, I fell into a chair and cried.

For the next several days, I listened to, “I don’t have to listen to you!” whenever my little son didn’t like what I had to say.

At 2am, the night of the children’s supervised visit, the three-year-old came to my bed, as always. He lugged with him the enormous gift bag that was brought back the evening before.  

He crawled underneath the covers, and we went back to sleep.

At 3am, however, he woke screaming and hollering angrily. His cries quickly turned into a full-blown tantrum, and he responded to none of my attempts to calm him. This has never happened before.

Apparently visits with Daddy will spark a lot of abnormal behavior. There will be countless adjustments. For all of us.

Since their visit, other disturbing things have surfaced as well. Pictures of me being “cut up” while my husband sat at a picnic bench, other statements made to the children…

The children chat. I do not ask questions or “grill” for information. I do not want to be like that. I feel that in time my husband’s “true colors” will be apparent on their own. I don’t want to make any of this more stressful on the little ones.

On the 22^nd, four days since we’d been in court last, we returned. My husband proceeded to fire his attorney, insisting to the court that he could do a better job.

The witnesses that he brought up to testify on his behalf actually hurt, rather than helped, his case.

To make a long story shorter, I was granted a four-year extension on the restraining order. I am no longer frightened at the thought of moving out of the shelter.

I was also granted full temporary placement and custody of the children. My husband will have supervised visits on weekends, and telephonic visits three times per week.

Since court, my husband has apparently found another attorney to represent him and I am fearful of what faces me, next.

He has also dug around trying to locate my ex-husbands in an attempt to stir up trouble. And he’s distributing my property.

He can give away whatever he will. He can contact whoever he desires. Nothing he does will change the truth. It can embarrass me, but it will not hurt me.

As usual, what he’s meant for evil has often been a blessing and a boon.

I was married twice before. This is why I fought so hard to make this present marriage work. My past is utterly shameful and humiliating. I despise it.

My first husband was out of touch and paid support erratically. The oldest children have asked about him a lot these last months, but I did not know his address.

Frankly, my husband would have been irate if I’d even tried to locate him.

What a terrific thing it was, therefore, when he contacted my aunt. Although he didn’t leave a message, caller ID showed his phone number. I was able to call him and “bridge” contact between himself and the girls. They’re utterly thrilled to be back in touch.

I’m assuming my husband has also attempted to contact my second husband. There was a great deal of gross physical and sexual abuse in that marriage and I left a year after marrying. My third child was only a year old.

My ex-husband had told me that he would not be a “part time father”. It was all or nothing, and he held to that. No support. No contact, despite my attempts the first two years at sending photos and suchlike.

My adult life is nothing but a trashed grouping of years. Can you all see that?!

I hate myself.  

My journey is mortifying and shameful.

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Many of you have requested a mailing address for care packages and cards as we ready to leave the shelter for our new home in approximately two weeks.

Email me and I will forward you the proper address.

I do not want to post it here, due to my desire for anonymity.

Thank you for understanding!

Some of you have asked about homeschooling items we are in need of, too. The preschoolers, first and second graders were using Rod and Staff, but are hungry for any type of age appropriate work.

The olders were using consumer math books and pre-GED type books to see where they were at and "round out" their last months of learning. The sixth grader is especially interested in science and history, and needs remedial work in mathematics.

Please, please be honest if you would like payment for anything that you might send! And THANK YOU for helping me continue teaching my children!

Presently, a crises counselor takes trips to the local library to check out educational materials for the children. But I admit I miss the worksheets, pasting, workbooks and other fun stuff to do with the littles and even correcting the olders' work!

Imagine!

Have a beautiful weekend!

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We have...

REPRESENTATION!

When Wednesday rolled around, I set my jaw and forced myself to call, call, call until something was worked out! I had to with only two working days left for any lawyer to then work on presenting my case.

A woman in the same office as the lawyer who aided me in obtaining a restraining order at the last hearing, will be representing me on Monday. Everything was falling through, and no one was willing to take my case...

I tried calling Legal Action again for help. They had thought my chances at winning were dismal at best. But, after our last hearing, surely she would reconsider.

No return call.

I tried calling the District Attorney. The most he could do was tell me he had finished his report and would be there for the next hearing but was not sure about whether or not charges would be pressed against my husband.

Please, he told me, please, please get a lawyer!

"You need representation!"

"I'm trying!" was my feeble cry.

After every phone call, as was my custom for days, I would hang up my cell phone, cry a little and then pick the phone up again after taking a deep breath.

To make a long story shorter (it's again midnight, as I'm readying to head to bed -- I only had 15 minutes to throw a few words on here as an update!), a woman lawyer will be representing me on Monday pro-bono.

The shelter has filled out an application for a stipend grant from WCADV (Wisconsin Coalition Against Domestic Violence) to help cover future expenses for her services as this case could go on for quite a while. It is not "cut and dried" and is, instead, very complicated.

Please pray for us, this weekend. Come Monday, I'll be back in the courtroom testifying for my babies.

God bless all of you for your love and care.

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Another day is done and through.

I must just be tired. I'm feeling worn thin and oh-so-weak!

I am feeling negative about the lawyer situation. And I'm feeling sad, period.

As we sat on the bus, today, I saw families walking in and out of stores together. I remembered the children's first phone call with their daddy, last week... and that familiar voice on the other line. So much history...

Would I go back? No, but it still hurts.

Everything hurts.

I am sick and tired of the pain, the wonderings, the worries, just everything.

We got an enormous "voucher" for the Goodwill store, this morning, from the crises worker that was on staff. We shopped 'til we dropped!

The children have "new" shoes, clothes...

It was hard checking out though. Pulling out that huge pink paper voucher was like a statement in and of itself.

I'm a "leech" to the system, to organizations, to everyone. I am taking handouts to survive and it's HARD!

I want to be independent again!

I hardly remember the woman I used to be before I got married to my husband. I used to be strong, happy... I had dreams and aspirations...

Now?

Now I am homeless with eight children... that I've torn away from family life.

I'm just feeling really down.

I'll feel better in the morning ...

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I just wanted to submit an entry, tonight, thanking all of you who have prayed for and encouraged me when I've felt my weakest.

So many have told me (both online, here, as well as "in real life") that I am "strong".

Strong? -- I thought in wonder over that adjective for weeks!

I am NOT strong.

How many tears I have shed. How agonizing all this has been. How sobering it is to know that I am breaking up a family... and how awful to finally accept the treatment we received all these years as abuse.

When you're in an abusive relationship... you make excuses. You do not want to see what is happening. It is easier to change your thinking... adjust... change to try and fit your husband's wishes... try and find "reasons" for his acting as he does... and especially BLAME yourself.

See, if it is YOUR fault... you can FIX it.

Be a better wife.

Keep a cleaner house.

Don't let the toddler have a tantrum.

Make sure that the houseful is quiet so Daddy doesn't get angry.

Whatever it takes, do it. If you have your own opinions or feelings, ignore them. Blend your thinking to fit his knowing that if you don't, you'll be in trouble.

But, if you're being abused... it really IS bad. It really IS wrong. And it really is NOT your fault.

Thank you again for being with us and for us.

I do not feel I deserve the love you've shown me.

It is hard to accept kindness and warm words. But I thank you from the deepest depths of my heart.

This has been a horrid journey, and I'm not even somewhat through it, yet. I have so long to go. It's overwhelming and frightening.

But... I know I'm not alone.

I have my dear Lord... and others, including all of you.

Thank you.


One of you commented:
I'm so happy for you about how the court hearing went! The Lord truly did go before you and fight for you. Is it often that the District Attorney is personally involved in a case like this? I'm glad he was there to help you and fend off your angry Mother-in-law.
Are you still staying at the shelter, and how do you get money if you need it?
I'll keep praying for you and add that the Lord would provide all your needs.

I do not know if all districts utilize District Attorneys in this manner, or not. But I still stand wholly thankful to the Lord for putting him in our path. This DA has been such an aid in this mess.

Yes, we're still at the shelter. I was told it would be about two more weeks until our new home is ready for us to move in.

This is a home that falls under the "Transitional Housing" program conducted through this domestic abuse shelter. They help women like me get on their feet.

Knowing that most women who flee an abusive situation do so at great cost, leaving everything behind.

Everything within the home is furnished.

There is furniture, even sheets and pans and towels!

We're allowed to stay up to two years, which should be plenty of time to secure alternative housing. By then, I should have a steady income (prayerfully, home-based, at least part time, allowing me to remain home for the children), and have acquired necessary furnishings, etc...

As for how I get money when I need it... presently, I have none, except for some birthday money my mother sent me in a card!

I have dear relatives who help me when I need this or that... and the shelter furnishes us with toiletries and food and a roof over our heads.

Last week was approved for medical assistance and food stamps through the state.

I am receiving a lot of "handouts" and that is hard for me. But it is necessary, and I will take whatever is needed right now, to keep the children and I safe and healthy. I tell myself, "this is only temporary" and "these resources are put in place for times such as this".

I am no longer working, selling things online and at the Farmer's Market in town. I do not have access to my patterns, supplies, material, sewing machine, nothing. So... no income.

But, I trust in time I'll get those things back and can go back to selling to help support the children and I.

Some day, I desperately want to go to school and obtain the education I would need to work in a shelter such as this one.

Going through all of this has opened my eyes and heart to women in domestic violence situations. I want to help them.

That is years from now... probably after the children are much more grown... but it is a desire that has been growing within me.



Im am so happy things are starting to look better. The one thing that still suprises me is that the shelter you are staying at doesnt help in finding a lawyer. Seems they would be experienced in doing this.

You are a very courages woman and wonderful mother. Your children will never forget what you have done for them.

I do have to "stick up" for this shelter.

There is a crisis counselor, here, who specializes in the legal aspects of domestic abuse in relation to divorce/custody. She (and others) have been a great help.

But, no, there are absolutely no attorneys or lawyers that they are affiliated with that could help women like me.

There is a stipend available, upon filing an application for aid, with a group called the Women's Coalition Against Domestic Violence (the people here shorten/pronounce it, "WI-CAD-VEE".

I have a stack of papers, detailing over fifty attorneys, to go through tomorrow. I must phone each one and try to find SOMEone who will take a "pro-bono" case or that stipend through WCADV.

I am dreading it.

I'm absolutely dreading it.

I feel negative, and like I'll never find someone to represent me.

There was one attorney back home that I met with several months ago when my husband began threatening me, again, regarding the children and my being allowed access to them... I've been in contact with him and have been trying to find a way to get him... but his retainer is $2,500 and I just do not have that.

He wants that, down. And the stipend from WCADV is paid monthly as the attorney bills them.

He's good. He's won several tough, tough custody cases. And he's supportive, validating, and encouraging toward DV victims and their children.

But he's "out of reach". It's time to focus on other alternatives...

Truly, though, the shelter is operating the best they can. But there are only so many things they can do for women like me.

I must be thankful for the aid they have (and continue) to provide.



On another note, I'm getting used to the inhalation/bronchio-dilater devices the doctor prescribed. They help a lot.

Last night, I was able to lie down and go to sleep with only a little coughing. It was the first night in nearly two weeks I was able to rest!

(Praising You, Lord!)

The other two medications - the oral steroid for the lungs and the antibiotics - are surely helping, too. There is "movement", now, deep within my chest. It's an awful sensation, but I know it's a positive one, nonetheless.

Unfortunately, one of the doses of the five-day-round given me of antibiotics fell out of my hands, into the full kitchen trash basket, this morning.

I had peeled the foil wrapper off of it, and went to throw it into the garbage, when I coughed suddenly... losing not only the wrapper but the pill, too.

Ughhh...

Tomorrow afternoon (after I make all of my "lawyer calls"), I'm going to go to the pharmacy to see if they'll let me purchase a replacement  pill (see... my mother's birthday money... perfect timing...).

I talked to an elderly friend of ours, tonight. Something just pressed her to my heart and mind, late today. I felt a NEED to call her.

It's been a couple months... I hadn't wanted to get her "involved"... I didn't want to "put her in the middle" of this mess... so had kept out of touch for a long while, thinking I could phone her when things began to "settle down".

Would you believe that this very night, my husband stopped by her house?

He showed up on her doorstep, "out of the blue", wanting her to testify in court for him as a "character witness".

She was absolutely beside herself. She told him she didn't want to get involved. When he left, she said she was "shaking like a leaf"...

I felt so guilty.

So... I guess his lawyer is having him try to find people to show what a nice, respectable man he is. People to prove that "no way could this dear man have done anything despicable to his wife and kids!"
People... who do not live with him and could never know the "real him".

Today, the children and I packed a picnic lunch and we went for a walk down a trail along the river.

Then, we played at a park, nearby, before coming "home".

Tomorrow, I'm going to load up the children and travel the city bus, again. We hope to get to the Salvation Army for some skirts and dresses, and maybe a nighty or two (I only have one and it's looking kind of "rough"! And my daughters have only two dresses, like myself, and they're getting pretty worn out).

None of this was planned or expected...

I also wanted to stop at a grocery for a couple things (the shelter is great, but there are "perks" to having your own food that you can write your name on so no one else takes it.

The children like yogurt, for example, and there is one woman here who can literally eat fifteen to twenty of them in less than two days!). I'd like to get some of that and some fresh fruit and salad fixings!

All that plus the pharmacy...

Should be another great adventure!

The restraining order has brought such peace to us. It is a GIFT to be able to get OUT of this shelter long enough to breathe the air and feel the sun on our faces.

I noticed, tonight, when I washed my hands in the bathroom, that I actually have a sunburn on my forehead!

Who would have guessed that a sunburn could be a good thing?!


God bless all of you and may He continue to keep you in His precious care! Thank you, again.

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I want to apologize for not updating this blog for a while...

Some things I should cover with this entry are:

COURT
Court on the 5th didn't go nearly as bad as I thought it was going to.

When we arrived to the courthouse, I first went to the DA's office. There, he got further information and prepared me for the hearing to come.

Remember, I still did not have any representation, and when the court commissioner put me on the stand to testify and respond to my husband's attorney's questions and allegations, I was sure that was the end.

The district attorney told me not to worry about my husband and whoever else would be sitting in the courtroom on my husband's "side".

"Just look at me. I'll be over in the corner. You don't have to worry about him. He can't hurt you."

Amazingly, after just a few minutes, though, I learned that I wasn't frightened of him. I could look him directly in the eyes!

I am going to summarize in brief, now.

The questioning went on much longer than the judge had anticipated or set aside time for, so we had to break, and then recommence a couple hours later.

In that interim, I met again with the DA and was put in touch with a woman with Victim/Witness and she spoke with me for a while. She felt that a restraining order would be wise and in my best interest. So, an attorney was brought from across the street... a woman who does "pro bono" work... and we filled that form out.

When it was about time to go back into the courtroom, the DA informed me that my husband's attorney was going to now be asking him questions. I groaned inside. I could only imagine.

"You can ask him questions, too, you know." he said. "Just put your words into question form."

In the courtroom, I listened carefully to how my husband's attorney was questioning my husband. And, as he answered, and the falsehoods spilled forth, I got out my notepad and pen and began responding in question form!

I found that to be the highlight of the whole day! It was the first time that I was EVER able to speak to my husband, confront him with the truth, and NOT be cut off, interrupted, scolded, belittled or attacked!

I cross-examined my husband and it felt GOOD!

Even though many of my husband's answers were flat-out lies... the questions I posed at least put the truth "out there" for the court commissioner and others!

It was totally empowering!

Another neat thing was that the judge was a woman. My husband hates women. He thinks that NO man should EVER have to listen to a woman. Here he was at the mercy of one!

My mother-in-law, sister-in-law and brother-in-law were there, along with several church members. Some other girl was there, too. A friend of my husband's?

My mother-in-law could not control her courtroom behavior and was asked to leave. When all was over, she tried to get in my face, threateningly, saying that she hoped that the children would still be ALIVE by the time she again was allowed to see her grandchildren.

"That's ENOUGH!" shouted the District Attorney as I kept moving forward, and kept my eyes away from my mother-in-law.

The child services investigation report was on its way to the DA when court began in the morning. But he hadn't yet received it. He was waiting for the promised fax. Shortly before the first session ended, someone brought it in to him.

Because we had that investigation ... and the court commissioner had not seen it... and because there was domestic violence involved, no ruling was made.

We go back on the 18th to have the restraining order extended to four years, and to continue the courtroom proceedings for the issue of custody.

I agreed to two days per week of phone contact between my husband and the children.

Now I search for an attorney...


FREEDOM and ILLNESS!
The good thing about this restraining order I've obtained is that I can go outside with the children, again!

The first time we attempted to take a walk was Monday. Unfortunately, we were stopped a few blocks from the shelter by a woman in a car. She drove right up next to us and asked me, "Aren't those the children that are on this!?" and held up the "Missing Children" flyer my husband had posted all over, saying that they were with their "unstable" mother and in danger.

"Have you seen this?" she asked me, referring to that stupid sheet of photographs.

"Yes I have," I told her.

How I wish I'd had that restraining order with me right then to PROVE that I wasn't some crazy woman. Oh, it was so mortifying!

I didn't even want to walk any further. That woman had told me my husband had driven around "for days passing these out door to door."

Every house I passed, I felt that people were looking at me, thinking I was a nut!

I've been ill. The seven-year-old had a scheduled appointment with an optometrist. It was decided to pack up all six children, today, and take the city bus to the hospital/clinic. This included transfers.

I felt daring and brave!

The children did really well, though, all things considering.

I went to urgent care, where they felt breathing treatments were in order. I was given an inhaler treatment and several prescriptions. Hopefully my bronchitis will improve quickly.

I feel just awful!

Then... we made our way to the hospital cafeteria where we enjoyed a nice lunch together before heading to the eye appointment.

A full exam was given, a new prescription for corrective eyewear was written, and we chose our frames. My daughter will once again have glasses by the end of next week.

They said that if the glasses and patching do not help her lazy eye, we will need to make surgical arrangements.

After we were through at the hospital, it was time to head back on the bus. The little ones were reaching their limit by this time. They were more of a handful than they had been before.

We stopped at a ShopKo pharmacy and filled prescriptions, then the two little boys each bought themselves with birthday money "Grandma" had sent.

Time to make the bus transfer...

And finally... return to the shelter.

Ahhhh....

When those little ones went to sleep and all grew quiet, I felt great!

It was a good day. I didn't worry even once about running into my husband or in-laws until ShopKo. But I did have the restraining order with me. I was only concerned that excited children wandering all over new toy isles, separating, would cause problem.

It's late, and I'm tired. Time to close again.

Please forgive this "pieced" entry. I did not re-read it for grammatical errors and readability!

God bless each and every one of you who've remembered the children and I in prayer.

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It is 11pm and I'm dreading hitting the sheets.

Another day crossed off, and Tuesday growing closer.

The social worker met with me, yesterday morning. It was actually a very revealing, encouraging visit.

So much that the little ones and olders, alike, shared were pivotal as "proof". The CPS worker was very nice, very validating, and even promised to make some calls to aid me in locating a lawyer.

"If you go in on Tuesday," she informed me, "and still do not have counsel, tell them so. Tell them you're not comfortable at all with that and that you're in the process of trying to secure representation. Make sure the court commissioner is told that a child welfare investigation has been started and is underway. No judge in their right mind will make any type of ruling when there is an open case like this."

I am praying she is correct.

In the meantime, I had a surprise call from an aunt who wanted to help, and the woman in charge of the "Transitional Living" program, here at the shelter, is looking into helping me get some funding from a program for women who've experienced domestic violence.

Is there a miracle still to happen?

Oh, God knows I need a lawyer desperately.
 
There is an author - Lundy, a counselor who's actively worked with batterers for nearly twenty years - who has written some excellent books. One, "Why Does He Do That" was given me here at the shelter. I was amazed and my eyes were opened to all of the things that life meant for us at home.

I am presently reading two others, "When Dad Hurts Mom" (domestic violence through the eyes of a child) and "The Batterer as Parent"... that are awakening a deeper concern in me regarding the end of this custody battle.

It is a myth that women get custody more often then men... and it is also a myth that abusers have a fight to win. On the contrary, the batterer often sways the court in his direction.

It's nuts.

I definitely have a big battle on my hands. And I thank all of you who reminded me that this battle is the Lord's. It is a fact that I didn't forget, by any means... but it is soothing to be encouraged in the Lord nonetheless.

Early this evening, I "bit the bullet" and told the children to just get their socks and shoes on.  "We're going outside!"

"We are!? We are!?"

The excitement was high. It's been a long time since they were even allowed to look out the window. I was tired of it. I didn't care about "risks" any more! We wanted the sun on our skins and the outside air in our lungs!

The children - even the baby - squealed as we exited the shelter. They were so thrilled! The four year old, like the others, ran at top speed. There was a skinned knee before any play had even been enjoyed!

As we went back inside, my aunt pulled in with some things they'd picked up for me while shopping. I bandaged my daughter's knee after putting a little peroxide on the minor scrape and attempted to settle my now-wild-and-crazy youngsters who were getting every toy instrument possible to make a "band". It was time to make supper.

Two of the other residents here, exited the shelter at just this time. They sat out front for a bit and when they came back inside, I was told my husband had been parked, watching them the entire time they were out there. As they went back in, he drove away.

My aunt had my oldest daughter's cat dropped off in her driveway.

He's back.

I cannot help but wonder how long he was there watching the shelter. Did he follow my aunt in? That doesn't make sense. He already knew we were here.

Then... was he watching the children and I outside in the play area? If so, for how long?

It's creepy.

And what's happened to my grandmother's two cats that we adopted following her death in March? Are they still alive? Why did he drop only the one cat off? What has he done with the dog? Anything?

Needless to say, the shelter is under stricter precautions again, tonight.

Before I close, I did want to take a moment to respond to some of the postings urging me to get RID of anger.

I want to say that, since coming here to the shelter, I've had time to breathe. I'm able to think now, and hold an opinion without fear. My mind is clearer than its been in many, many years.

Anger can be righteous. What was done to my children is detestable. I cannot even begin to tell  you how my heart broke to hear some of the things that my husband did to them as the social worker read me her notes. Some of it I knew already and could never have forgotten, some of it was fuzzy and had long since left my memory until the reminder... and some I knew nothing about.

"That's because he said he didn't want to make things harder on you. He knew the atmosphere at home was tense and didn't want it to worsen."

Gut wrenching. NO nine year old should have to shoulder such things!

My anger is righteous.

And, yes, it is that which keeps me strong and fighting for the good of my children. I should have taken a stand a long, long while ago. But, now I can.

Now I am.

Have I forgiven my husband? Yes, I have. I say this with all honesty.

As new things crop up, I must first work through the shock... then I move through depression and hopelessness, and anger... and finally, I can release it. Sometimes this process moves quickly - within minutes of an incident -- other times days. Sometimes it takes more strength and grace from God than at other times...

But I do forgive. And I have forgiven.

It helps when you are not WITH the abuser to do this.

But anger.

I am angry. And, I am not sinning.

Anger is a God-given emotion and it is what you choose to DO with that anger that counts.

I love the Lord. I know He is in control. But what my husband has done to the children (and myself) is atrocious and I would be very wrong to smile at it or feel sweet and breezy.

What my husband has done is an injustice toward GOD.

You may choose to agree, you may choose to disagree. That is up to you. But unless your husband has caused you to endure situations you should NEVER have had to endure... and unless you've had your children touched by domestic violence and pain and agony that should never have touched them... You could never possibly understand.

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