A Year Ago Today...

Posted on 2007-Aug-12 at 03:48

A year ago today my mom was still alive.  Now she's not.

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She was sick, very sick, with pancreatic cancer, a disease that quickly took her life not two months after her diagnosis.

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A year ago today we were making schedules of people to come and sit with her, planning menus for her, looking into all kinds of treatments...a year ago today we thought that all of that mattered.  But it didn't really.

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A year ago today when I called the house, it was mom who answered the phone.  She was weak and sick, but she always sounded happy to hear from me.

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A year ago today I thought I might lose her.  And then I did.  A year ago today I didn't know if I could handle it if she died.  Now I know that I can, although it's very difficult sometimes.

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A year ago today, I put my mom's hand on my belly and told her that some day she would hold my babies.  She never would answer me or talk about them.  At the time it hurt my feelings, but now I know that it was just too hard for her.  When I look in their little faces it's hard to believe they will never know her.

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A year ago today she was in pain.  Now she's not.  I am so thankful for that.

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Sometimes I go back, like today, and think about the way it all happened.  Sometimes I cry.  Sometimes I get angry.  I always get that feeling of disbelief and wonder  "How could this have happened?"

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A year ago today I was strengthened by my heavenly Father in order to face the hard times that were ahead.

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That strength remains.

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A year ago today...it all seems to have happened so long ago.  Then again, sometimes it seems like it all just happened yesterday. 

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A year ago today I thought I knew what it was like to miss somebody.

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I didn't know anything about it.

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Now I know.

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I love you, Mom, and I miss you every day.

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Posted by kember on 2007-Aug-12 at 04:20 - Link

*Sniff* I will be praying for you and your family. God knows what's best. He will never let you down.

Kember ><>

Oh, Leah,

Posted by abundantblessings on 2007-Aug-12 at 04:26 - Link

what a touching post...I cannot believe an entire year has passed.
I am honored to call you my friend. What a treasure you are...

Abundant Blessings,
Laurie

Lovely post

Posted by lerdman4 on 2007-Aug-12 at 04:44 - Link

This has to be the most touching thing I have read in a long time. Blessings to you on this day and many days to come. This has really touched my heart. I think I will call my mom... thank you

Blessings,
lisa

my friend

Posted by Cathy on 2007-Aug-12 at 08:19 - Link

Leah,
Your words are very touching. What a beautiful post. I know you miss your mom so very much...it's such a unique bond. One day, you will see her again my friend.
Love and blessings to you,
Cathy

Touching Post

Posted by Anonymous on 2007-Aug-12 at 09:06 - Link

Leah,
I have tears after reading this. Take care my friend.
Blessings,
Winona

so special

Posted by Anonymous on 2007-Aug-13 at 02:09 - Link

Hello Leah,

You´re a special person, the way you can put feelings into words. You´ve brought tears to my eyes, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

love, Ellen

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Posted by Becky on 2007-Aug-13 at 02:40 - Link

Aw Le, this is so beautiful. Its almost like reading my own feelings written by someone else, I think all these same thoughts so often. It can seem so long ago one minute, and so fresh the next. But you're right... we never really knew what it felt like to miss someone until mom. I love you.

Becky

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Posted by Sunshine4Zach on 2007-Aug-13 at 08:06 - Link

You have a way with words! Praying for you and your family today!

Many blessings,
Nichole

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Posted by kayinpa on 2007-Aug-14 at 11:56 - Link

Dear Leah,

The death of a parent is never easy, although times does help...my dad will have been dead 13 years in October, but there are still those times (like when I read your blog entry or have a new baby that I know he will never hold until heaven), where it still hurts and its hard to believe that they are gone. Praying for God's continued comfort in your grief.

Kay in PA

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Posted by tiffibug on 2007-Aug-14 at 09:03 - Link

{Hugs}
I know how you feel. You have said it so beautifully.

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Posted by Greg on 2007-Aug-16 at 11:25 - Link

Yep. That pretty much sums up. Nicely done.

Love you.

moms

Posted by mccrjill on 2007-Aug-16 at 08:09 - Link

I know what you mean - no one can have a friend as good as their mother. My aunt died Sunday and her 5 daughters said the same thing - it's soooo hard not to have your mother to talk to. Mine died 12/05 and I miss her too. jill

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Posted by Anonymous on 2007-Aug-19 at 06:01 - Link

I clicked on your blog link from 7xSunday, and this post really, really touched my heart. (((((HUGS))))) sandi http://titus2woman.wordpress.com

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Posted by chimicole on 2007-Aug-21 at 11:58 - Link

You know, my Mom just passed away this July 29th. Cancer, too.
I always say, "A year ago..." your post touched me so very deeply, and it has blessed me.
Thank you~
Julie

mom

Posted by dad on 2007-Sep-3 at 09:13 - Link

so long as men can breathe or eyes can see
so long lives this and this gives life to thee.